A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I need some help. I really don't know what to do anymore. I am in lust with a married man and I can't get out. I can't stop wanting him! I know he can never be mine. But yet I still want him. It's been a year and a half that we've been friends. But nothing has happened. If anything just a little flirting and enjoying each other's company as friends. But gosh. When he smiles at me, my whole heart melts. I am only 18, but I have no desire to date because he has taken over my heart. Friends used to know that I like him, but I told them I got over it. But I was lying. I don't want them to think I'm crazy, but I've done some questionable things. Honestly, I think I am on the verge of bunny boiler behavior. But I am not crazy! (But really, if you are telling yourself your behavior isn't crazy...)I think I have done things somewhat stalker-like that I am not proud of, nor have I told anyone about. I have gone to places I think he might be at, I have gone past his house a few too many times, and I have visited his social networking site frequently. I just can't stop. I don't want him to be in my heart anymore, but I just can't let him go. What do I do? Thanks in advance :)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): Gosh, this is one piece of advice that is like the best thing I've ever read. Read this over and over from the poster below and post it on your bedroom wall so you never forget it.
"A female reader, maverick494 United States + ?, writes (29 January 2011):
..Realize that a married man is NEVER a good catch.."
That is sound advice. The only caveat is that if you are married to the guy, you should consider him a good catch...although many wives would disagree with that position as well.
Anyway, from a "married man" to a "young anonymous poster", remember that advice and live by it.
(I might add, a married woman is NEVER a good catch as well)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): don't feel badly. i went thru the same thing and i'm in my 40's. i'd been single for ALOT of years and he was so nice to me. i was also completely infatuated with him. i think he was with me also, we almost started something, and it still crosses my mind if i could have had him and wonderful it would be to be with him.
i ended up moving hundreds of miles away, otherwise i think it would still be doing what you are. i feel your pain. trust me, listen to these peoples advise and get away from him. the only one that's gonna get hurt, is you! he's with his wife, leave him be. there are sooo many fish in the sea. find one that's single and treats you well. u've got to be an amazing person to have held ur self control and actually have a conscience about doing the wrong thing and knowing some of these things aren't "normal".
u deserve someone for you! now go and find him! i started seeing this guy and it makes it sooo much easier. he still crosses my mind, i won't lie, but not like before! chin-up!
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (29 January 2011):
You need to leave him alone and move on to a single man.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (29 January 2011):
I've been in this situation around your age. Fell in love with a married man who was very devoted to his wife. My problem was we saw eachother twice a week (same sport) so cutting him out of my life wasn't exactly possible without giving up my membership.
Anyway, what you do is to be strong. Don't hide behind youth, thinking young age excuses childish behavior. You're at the point in your life where it is expected of you that you take responsibility for your own actions. You're not a smitten teen, but an adult. So take charge.
Simply let go of him. This is extremely hard to do, so I'll give you some pointers that helped me get over my crush.
- Realize that a married man is NEVER a good catch. Say he would go for you, behind his wife's back. This would make you happy ofcourse because that's what you really want. But is it? Is someone who cheats on the person he devotes his life to, a good person?
Basically, what you have to do is to make this man unattractive to you romantically.
- pick out mannerisms, viewpoints, opinions, etc. of his that you don't like/don't agree with. Even with pink glasses on, most people are able to see negative things.
If you're so infatuated with him that you can't pick out any negative things, turn it around.
- Would you really want to subject this good man to your feelings? He's married, he loves his wife and the last thing he needs is for a friend of his to develop a crush on him.
Then ofcourse there's you:
- Think of what your infatuation for this guy is making you do: you're stalking him online and in real life. You're obsessed with him. Is that the kind of behaviour you're proud of? Don't excuse it, confront yourself with it.
It's going to be hard but you're going to be able to let him go. I never let the man I was in love with know that I was. It's been two years now and we're friends. Like in the literal sense of the world. I have met his wife, who I get along really well with and this only helped me because there's no way in hell I would do something to jeopardize their marriage.
However, if there's a way to cut yourself out of this man's life, go for it. What I did is extremely hard and I was only lucky that his wife is such a nice person--if she were a bitch I would have even more trouble keeping myself in line. In the end it boils down to willpower.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (29 January 2011):
 You said 'bunny boiler' so you've seen "Fatal Attraction." So you know just how well that worked out for Glen Close. You really want to go there?
"I am only 18." When, exactly, do you think you will become an adult? You can vote, federally; depending upon the state in which you live you can drink. What's the benchmark when you're an adult? And what is an 'adult', anyway?
How about when you recognize that someone has made a vow, a commitment, about "foresaking all others". Hello, that's what he's done. He's committed to someone, and it's not you.
What do you do? You chill. You find someone ELSE.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2011): You need to distance yourself from this man. Cut him out completely.
Then go and find someone you can confide in, and get help.
Having feelings for someone is never wrong. But you would be wise not to dwell on that which you cannot have.
Flynn 24
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