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female
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*liza
writes: My husband confessed to a 5 month affair with a much younger woman. I am trying so hard to forgive and forget but I cannot get it out of my head that he betrayed and lied so much to me. He has been off work on sick leave now for 3 months, since the end of the affair, and I want him to leave his work permanently because I cannot bear the thought of him seeing and working with this woman every day. He has agreed to my request. Am I being unreasonable? How can I put the past behind me and carry on? I feel totally betrayed and my self-confidence and self-worth have taken an enormous bashing. I want things to work out but I will never trust him again.
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female
reader, jazmine  +, writes (19 November 2007):
 I wrote to you about my husband who also had affair it has been a battle but like you my husband is also with me from work its a good thing, It has given us the chance to be together to remember why we got married in the first place. I know for sure your husband will never want this woman again, she will only remind of the heartache she caused him the broken pieces she caused between you and him. My husband hates the Skank he was with this is the nickname he has for her, please give your husband a chance if he didnt want you back he would of been gone...the fact that he is with you is killing this woman alot of them do it for the thrill of thinking they are above the wife...but not for long....Forgive him give him a chance you are with him that prooves only one thing the you do still LOVE HIM....All the Best God Bless
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2007): I don't know if your still on but my husband had an affair from November/06 to Feb/07 I caught everything on a dating site he chatted it up with many whores on this site, the one that he had an affair was horrifying a mother of 3 crack addict he was also very mean to me I walked around in a daze not knowing what happened to my life, this man who I had been married for 18 years who treasured the ground I walked on was finding every fault in everything I did even his children he would put down. When I found out why..I was devastated, No one knows the pain someone in our predictment goes through if it wasnt for my children I would take my life...but,I tried to stay strong I lost 30 pounds, my husband with many apologies and begging me not to leave I stayed with him, I also made him stay at home from work on stress leave, I think we need them to be with us that is where something in the marriage was broken, we get lost in our daily lives and forget to say the "I love u's" My husband doesnt leave me he calls me from everywhere he is like you I too asked for every sexual details the more it hurt him and crushed me the more I wanted to know....So I guess it is a natural reaction...Now I think we will heal the problem is this...although we love our husbands we and this is how I feel we will never truly have that deep love the wholesome love we felt before the betrayal we will always feel they were not our "knights in shining armour" but someone we love they will have to suffer the consequence of this that the love that thier wife had will no longer be the same, but a love from a Blackened Heart Forever you never feel whole with this person but look at him with loss of something missing. This is the consequence this person will have to endure. "FAIRYTALES DON'T ALWAYS HAVE A HAPPY ENDING" so true....I had a beautiful wedding for what:-(
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2007): I don't know if your still on but my husband had an affair from November/06 to Feb/07 I caught everything on a dating site he chatted it up with many whores on this site, the one that he had an affair was horrifying a mother of 3 crack addict he was also very mean to me I walked around in a daze not knowing what happened to my life, this man who I had been married for 18 years who treasured the ground I walked on was finding every fault in everything I did even his children he would put down. When I found out why..I was devastated, No one knows the pain someone in our predictment goes through if it wasnt for my children I would take my life...but,I tried to stay strong I lost 30 pounds, my husband with many apologies and begging me not to leave I stayed with him, I also made him stay at home from work on stress leave, I think we need them to be with us that is where something in the marriage was broken, we get lost in our daily lives and forget to say the "I love u's" My husband doesnt leave me he calls me from everywhere he is like you I too asked for every sexual details the more it hurt him and crushed me the more I wanted to know....So I guess it is a natural reaction...Now I think we will heal the problem is this...although we love our husbands we and this is how I feel we will never truly have that deep love the wholesome love we felt before the betrayal we will always feel they were not our "knights in shining armour" but someone we love they will have to suffer the consequence of this that the love that thier wife had will no longer be the same, but a love from a Blackened Heart Forever you never feel whole with this person but look at him with loss of something missing. This is the consequence this person will have to endure. "FAIRYTALES DON'T ALWAYS HAVE A HAPPY ENDING" so true....I had a beautiful wedding for what:-(
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2007): NO you are not wrong!!!
I am going through the same thing.
I met my husband where he works, we have been married a little over 6 years then this past June he sat me down and told me that he never loved me, etc. I found out that he was having an affair with a married woman at work, I also used to work there so I have a few friends there they told me, NOT him. I guess this one was at least her second affair. Several people told me how she chased him, messed with his mind, and the worst part it happend there!!! at work. He maid such a fool out of him self over her. It lasted about 4 weeks, then the same week we contacted a lawyer and she thought we were divorcing for sure she dumped him. Over the next week we decided to try to fix our marriage, then when he went back to work and she saw the ring she started again. Of course he turned her down and told me, but she just kept on untill he had to go to the boss when she touched him. She was written up I was told?? and nothing has happened again YET. The problem is that my husbands job pays well for what he does, he has been there a long time, and if he changes jobs he will have to take a large pay cut. But he is looking.
This woman could easily find another job she's an LPN. She has only been there since March , she must have set her sights on him from the start, but she refuses to leave.
I told him that I can't feel safe untill he is away from her, but that's not the only thing, even the place its self we met there, we have friends there, its so hurtful.
I too feel ashamed, hurt, betrayed. It was only a few weeks but the damage was huge. He told me that he never loved me, only married me because I was pregnant, wasn't attracted to me. He told he this of course to justify himself!! He would come home all happy and get ready to go see her. He took our 5 year old son to see her just because he wanted her to get to meet her. I guess I stay because I know the things he said were lies, I always knew he loved me, except for this he was always a very thoughtful and loving husband, and the way he acted I know she worked him over good, she is good at what she does. He is very sorry, and I know he is trying so hard. I just take it day by day, some good, some bad. I don't know what will happen but I feel that I have to try.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2006): I wish I had replied sooner. I have been through the same painful situation and I too have a very sorry husband who will do everything he can to help me heal, except errase the affair. He would if he could.He has had counselling and we know why he ended up hurting us so much. The thing to remember is the affair had nothing to do with you, it had to do with his own feelings, if he had taken you into account he would'nt have done it.As time goes on you will recieve many of the disgusting answers to many of the disgusting questions and they will no longer have the power to haunt you. It's not knowing that haunts. One day you will not want to know any more. It's almost like hearing the whole story and the ugly bits is his first step in betraying his lover to you. As he betrayes her you will begin to build up a wall between you both against the other woman. I promise that the best way is to allow the pain to happen now and it will not only get better but it will diminish in time and it's power to hurt you will ease. You will not feel this bad in a few months time as long as you talk about it when you need to but enjoy the odd moment when you don't. You have such strength to even get this far. you were not to blame, this was about him., you could have been the perfect wife and he may still have done this thing, talk to people, trust someone with the story, have faith, I wish you well.
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female
reader, MarthaZ +, writes (8 March 2006):
 If you're self-harming and not able to deal with the issue then you need to see someone professional. Marriage counselling maybe? If you deal with your emotions in self-harming way it may ease the pain for a while, but not the cause of it. It's only making yourself ill by putting yourself down and going through your husband's affiar over and over again in you head.
Counselling can help you see that his affair was NOT your fault, you CAN save yourself and your marriage and be able to move on from this turmoil. Through help hopefully you can start to build your confidence back and move on away from anger and helplessness you feel inside.
The feeling you're going through will not last forever, even though it may not feel like it at this precise moment. But through help I hope you can start living a happy and loving life with your husband.
All the best xx
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A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (6 March 2006):
 Honey, you have done NOTHING at all to feel ashamed about. He has betrayed you not the other way round. Hold your head high.x
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female
reader, Eliza +, writes (6 March 2006):
Eliza is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to all who replied to me. I am still feeling so low, I feel worthless and full of shame. Every time we talk about my feelings it ends up in an argument. I have self-harmed, cut my self and hurt my head, anything to ease the mental turmoil. I cannot get the images of them together out of my head. Is it normal to ask for the details, I need to know everything from how they undressed etc, etc. This is awful, I still love him and he tells me he loves me and wants to save the marriage too, but I am so full of hurt, anger and utter helplessness.
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (6 March 2006):
No you are not being unreasonable. You are fighting to save your marriage and you must use every trick in the book honey.
xx
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A
female
reader, Eliza +, writes (1 March 2006):
Eliza is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for taking the time to answer my question, your advice is very welcome and it is good to look at things from another perspective. At times like this you feel you loose the ability to to think straight and you loose confidence in your sense of judgment. My husband is off work both through his sense of guilt and genuine health problems, because of his poor health it will be almost impossible for him to get another job, that is why I have concerns about him giving up this work.
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A
female
reader, MarthaZ +, writes (28 February 2006):
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. He was the one that lied and cheated on you, he should accept the consequences of his wrong doings.It seems like a good indicater that your husband has agreed to work elsewhere, that he's willing to change his job to save your marriage. The first 6 months to a year will be a reconciliation time for you two, perhaps discuss why he had an affair and what you two can do to overcome this issue. Spend quality time just the two of you, maybe go for a long holiday. But don't feel like you are being unreasonable, if anything you should demand it. If you are really struggling to cope then maybe marriage counselling could help, and try to get your confidence back. Whatever you do don't bury yourself and put all the blame on yourself, he should be taking some responsibility too.All the best Eliza!
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A
female
reader, ladybaby +, writes (28 February 2006):
If he hasn't been able to return to work as a result of this affair, it would make sense for his health if nothing else, that he leaves the company.He's off on sick at the moment, I take it he's fit and healthy otherwise? Why don't you encourage him to look into other jobs (depending on his role at the moment - he could look into consultancy or self employment.).You are not being unreasonable in wanting him to leave his job, and I take it as you haven't mentioned it, he hasn't accused you of being so.My mother had an affair at work about 10 years ago, and it very nearly destroyed the family, we all needed to forgive her, and in time we did. There's no time limit on how long it will take, but promise yourself, whatever you do, don't use it as a trump card in arguments. My father did that and it resulted in my mother leaving him five years ago for 2 years. I'm not saying forget - but don't be spiteful with the memories. He had a few months of utter stupidity, don't let that ruin a lifetime of memories.
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