A
female
age
41-50,
*ardia
writes:Still negotiating through my 1st relationship (9 months so far). Here's the situation: I adore my boyfriend. I love him and love to take care of him--I want him to succeed in life, to feel loved and cared for, to realize the potential he has. I've helped him through some serious financial and family-relationship issues since we met.He sincerely said "I love you" for the 1st time 3 months ago but hasn't said it since. The problem is that when I physically reach out to him he seems annoyed, but when I move away or 'shut down' emotionally, he physically reaches for me and almost seems desperate that I might be upset with him. Is it wrong for me to want to share an to receive CONSISTENT love and affection? Am I wrong in thinking that we're too far along in this relationship to play hot and cold "thrill of the chase" games? Or is his comfort level so great that I need to stop worrying and just enjoy "being" with him? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, bardia +, writes (28 July 2011):
bardia is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for the insightful answers! It's odd because he'll lay across me or nearly sit on top of me on the couch. He almost seems to 'hold' me with his legs & feet. But he seldom reaches out with his hands. I do wonder (with having a degree in communicative disorders) if he might be high functioning Aspergers. So I do need to verbalize my concerns for a straighter picture of what he thinks & feels. I'm such a 'girl'--oy.
A
female
reader, Charlpop  +, writes (28 July 2011):
 It is not wrong of you at all! After 9 months, you should know exactly where you stand and how he likes you to act. Asking him whether or not he likes cuddling, etc would be the best way of getting a sure answer, but if you'd feel awkward, you could try getting yourself in a situation where he should feel drawn to protect or comfort you (like watching a really scary or sad movie?) and see what he does. If he doesn't want you cuddling up to him when you're crying over Marley and Me then he probably just doesn't like physical affection.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2011): Of course you aren't wrong to want consistency from your partner. That's how it ought to be. It doesn't sound to me as if it's even a "thrill of the chase" thing with your boyfriend, more a case of emotional immaturity. Ambivalent behaviour (alternating between wanting and needing you near and pushing you away) is extremely distressing for the person on the receiving end, and feels almost as bad for the one exhibiting it too! I think you need to address the situation with him. You mention you've "helped him through some serious family relationship issues"; more often than not, problems with attachment during childhood evolve into such behavioural patterns in adulthood. Have an honest discussion with him about what you've observed and how it makes you feel and see how he responds. If you can't find a way to resolve the problem in time though, don't be afraid to suggest seeking professional help. Sometimes, although we love a person dearly and would do anything to make them better, for their sake and ours we have to accept that we can't sort it out alone. Good luck and take care x
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