A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Here’s the story… This happened years ago…So, I met this girl who was a little rebellious at first. She was flunking out of school and what not. I really liked her because she was herself around me. I feel madly in love with her. She was perfect with her flaws. We were young. I was her first real love and she was mine too.She had a dysfunctional family at home and because of that she had some difficulties with life. I helped her and guided her to do the right things in life. She quit smoking pot. Got her act together with school. When her friends stabbed her in the back I was the only one there. She made new friends. I supported her through a lot. Even when her mother attempted a desperate cry for help. I was there… I have a special place in her heart just as she does with me…Now, even though she had a life like that I loved her. I gave her tough love… It came with a price. We had a rocky relationship for the first 2 years. A handful of times she had lied to me about something serious. I would get very angry and blow up on her for lying to me. Like if she was skipping school or whenever there was distance in our relationship she would ignore me and lie to me about her whereabouts.The problem is whenever we “slipped” she would run off with another guy. Sometimes her ex boyfriend. I wasn’t really jealous. I just got angry that we never talked things out. I understand I do things wrong and say things that may have hurt her. I never meant it out of my heart. But there was one time things went entirely too far.The Story: We were eating and I said something stupid like “if you keep eating junk food, you’ll get fat one day” I didn’t call her fat. So, she felt resentful of me. Later that week, I felt distance and complications in our relationship so I made an attempt to talk to her and work it out. I went to her mother’s house. I talked to her and tried to talk things out. She didn’t budge from her feelings and position of defense whatever it was. She never told me what her problem was. Well, it fed my frustrations. I wanted a happy relationship and felt incapable of getting it because I didn’t know what to do. So, later that week I tried calling her. She ignores my calls and texts. I call her parents house and her sister tells me she is out with her ex-boyfriend. This is the same guy that she goes to when we fight. I felt like what she was doing was very wrong because we had not broken up. So, we run into each other that night at a party. When I see her I just lose it. So I let her have it. I told her I would not stand for that and would not put up with that behavior. I was as angry as could be. I didn’t 100% dump her I just told her that I didn’t want to be with someone that treated me that way. I didn’t dump her b/c in my heart I wanted to be with her. I was just irate with frustrations. I left the party immediately. Well this is what happened that night. She had been drinking. After I left she was outside on the back porch. She kissed this guy out side. They both choose to go downstairs to the basement (where they would be alone to hookup). She started hooking up with him. Things got out of hand and they had sex. I know this guy and he really pushes himself on women. He doesn’t take no for an answer. I feel like she may have been raped but I feel like she put herself in that situation. She blames the entire situation on him raping her, drinking and my comment at the restaurant. I was never the same. I stayed with her for a year and a half afterwards. Things worked after that, kind of, except for my anger and depression. I felt a lot of anger because it was so difficult for me to cope. He never let it go and prided himself on his accomplishment and before the end of our breakup he said things like “I wanna do it again! Breakup with her!”… I couldn’t take my anger towards either of them so I left her. I never knew what to believe. She was promiscuous. We had make up sex 2 or 3 days after it happened. We made up before I found out about it the following week. I believe that maybe she wanted to hook up with him to end our relationship emotionally and things just got out of her control. She was drinking, but this isn’t the first time she’s done something similar (Prev. Days after we fought/broke up and she gave some guy she liked head). Anyhow he humiliated her with his pride, so it’s possible she claimed rape out of guilt, embarrassment, and shame. The #1 thing that bothers me is that the relationship didn’t work on her end until I got my heartbroken. She was 100% mine after that happened… I just don’t understand. Q.) I broke up with her because I was always angry and I wanted him (alleged rapist) to quit taunting me about it. We were supposed to get back together. We had love. 5 years later I still haven't moved on. We've been talking recently. My hearts still confused. I feel like I deserve a more sincere apology/explanation than "I was raped".Am I wrong to feel this need for our penance? What would you need to let this person back in?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, the reason I never moved on is this: it's because we had love and this problem of closure and penance on our relationship which left me feeling angry. I was young and dumb and didn't know what to do about my situation. I didn't like the person I had become so I left her. Even after she was raped the relationship was good, I just felt a lot of anger, and the alleged rapist wouldn't let it go. I didn't know who to trust or what to do. So, I left her to take time to sort things out... We agreed to get back together one day (SO STUPID). 5 years later of loose contact... We started talking again a year ago and we've been progressing forward and backwards but no penance. Regardless of whether she was raped, she put herself in that situation and I've never heard her say anything about that! It's like ":: crying :: Oh my God, I'm soo sorry (almost like how could I) :: wipes tears, quits, crying :: I was raped " We all make mistakes. I'm a forgiving person... but she made choices that lead to that and I've never heard her admit that.
Hey guys! Appreciate the responses! It all helps! I'm seeing someone new now.. but I doubt I'll be in love for a long time.
A
male
reader, enjoimx +, writes (13 April 2009):
 I wouldn't let this girl back in your life man she totally wronged you. Cheated on you multiple times.Find someone more compatible with your values. You mention how it makes you angry when she does certain things. The solution is to find a girl who doesn't do those things. Break it off with her completely and move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): OK, you're not going to like anything I say. So stop reading if you don't want to hear it.
This girl 'has issues.' If you go back to her, she's going to still have issues, and there's still going to be drama. If you're going to be with her, then get used to it and deal with it. It's not going to change, and it will be your life.
You sound like a good guy, and I have to think that you can do better, you can find a girl with fewer issues. The fact that it's been 5 years makes me suggest that it's seriously time to move on. On the other hand, the fact that you haven't moved on in all that time maybe says you like the drama. One way or the other, suck it up. Accept her and all her stuff, and don't bitch about it if you go back. Or forget her.
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