A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Here's my situation. Just over a year and a half ago, I started dating an incredible girl. We get along great. Our relationship is everything I could ever want in every way. We have made it clear to each other that we want to get married once we're out of college. We love each other.When it comes to sex, she was my first but I wasn't hers. Around 6 to 7 months before we started dating, she had started another relationship with a guy she worked with at a camp. They dated for around 4 months. He pressured her into having sex with him. After they had, she says the relationship became too focused on sex and she broke it off with him. After that, he started dating one of her best friends behind her back. Along with this, she says she doesn't find him in any way attractive anymore. She sees now that he's a player and a charmer. She has heard of him sexting multiple other girls from the same camp they worked at. For a long time, she refused to have much contact with him at all. Besides working another summer with him at camp, she ended any Facebook messages he sent her as quickly as possible. Because of the way things ended for them, however, she now feels as if she needs closure. Now she's been messaging him, asking him questions and trying to get closure. When she asked him if she was his first, he said yes. When she asked him if he ever really loved her, he said he doesn't think so, anymore. She's told me that, although she has absolutely no interest in dating him again or in ever leaving me, she does want to be able to talk to him again. He can, apparently, actually be a good person and can carry on a nice conversation. On top of all this, she will be going back to the camp and working with him again this coming summer.Essentially, I'm trying to be supportive of her getting closure, but I just don't care too much for the situation. I haven't quite figured out why, yet. Sometimes I think it's just me being insecure, but sometimes I wonder why she needs to know these things. Then I begin to fear that I'm overreacting; I don't want to become a controlling partner in any way. I think a part of me just doesn't want to open up any possibility of them ever being in a romantic relationship ever again, even though I completely trust her. But I think another part of me just doesn't want her getting social again with somebody who has hurt her the way he has; I'm afraid she'll just be hurt all over again.Are my feelings justified? What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2012): I think she needs closure because he broke her self esteem. What she's trying to do isn't to open the door to starting anything with him, but to get answers to questions that have probably been bothering her all this time and which could make her feel better about herself.
some people get closure from a difficult situation by turning their backs on it forever. other people need to confront the person who had hurt them.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2012): Hi, she has unresolved feelings for this guy. The fact that she asked him if he loved her, shows her depth of feelings for this guy. I recommend you dont consider marriage and also look to end your relationship, you cannot be her security and comfort when she pines foe another man.
The only reason I ever contacted an ex was because I had feelings for him and did not feel that connection with the new boyfriend.
So marriage is too big a step to take when the girlfriends want to chat with ex. Having you is clearly not enough.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (6 December 2012):
 I think your concerns are valid and I'm not falling for her closure nonsense.
The fact that she'd even have her ex as a contact on Facebook after he supposedly treated her so badly speaks volumes about her character and poor judgment.
Like attracts like. If this guy is the sort of person she wants to keep in touch with, it must be because she doesn't really think what he did was all that bad, which suggests she is capable of doing the same thing to someone else.
This pursuit of closure is pathetic and dishonest. Let her have her ex. You go and find someone far better.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 December 2012):
 If it was me that was in your shoes I would be feeling the exact same way. I understand that maybe she was curious and had a few questions for him, but she has got them now and that should be the end of it. I do not see why she would want to be friends with someone who hurt her so much. I think you just need to be honest with her about how you feel. Off course you are going to be a little insecure over this. I must admit at least she is being open and honest about this so I will give her credit over that. But I think you both need to sit down and talk tell her how you feel and ask her why she feels the need to have him in her life. Even if deep down he is a nice guy surely she does not need him in her life at the moment. good luck.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (5 December 2012):
 I would be concerned in your shoes. Why on earth is she wanting to reconnect with somebody who hurt her, what makes her think she cant have a civil conversation with him if she meets up with him again at camp without facebook messaging and being all nicey nicey.
Let her know that whilst you want to support her this makes you feel uncomfortable, and if you are still unable to explain why tell her that as well. Tell he you would prefer her to slow down on reconnecting with him until you have had time to gather your thoughts and are able to put your feelings and fears into words.
I hope she listens to you.
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