A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have began seeing an old boyfriend this past year. He is older then me by a year and our first relationship lasted two years till i fell pregnant at 16. I had just started college and he was in his second year. We had an abortion as we felt too young and things a baby needed i couldn't provide at that point. He ended it shortly after to "live a little " .We found each other on facebook last year and started chatting. I had moved away to be at uni and still live in the uni city i attended. He comes to see me every weekend and has even mentioned moving here after new year. We are in love again and really happy together. Its like the old days! However part of me still thinks about the abortion a lot. I suffered from depression afterwards and took a gap year to recover. At the time i hated him for leaving me to deal with it myself and as we didnt tell our parents, i could only talk to him. I later told mine who told his. Caused a lot of problems and we barely spoke again till last years emails. He won't talk about what happened , he just says its in the past. I know that it is and that we were children too really but we never spoke of it after the day i went in. Am i wrong to want to talk about our child? Would it help us to discuss it?
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male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (5 December 2012):
It sounds like his way of dealing with it is to just leave it in the past where it belongs, whereas you need to talk about it to come to terms with it. That difference isn’t going to be an easy one to overcome. The question of whether or not you should insist on discussing it would depend on how big an issue this is to your relationship this time around. IF you don’t think you can get past it without talking about it, you’re going to have to be honest with him and tell him that you need to talk with him about it and be open about your feelings even if he’d prefer not to do the same. If you think you can, however, perhaps you should tell him that you understand he doesn’t want to talk about it but you do, and that you seek some counselling. Counselling isn’t a miracle cure for depression, sadness, anger or any other emotional responses to an abortion but it will help you move on and accept what happened in the past, which could help you in this relationship. Even if you do choose to talk together about it, perhaps a counsellor should also be used to help you have this conversation together in a safe space where you can explore your feelings together.
So figure out how important it is to you that you talk, and how important it is that he be involved in that, because you might have an uphill struggle if he’s blocked it out or simply didn’t have the same degree of emotion after the termination as you did. But if it’s critical for this relationship, and this relationship is worth the effort, be truthful with him about your need to explore the issue with him. Will it help you both to talk together about it? We can’t answer that for him, but you can for yourself. There isn’t a right and wrong here, it’s about what’s right for you, for him and for your relationship.
I wish you all the very best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2012): Neither of you are wrong but I agree with SVC, you're better off talking to a professional. It's too sore a subject for him and his way of dealing with it is to move on and not bring it up. If talking is your coping mechanism then not talking is his. Find someone else to talk to about it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (5 December 2012):
 You are not wrong to want to discuss it as it's what YOU need. He's not wrong to not want to discuss it as it's what HE needs.
Perhaps you would be best served by seeing a therapist or counselor to help you work it through.
It was a lot to go through at 16 without help.
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