A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I know (or think) I don't love him anymore, but there is still anger towards him, because he didn't treat me right, partially it was my fault because I loved him and hoped one day he would love me too. We were friends, then we dated for a short time but went back to being friends because he said he didn't want to be in a committed relationship even though he thought I was amazing, but he still wanted the benefits of being a boyfriend, and I didn't want anything that wasn't going to be serious, also I am a virgin and told him I am saving myself for a marriage and was not planning to satisfy his needs in any way without being in a seriously committed relationship.After going back to being friends on several occasions he asked me to be his friends with benefits, every time I answered no, but I think I was very firm the last time he asked and I am pretty sure he won't ask again. I would always answer his texts and it would take him forever (or never) to answer mine, I was always available and would always hang out with him anytime he wanted to, but it was never the other way. With time I stopped initiating contact with him, but he still would text once in 2-3 months, and I would answer not to be impolite. He didn't contact me during the last 3 months, I thought I have moved on, I thought there was no anger towards him anymore, but then recently he contacted me again (learning from a mutual friend that I made new friends and got new hobbies) and asked if we could hang out (when previously he brought excuses that he was busy in school even though I didn't ask him to hang out). And now I am really busy with preparing for grad school exams, I said no. Then again yesterday he asked if I was still busy, I said yes! Now I find myself thinking about him. I think don't love him anymore, but I wish I could tell in his face that it made and still makes me really upset the way he treated me and keeps treating, especially when he was the only guy I let so close to me and I trusted him so much. I wish he regretted that he let me go. And all of these is making me angry and not letting me concentrate on my school. Sometimes I think it will be better if I don't answer him at all, but then I feel bad doing that without giving any explanation.How can I let this anger go away since I don't think I'll get to say what I feel to his face??Thank you very much :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2014): This is a case of you saying no, and him figuring you're just being a tease. It almost seems like you're flaunting your purity in his face like a prize; and him misunderstanding that you don't mean it that way. You actually want to be a virgin when you marry. This is a case of conflicting values.
He is used to getting what he wants from a woman. You can't understand why he can't wait like you can. Well, if you don't know what you're missing, it's easier said than done! You're mad that he pressures you, and he doesn't seem too enthusiastic that you're holding-out. Well, it doesn't mean the same thing to him as it means to you.
Neither of you love each other that way. He's conveniently available male companionship; because you know him. He just feels you're withholding the forbidden fruit; nothing but a source of temptation. Always over-emphasizing your purity and virginity. There should be more to offer than your virginity. Which by the way, can only be offered once.
Then what's next? There's no depth to your relationship beyond the abstinence. Simply you demonstrating how long you can refuse to give-in. So, big deal! Get angry and get over it. Move on.
So it's an emotional tug-of-war. You can't use virginity as a bargaining chip for love. Either a guy loves you, or he doesn't. Yours is a friendship that should have just stayed a friendship. You never should have tried to turn it into a romance. I just don't think you love him that way. I think he wants nothing more than to take your virginity, and call it a day.
Your anger comes from wanting to have control over his feelings. You want to turn friendship into romantic feelings for you, minus the "benefits." He'd like to make it worth the trouble of sticking around to be your make-believe boyfriend.
I think you both should part, and just go your separate ways
to find other people. If the friendship survives separation, maybe you can have a reunion someday; and introduce each other to your new husband and wife.
You can't transform your friendship into a romance. It's not working. You're not on the same page.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 September 2014):
 Ah yes, I remember you, the " impoliteness " girl.
I think your anger comes from wounded ego ( no reproaches here, all of us have got egos, and all egoes get a little bruised at times ). What smarts is that he did not find you " good enough " for a relationship, but he did find you good enough for just messing around.
Yeah . Irksome. But not a tragedy. You could try to console yourself thinking that he is a moron who can't appreciate a good thing when they put it under his nose- he is not equipped by nature to appreciate a great catch like you- his loss, not yours. He does not know what he is missing, you do.
But , that takes a good / high level of self esteem and self love to do , so it's difficult, because maybe you do not have it yet , or you do ,but , as it is normal, it has taken a litlle beating because of his rejection.
So, let's try another approach. What about taking responsibility ? Mind you, I don't mean , getting mad at yourself rather than at him, that would not improve anything. Nor I mean, beating yourself up for having made the wrong choices, What is done is done.
I mean, ACCEPT that this comes from your not having handled the situation properly. And you haven't handled it properly because you haven't been true to yourself, your needs and your values. You haven't listened to yourself.
So : you have, and had, already decided , that you only want a serious committed relationship . YOu are not interested in casual sex and FWB.
Fine , commendable decision- then honour it. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
The first time he asked you to be his FWB, you should have not shillyshallied , you should have said : " No, are you nuts ? I am not interested and if you still want to talk to me do not EVER bring this up again ".
Then, it was his choice whther remaining your platonic friend, or vanishing from your radar.
In lack of this, the SECOND time he came up with his offer- if you believed in what you say ( only serious, committed r/ ship ) then you should just have BLOCKED him.
What part of NO did he not understand ? Obviously if he kept trying , he was tryng to work your resistence down, and you did not need the aggravation and the temptation.
WHat politeness and politeness ! Why, was it polite from him to keep pestering you with requests that offend and humiliate you ? Heck no, and politeness is only due to whom is polite too.
As a matter of fact, and sorry if I repeat myself, I think politeness has got little to do with all this. You wanted to leave an opening and to see if in time he would change his ways and his feelings toward you. A very understandable and forgivable mistake- but now you have seen that no, he is not intersted, he is not polite, he just wants to get laid, so, game over. End of story.
The guy can't/ won't give you what you want, so get rid of him already and be done with it all.
He did not " treat you badly ", he was not obliged to fall in love with you, or to requite your feelings. he is young, he is male, he is horny, he is physically attracted to you - he is trying his luck. He is doing his job of young horny male who is proactive in tryng to get what he wants. He was promoting HIS interest , not yours. But, it was not his job to promote your interests, guess whose job was it ? right, you got it : yours. It's quite simple after all, - if you only want a serious, committed relationship , then learn not to waste ANY time, any time at all, on those who show you they don't want the same thing you want.
Don't regret what happened, it's an excellent life lesson, and not only for romance. You decide the course of action that suits your values and desires - and you stick to it, no detours,no ifs and buts. Time waits for no one, so the least you waste it on people who clearly do not want the same as you, the best place you'll find yourself in.
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