A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Quick question. Am I in the wrong and he is right?I made a off hand comment to my boyfriend that men don't share their feelings (I was talking about a friend who is a guy, he seemed in a pissie mood so I asked him what was wrong to which he said "not important"). Any ways back to my boyfriend, after I said this he says "HA! hello pot". He was referring to the phrase "pot calling kettle black". I disagreed saying "i may not tell my problems or feelings right away but eventually I do", he thinks it doesn't count, but I think it does count. So am I in the wrong here? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 September 2014):
 .. And I , on turn, agree with Honeypie .
So it turns out that's all another story.
The problem is not that you do not agree upon the definition if " emotionally open " ( upon which, after all, you can agree to disagree- you don't have to agree upon everything ).
The problem is that he YELLS and curses at you when he disagrees ( and that , unluckily, you bite his bait, and yell and curse back ).
Tbh, that would to me a major dumpable offence . What a way of living is this , and what love has got to do with it, without a little respect.
Then again, I am a peace loving individual who hates dramas and scenes - particularly as a normal way of communication. Once in a very blue moon, under extreme provocation, I lose it too, of course ( or, I cause other people to lose it ). As an everyday communication tool over menial issues, no thanks, no can do.
But, that 's just me- you are younger , more passionate and sanguine maybe, for you cursing and loving aren't mutually exclusive , and you want to keep the guy in your life.
Then I see no other way than following Honeypie's advice.
But you have to be serious and consistent about it. You have to be patient, persistent and unflappable. You can't lose it, cry, panic, or yield to emotional blackmail.
Think if this like training or re-training a rebellious child or an unruly puppy ( sorry but that's what your bf acts like ): steel hand into velvet glove.
... Curses and yells ... " I am sorry, I won't talk to you when you are this way , let me know when you can talk normally "...and leave the premises. Calm,matter of fact; not in a huff. Pouts : " you don't want me "
. " I do want you, but I won't have you talking to me this way ".
" You don't love me "
" U love you very much indeed , yet I won't have you talk to me this way " .
Rinse and repeat , as long as necessary.
This will have two possible scenarios :
a) either he LEARNS- that as long as he acts like a troglodite, he can have the satisfaction to yell and feel right, BUT he can't have his gf around.
b) very honestly : it is also possible that ,since your bf is somewhat of a bully who is used to have it always his way, his frustration may lead him to dump you. Personally, I would see it as the answer to my dilemma : obviously he is a bully, who only cares about being right ,not about getting along- so, no big loss.
But if you do not want to risk anything ,... then I guess that you have no other recourse than accepting to be his doormat and whippingboy for the rest of your relationship - till the predictably not too far day when you will get too sick and tired of this, to carry on.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (16 September 2014):
 Actually, you are wrong AND you're right. Most men fail to share thier feelings because they see it as a 'girly thing to do, you know, 'real men don't talk about how they feel' But most men that do try to share their feelings with a women are belittled by the women or ignored..."You can't be serious, you can't really think that about him or her" so, We're damned if we do and damned if we don't. But you're right and wrong at the same time. It's just a good topic to discuss in a little more depth than a generalization, hat's probably why you were met with shock9eithe fake shock or real annoyance. Let sleeping dogs lie.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDoesn't matter I've told him over and over again how the cursing at me first is wrong, I point it out but to no avail he does it anyways. And if I ever did stop talking to him then he'll get all sad and sulky and say "you don't want me" or "you don't love me anymore" which is grrr. So I've pretty much say very little to him to avoided fighting and confrontation. I do open up about my feelings but I turn to friends instead of my boyfriend cause in the past whenever I did try to tell him how I was feeling or if it was a problem the only thing he would do was crack a sex joke! I'm no prude I don't mind jokes sometimes but he does it 24/7 just about, it gets rather annoying.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 September 2014):
 I would then decline to talk to him AT ALL til he can talk to you in a civilized manner.
Yelling back does nothing. Nothing for you, nothing for him.
Know what I mean? It's like people who hit their kids, telling their kids don't hit others....
Learn how to communicate without the yelling. You can take charge of how people talk TO you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies I appreciate them.
Honeypie, its already an issue once he starts cursing cause I've disagreed with him on something (which he did last night) then it provokes me into yelling and cursing at him right back because I would prefer to talk about things calmly rather than argue and fight about it, buthe doesn't seem to understand that though no matter how many times I tell him "can we calmly talk about this".
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 September 2014):
I agree with Cindy (and your BF)
Not everyone are open ALL the time, some work out their own issues by themselves instead of talking to others.
I wouldn't make an issue out of this. You two obviously don't fully agree on what "open" about feelings is.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 September 2014):
Well, I have to say that yes, in lack of other details, I think your bf is right.
For all you know, your pissed off friend - or other men - does exactly like you do : he does not share the reason of his moods right away, while he is still upset or nervous, but he does it later , when he has calmed down. Just exactly like you, only you aren't there to see , how can you know if and when they do it ?
Plus, I would not call " open about her feelings " a person who opens up " eventually " , a week or a year later. The openness stays in being able to pull things out and show yourself vulnerable or afraid or whatnot, warts and all, WHILE the feeling perdures and while things are happening. Not one month later when you have had ample time to filter that feeling, reason on it, analyze it, study it etc.- and you do not even feel it anymore.
Mind you, it's not a matter of right or wrong, if you ( or anybody else ) are protective of your feelings or reserved about them, I think that's perfectly fine too, it's just a way of being , a personality trait that is not necessarily something negative, it just IS.
But I would not claim a lable of " open " just because I can open up.... eventually.
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