A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:right this is quite complicated and long so please bear with me i need advice. In April of this year i ended up in hospital having had a seizure, it turned out i had a small blood clot on my brain. the main side effect was that i got retro grade amnesia, meaning i lost four year of my memory. so i could only remember things that had occured before christmas 2006. i couldnt remember my boyfriend as i had met him in 2007, this became very difficult because in the hospital i was confused and distanced myself from my boyfriend. he was a complete stranger to me. once i was able to leave the hospital i stayed with my mum because i couldnt remember moving out and my own house. A week later i found out i was pregnant. i am now 18 weeks pregnant, i am living back at my own home and looking to move to a two bedroom house, i managed to finish my qualifications and regain a few memories which i had lost. however my relationship with 'the boyfriend' is very difficult. i do not remember him and once i left the hospital everyone told me he was a lovely guy although slightly immature. his behaviour towards me has been ridiculous, he expected me to jump back into a routine i had never known, complained when i wouldnt sleep with him and then began ignoring me. i wouldnt see him for days on end then he would turn up at my house and demand his dinner. he has not been romantic in the slightest! then he comes round shouting he wants joint custody of our baby when its born, but the next instant is ringing me up telling me he loves me. what am i supposed to do - i dont remember falling in love with him and he has made no effort to help me relearn our relationship. should i stay with him for the sake of our baby even though i think i can cope on my own? please help i dont know what to do. x
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female
reader, Elydiese +, writes (25 June 2010):
My family was told to do everything they could to help me remember my past but nothing has ever come back. Sometimes the "what ifs" can take over but you cant base your life on that. Everyone has been great with me and supported me but some people dont understand and as i said before maybe this is just the way your boyfriend is dealing with it. People have told me my personality hasnt changed much but i've become a lot more opinionated and aggressive in the things i say. I really wish you every bit of luck but i do think if you believe you can do this on yor own then you should.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (25 June 2010):
 Staying in a loveless relationship is not right for the baby, or you, or Boyfriend.
I'm trying to think what I would have to do if I had a girlfriend, sister, or whatever who had had amnesia. I think the very first requirement would be to be honest with her, and help her remember. Give her pieces of information about her past life. I'm not sure everyone is doing their best in that sense. There's the risk that everyone will want you to "remember" what in their humble opinion is best for you. You have to work hard to tell true from false.
If the relationship doesn't work now, it won't work in the future, amnesia or not. I believe children suffer less when they don't have memories of living together with their parents. So, if you have to move out, do it now.
I wish you the very best. I hope to be helping you in this time of great need.
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A
female
reader, Blue Sahara  +, writes (25 June 2010):
 I actually knew someone that got amnesia from a malaria medication. She lost several months of her life and couldn't remember who her fiancée was. I wish I could tell you how it ended up but I unfortunately don't know. I haven't had amnesia but I had a debilitating sickness for several years. And you become a completely different person because of it. I was very flighty and all over the place before and I am much more calm and as you said in your update "fragile". The man I am with now is nothing like the men in the past. And we became friends when I was sick. But while I was going through the illness he was exactly what I needed. Calm, patient, and consistent. Your tastes do change after illness. I think you need to make it clear to your family and friends that you are not the same person anymore. It doesn't mean you woke up one day and liked strawberry ice cream over chocolate. It just means that health issues always change a person. Unfortunately for you, you were changed overnight so people didn't have time to adjust to it. They thought you would just want everything to be the same. But it's totally understandable that you want to do things like live with your parents cause it's comforting. Your boyfriend needs to grow up a little. And the only way he is going to do that if is you make it clear you aren't his girlfriend anymore. He doesn't have the right to ask for anything at this point. You went through a crappy experience and he needs to realize that you need someone who will help you get back to normal. Not someone who demands it. I would make it abundantly clear that he needs to take you out on dates and do all the stuff he did when you were first dating so you can fall in love with him again, if that's possible. It isn't an option. You have nothing in you right now that can just "buck up" and just accept that what everyone says is true. You have the right to regain your own life in your own time
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A
female
reader, Elydiese +, writes (24 June 2010):
I feel for you i suffer from a rare form of amnesia and i only remember the last 6 weeks of my life everything before that has gone, just copletely blank so i totally understand how hard it is for you but i get how some people cant cope with the changes. They just need everything to be back to the way it was but it doesnt work this way. If you feel nothing for this guy then i think you should leave him because you cant force yourself to love someone who you dont know. Trust me i'm still in your situation and i know what your going through
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your replies guys!
This is for real im like only the third person my hospital has ever dealt with dealing with this condition so with regards to if il ever get the memories back i think a lot of it is theories and guesswork on the doctors part. i have remembered a few significant events but nothing substantial - im under a lot neurologists. but may have to work on that movie contract or maybe write a book (minus a few chapters hehe)
boyfriend and i are both twenty, its very difficult as you say because i can only trust what people tell me about our relationship - ive heard that we were really happy but i think it would be very difficult to go back to the beginning. recapture the honeymoon period of a relationship after doing his dirty washing for the last couple months - hardly romantic stuff!
its like waking up in a nightmare to be honest - im pregnant to a man i cant remember but i have to do whats right for the baby, staying in a loveless relationship cant be healthy, but theres the 'what ifs'- the biggest what if is - what if we could be good together and be a proper family.
everyone has been saying my personality is pretty much the same but im more quiet and the word 'fragile' has been used a lot
x
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (24 June 2010):
This is a very difficult question indeed. I'll try to do my best.
Amnesia is an awful thing in itself, but, in this particular case, it is worse because it has taken away the criteria you would have to decide whether you should stay with the boyfriend or not. Only the two parties of a couple know what the relationship is really like, and those elements you can't get from anyone, and he can't give you, either, because he can only see his side of the story.
I assume this guy is young, too, and perhaps he is unable to really grasp what amnesia brings about. That doesn't mean he is bad; maybe just a little immature, as can be expected of a young man.
I would assume that you were happy with your boyfriend before, since you two lived together and you are pregnant. But that assumption is quite an assumption. I'm sure we all have heard about a couple in a similar situation (without the amnesia) that wasn't working really well.
I'm not sure if that amnesia is reversible or not, and how fast you would regain your memory. That would give you the information you need. But I don't know if you can expect that.
Perhaps the safest thing to do would be to tell him that you need to re-live your old relationship with him, and decide whether you two can still be a couple on the basis of what he does NOW. Regardless of the sweet memories you lost or the good things he may have done in the past, it's his current behavior that matters now.
I can picture that, though difficult, a man whose girl loses part of her memory would have yet another reason to treat her well. Don't be too harsh on him, however, because it might well be that he has trouble adapting to the new you, if there is one. I suppose that basic personality doesn't change with amnesia.
Wish you the best.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (24 June 2010):
 For real?! Well first off, write a movie script...
It must suck for both you and your boyfriend, but at the end of the day he needs to either "woo" you again or move along. He probably feels like he's already "earned" you, but if he's worth keeping, he'll understand what he needs to do and respect your predicament.
Please keep us informed, I'm intrigued by your situation...
Best of luck :)
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