A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I desperately need some advice. My husband has been physically and verbally abusive to me for the past 7 years we have been together. I still feel like I have feelings for him, but recently I've met someone that I know I'm going to end up having a sexual affair with. He knows the severity of the situation I'm in, but it's really scary. Although I'm scared, I really like this guy, and I can't seem to help myself. I know this man likes me, but I don't know if he likes me as much as I like him. I know that if I truly loved my husband, I wouldn't be doing this, because I could never cheat on someone I truly loved. I still care about him though, since he is the father of my child and he is a good father to his children. I really don't know what my question is.. but I just want some advice. I can't leave my husband, because I have no family around for me to go to, no friends that could take my daughter in with me. I'm also in school and I'm in my last semester before I graduate. I can't quit now. I also can't leave without my daughter.. I just couldn't. I had to go to a domestic violence shelter a couple months ago, but I had to leave that place, because it just wasn't a good place for me and my daughter. It was more stressful being there than being home, and I could tell it was stressing out my daughter. Therefore, I came back under the condition that my husband seeks counseling, which he is. He hasn't been physically or verbally abusive since I've come back... but he has put me through so much that I just don't have those strong feelings for him anymore. Should I stay and try to see if he changes and try to develop my feelings for him again, since I'm stuck with him anyway? What should I do about this other man? My husband could very likely kill me or severely hurt me if he finds out I'm even talking to another man, but I enjoy talking to this man. He makes me feel good and I just don't know what to do.... Help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2009): I have been through this exact thing and am still going through it, but mine was always brought on by alcohol. I did have an affair with the "other man", but let me tell you-- he seemed to virtually disappear when things got really complicated and I finally filed for legal separation. So if you are thinking this guy will "save" you-probably not. My lover cried about how much he wanted to be with me-- but yet now that I am almost single, he is gone. This only adds to the hurt because I too would have never thought I could be that person to have an affair-- It was exciting and I felt feelings I hadn't felt in years- I felt alive again, but only to hurt worse now when I see him- I was betrayed by him as well. Day by day, things get a little better. My husband has been through treatment and counseling, and although still legally separated we have spent the holiday together and actually kinda enjoyed him around. But I think in all of this, it was the affair that hurt me the most--I feel betrayed and used even though that guy isn't like that (he is a nice man who I think got in over his head and then got scared-- I feel bad too because in a way I used him and he has had to try to come to terms with that ) It is all messy and complicated especially if you involve another person. Day by day I just try to stay focused on my role as mother and try my best to just give my sons a pleasant home life free from the stress, distractions, and abuse. Good uck and stay strong--
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (31 December 2009):
For your safety, you must not see this other man again. I know you like talking to him, but you have said it yourself. If your husband finds out, he will either kill you, or he will leave you with broken limbs. Here in Britain 2 women a week are killed by domestic violence. I'm not sure what the figures are in america, but please don't just become a statistic. A lot of people make the mistake of staying with someone who is abusive, because they think they can't get out. You can get out, and it's very important you do. Not just for yourself, but because at some point your daughter is going to find out what is happening (unless she knows already). Then one of two things will happen. One, your daughter will blame herself because she will think you can't escape because of her, or worse she will blame you because you won't leave, then have a nervous breakdown. You have to get away for the sake of your daughter as well as yourself. I know from experience that the worst thing for a child is to know your mother is being abused, but won't leave because she thinks it's better at home. Get out now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2009): No, I think that given his past behavior with you and the way he treats you now, it is best for you to prepare yourself to live independently. Finish school and establish yourself in a career that will give you security. Should your husband change his behavior radically for the better consider moving back with him for the sake of your daughter in the distant future.
I don't think it is wise to have an affair. It will only create more emotional turmoil for you. If your marriage should dissolve in the distant future THEN pursue something with this fellow. I think it is best FOR YOU to be independently strong and to stand on your own two feet without any emotional crutches to ANY MAN until you have passed the difficulties you are currently having and can stand on your own.
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A
female
reader, lLady Soldier +, writes (31 December 2009):
 Ok let's go!First off, you need to tell the other guy that you are talking to until you finish school and find another place to live, if you are truly that committed to finding another place to live, you will.Second, your daughter is involved, I don't know which is worse, your negligence of not knowing what is best for your daughter or just not realizing that maybe you have feelings for this other man, but who wouldnt have feelings for someone else if they were constantly being abused?Third, I can't stress this enough, you NEED.. no you MUST get out before its too late! Your daughter is in just as much of a risk of being abused as you are, protect your baby! And just think of this, if your husband killed you, what would happen to your daughter? You get out as soon as you can before its too late, and do it VERY discretely!Use precaution in this situation and treat it with the utter most care, but you are capable of having a better life, but you have to want it bad!After you finish school and have found a place, you prepare yourself. Before you just up and leave, you have to have everything planned out, have the police escort you to collect your belongings, get a restraining order, and put your husband through the court system for a divorce and for child support. Just make sure that he doesn't get information of where you are moving to, and move far away.Always be aware of your surroundings when you start your new life and make sure that you keep yourself protected!Have a happy NEW year for you and your daughter!And let me know if I have helped (=
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