A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:OK I feel as though I need to explain myself or apologise before I even start as I dont want people to misjudge me. My bf and I are both models and even though our world is full of superficial people, I pride the fact that neither of us are like that.I am bi and had a gf who was also a model. The relationship lasted quite a while and she also became involved in my relationship with my bf. She was physically beautiful but not so on the inside with a typical "model" attitude so because of that I ended it.After I promised myself the next gf I had I was going to base on the beauty of the person on the inside and never again go for the looks. I met a really nice girl a few weeks ago, and I relayed a bit of this story to her. She is lovely, sweet, kind etc,,,btu I suppose I wasnt necessarily thinking of her in terms of a potential gf but was just speaking out loud about my experiences etc as even though she is not at all unattractive, I just was not attracted to her at all in the slightest physically.She went to a concert with my bf and I and missed her last train home so we offered for her to stay the night at our house (in the spare bedroom) But when she came to ours she was hanging out in our bedroom and I didnt think too much of it at the time as our bedroom is the only room with a TV. But she kept trying to make moves on me....and even though I am not attracted to her I suppose I felt peer pressure from myself that I did not again want to base something on looks btu the person inside and on the inside she is a beautiful person, you know trying to convince myself looks doesnt or shouldnt matter...and also peer pressure from HER in a way as I didnt want to look like a fool by turning her down.So in the end I gave in and we had a threesome. My bf wasnt attracted to her either and I could tell her didnt really want to either but I guess for a man he must have felt peer pressure also in terms of how will he look if he turns down two girls for a 3 some. But fair play to him that he never laid a finger on her...he was only involved with me durin the 3some.But after it all ended I felt so awful....like really sort of sick. I have only slept with 2 ppl in my life (my bf and ex gf) whom i both really loved so I am quite inexperienced in alot of ways and the whole casual sex thing to me is very foreign!I feel awful for myself as I feel used and disgusted in a way...that I even let her near me when I am not even attracted to her. I also feel so ashamed that I realise I am attracted to a physical and I dont think I can change that and cant force myself to be otherwise. I just want to forget the experience. Now een the thought of her touching me or even seeing me naked makes me feel sick. It sounds melodramatic but I feel somehow violated....even though yes it is of course my own doing...!!And I feel awful for her like I have somehow unintentionally mislead her. And she is such a lovely girl and I feel like I have been a evil person but it happen so unplanned and I honestly never expected it and when put in the situation I felt I had to do it....if I HAD known she had intentions of this before she came to our house I would have paid for her cab home....Now I dont know what to do, as she has told me how much she really likes me and wants to see me etc again soon. But I dont want to hurt her - she is such a lovely girl and I am so angry with myself for all of this. But at the same time I cant tell her the truth that after sex I realise I am not at all attracted to her and the whole thing made me feel sick...I mean that would be mean and hurtful...to even say I am not attracted to her esp after going to bed with her! But at the same time I do not want to lie to her or lead her on. I honestly dont think I could face seeing her again....I dont know how to deal with this all yet without hurting her..I mean she knows I wanted a gf again and had one before so I cant even lie and say I changed my mind. Or perhaps any excuses someone can offer up to me that I can give or say to her that would not hurt her??????? I mean I could try avoiding her or making excuses till she goes away...I dont know!And how do I deal with my own emotions of feeling so used and awful and violated. I KNOW it my own fault and am hating myself so much right now for it but I really thought I was doing the right thing and not being superficial only to realise I seem to be....I know there are ppl who have had casual encounters they regret btu I havent and i really doing know how to deal with this sort of thing....it is really upsetting me and makes me feel to be sick...any advice on this please and how to cope...esp from ppl who HAVE had casual encounters they later regretted????????Please I dont want people giving me hurtful comments condemning me or telling me off = whether about my being bi, or supposedly superficial, or preaching about 3some etc or just condemning me in any other way. I know I was wrong and it was my own fault and I should not have....btu I thought it was the right thing to do and at the end of the day we are all humans and make mistakes.ANY help please....feel like I am going out of my mind!!!! :(thanks to all x
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ex girlfriend, my ex, threesome Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Cyg79  +, writes (20 May 2008):
 There’s not much you can say to someone that has feeling for you and not hurt them to a degree but you can try and ease the blow sometimes. There are many things you can say, I think as long and your firm and clear things will turn out fine. Just tell her she a wonderful person, but you’re not conferrable with what happened the other night and you’re not looking for a relationship outside of the one with your bf. Or something to that degree. Be strong, this is your life your talking about and you should not feel obligated to fill others ideals. As for feeling violated and dealing with those feelings, I’m not sure if there are any words that can heal such pain. Rather, take away from this experiences that you won’t ever go along with a situation you feel uncomfortable in. Try to take comfort in the fact that yes this happened but it won’t happen again. Be strong and don’t be so concerned about others opinions when it come to your own happiness. Because in the end, it is you that must live your life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2008): This is simple, like the other aunts say. Just tell her you want to just focus on your b/f and you don't want any other relationships. It be for the best if you cut her out of your life. She will understand.
Don't feel guilty about turning someone down! if your attractive like you say you are, then you must have said no to people before. Life about learning...
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (17 May 2008):
 She knows you have a man. You can tell her that you're not interested in threesomes and you'd prefer not to go down that road again. Tell her when you're in a relationship that you'd prefer to concentrate on that. Attractive people are attractive. That is simple. The fact you didn't want to have sex with her doesn't make you evil. Do you want to have sex with EVERY attractive person you meet? Probably not. Don't be so hard on yourself.
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A
female
reader, starfairy  +, writes (17 May 2008):
 I think you should just let this girl down gently but firmly - tell her you want to stay faithful to your boyfriend, you only want a relationship involving 2 people, and that includes your sex life. Apologise to her, tell her you were never out to hurt her feelings. At the end of the day, you can't beat yourself up over it - SHE pushed the threesome, not you! If you had pursued her and then basically ditched her, then yes you would have something to feel guilty about, but don't worry. You didn't do anything wrong. You don't owe her anything, not even friendship if you don't want.
As for yourself, feeling dirty/ashamed, whatever, it sounds like someone's typical feeling after casual sex/one night stand. I've only ever had one one night stand and it made me feel the same, even though I had agreed to it, I felt used, and I hated someone having seen me at my most vulnerable (someone who didn't mean anything to me, someone who I wasn't in love with).
It's all natural what you are feeling, probably coming form inexperience too. If you need to talk to someone, feel free to message me. xx
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A
female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (17 May 2008):
 As you say, we all make mistakes. The only real way out is to explain to the person involved that you are very sorry you made a mistake and there's no possibility of a future relationship.
As you really want to avoid hurting her, this might be one of those occasions when the whole truth doesn't do anyone any good. You can add that it was great and that you really like her (even if that's not quite true), which will help her, but making it absolutely clear there is no future in it is the only fair and reasonable way to do it. I think it would be very unfair of you to simply avoid her. She needs to be told, however much that hurts, so that she can move on.
Quite apart from threesomes rarely working without causing problems either at the time or later, it always worries me that anyone who is bisexual can have more than one relationship at the same time. Everyone is different, of course, but it seems to me that regardless of your sexual direction, you can't form a workable relationship with more than one partner at a time. If you are lucky enough to find both sexes attractive, then it simply means you have a wider choice of potential partners, but ultimately you need to choose just one.
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (17 May 2008):
 Im not going to preach - its your sex life and if bf is happy for you to have a gf as well thats your business and not the question you are asking about. Its a shame you allowed yourself to pressured into this but you did and you cant turn the clock back. So the only thing to do now is tell her straight that you regret it and really dont want it to happen again. You dont have to hurt her feelings, say it made you realise that you really dont need a girlfriend at the moment as you are happy with just your guy. Even if this isnt the truth!! You may need to wait awhile if she is in your circle before getting another gf but that is a small price to pay to avoid any more complications. Put it down to experience, a bad one, and try not to let yourself get in this situation again, draw on this experience if you ever feel pressured to do something you are not comfortable. We all have things we might be ashamed of but try and forget it dont beat yourself up about it x
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