A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Last night I came home to my man and told him that I was considering taking a pole dancing fitness class with a workmate who asked me to join her. It has always looked like a bit of cheeky fun and I really wanted to do it. He didn't like the idea, telling me only "sluts and single mothers" do things like that. I asked him if there was something I didn't want him to do, would he not do it and he said "yes, that's the difference between you and I". That hurt me. Somehow we got into a conversation about something else, and he snapped at me and told me to "stop being smart"... I didn't think I was. I asked him not to speak to me like that, that I don't like when he raises his voice at me and speaks to me like I am a child (there have been other times when he has pointed his finger in my face and told me things like "show some respect"). I told him it frightens me and takes me back to my childhood when my dad (who used to drink a lot) would yell at me. I told him I didn't like feeling that fear again. We got on to the topic of our relationship and he said he didn't want to "spend 5 hours talking about it" as he has to get up early in the morning, and he didn't want his Monday night football game spoilt by it (glad he has his priorities straight...). We went to bed as normal, and this morning he kissed me goodbye as normal. When I got up later and switched my phone on I see a text message from him basically saying that he can't be with someone who is afraid of him, and that it is over. No remorse about making me feel scared, just... it's over. I don't know how to feel...
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female
reader, thatgothgirl20  +, writes (21 July 2009):
 You are better off without this jerk. If he does come crawling back (as someone else said he might) tell him, "No I deserve much better. I deserve to be treated as an adult and an equal." Then walk away, and ignore anything else he has to say. What a cowardly way to dump you as well. A text message? Sounds like he's not so "tough" after all. I think someday when you are at a distance away from all of the pain and fear that you have or have had, you can laugh at what a dumbass this guy truly was. Like omg, he's so fucked up it's sad and funny at the same time. He sounds like one big joke.
A
female
reader, jaime90 +, writes (21 July 2009):
 this is the same as me and my bf used to be. he wouldnt let me do anything i wanted, but expected to do everything he wanted. He would always text me saying i dont want u , lets break up etc and stupidly i would always cry to him and call him and chase until one time i got over it, he text me saying lets break up and i said back ok. He would not stop calling me after that. he was crying telling me he cant live without me etc. i told him i didnt want to take him back, and i only did after him going to a therapist for a few months. things are better now, but i had to change my whole attitude and he is still seeing the therapist. its not easy if you want to make it work but he has to change good luck
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (21 July 2009):
 I wouldn't say your relationship is strong. You fear some of his behavior. He says it's over. It he said that just to get you to do something different and didn't mean to, that's manipulative and another pattern you'd need to worry about.
I don't see pole dancing as being wrong. It's a class. It's not like a new career choice for you. I think it'd be sexy if my fiance came home showing me what she learned from a class like that. It'd definitely spice things up. I don't see this as wrong.
You are your own person. Take the class. Have fun. Don't let anyone tell you not to. You don't need a relationship where what you do and don't do are controlled by someone else. That's no place to be. If you stay together, consider setting strict boundaries to protect yourself from being in a situation you don't need to be in.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (21 July 2009):
 It's okay to not know what to feel. Don't worry about that part...you'll go through a lot of ups and downs over the next few weeks or so.
However, I think your ex-boyfriend is totally immature. It's a freaking pole dancing class for fitness and you wouldn't have been dancing for cash (not that there is anything wrong with that either!). It sounds like he doesn't know how to be in a relationship. It takes open communication on both sides to make it work. He didn't even have the guts to say it to your face, he had to take the coward's way up and text message break up. What a wuss.
You are better off without him. No more disrespect and fear for you! Now you can enjoy that class without restrictions or judgment.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2009): Well how do you feel?
A jerk like that is gone from your life. He obviously isn't willing to work on any of the issues with a relationship, nor does he see his wrong in his attitude. When I was reading this, I thought to myself about all the women who wouldn't let any man tell them what they can or can not do as far as simple things like a dance class goes. I would have said to leave this guy and find someone more understanding and willing. Easier said than done I know...but being single seems better than being with a guy like that. But its seems like his ego got the best of him and he chose to leave, which seems like his pattern in unwilling to work things out. I don't think he understood what you were trying to tell him as well. He only saw you as being afraid of him, and he missed the whole point about how he was talking to you in comparison to that of talking to a child.
I know guys like that, love to crawl back when their life turns for the worse.
Well only you know how you feel, so you can talk about it if you'd like. Feel it all? Angry, sad, happy, frustrated etc, let it all out.
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