A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i just need some basic advice as to how i should handle this situation and if i'm justified for feeling how i do.i've been seeing this girl for a few months now. very slowly at first. very casual. but then it progressed into something more serious over time. well in the beginning she told me she had a roommate, but failed to mention it was her ex girlfriend. but i'm fairly perceptive, and i asked her straight up if her roommate was an ex. just a gut feeling i had. she lied to my face about it, though, saying that no, she wasn't her ex. but my gut kept telling me otherwise. i kept pushing the issue, and finally i pushed hard enough and was so certain, that she finally cracked and caved in, admitting that she was in fact still living with her ex.she then claimed that they had been broken up since june but still lived together because of financial reasons. but she kicked her out immediately after our fight. but i wasn't sure if i believed she was actually her ex, or still her current gf at the time. she insisted it was her ex. well as more time passed, i felt funny about it still, and it came out that in fact they did have a bit of a weird relationship. that they were broken up, but her ex was still very much in love with her, and for the sake of her daughter (the girl i've been seeing has an 8 year old), she claimed she acted like everything was fine around her. so things were very complicated. not so black and white like she claimed.i told her i didn't think i could be with someone who could lie to my face like that. especially since my last girlfriend lied constantly. i don't have the time for all that. but in the end, she begged me enough to give it another chance, that i decided to work through it with her because she was legitimately upset and swore she'd told me everything now. so we moved on.now, just a few hours ago, she was over here, and i drug it out of her that she still shares a bank account with her ex, despite them not living together. i got pissed off. i told her to leave. she's been telling me she didn't tell me because she didn't think it was important. but that's a HUGE deal to me. in my opinion, if a relationship ends, and you begin another one, your ties to that other person need to be cut. not to forget to mention that after all these months, she kept that a secret from me. am i wrong for being pissed off? am i wrong for wanting to end the relationship over this? i feel that she's obviously not trust worthy. advice needed please!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2012): i am the poster of this question. thanks for the advice from you both. i'm feeling a bit more attacked from ChaliceODamnation, but i do appreciate you both took the time to respond, nonetheless. i am a lot of things and have a lot of issues - far from perfect - but being jealous, controlling, and insecure are most definitely not any of my qualities. perhaps it appears that way on paper? matter of fact, those are the main things she mentioned she loved about our relationship the most; the lack of my controlling nature and my lack of jealousy. but when i know i'm being lied to, that's a different story to me. however, i do agree with you that in relationships, no one should feel forced to tell anyone anything, rather, they should come to the person willingly. however, i believe that is in reference to situations where the individual isn't keeping harmful, hurtful information from the person they are seeing. this situation and the lie effected our relationship directly. i never push her about anything. i'm very laid back. but i don't like secrets. and to me, when you start out a relationship based on lies, that's a bad way to start.
as for starlights, i agree that if trust is broken early on, it's hard to get back. and she's proven to me she's not trustworthy. all she simply had to do over these few months was mention to me the situation she has going on with her ex, and i would have been more than understanding. at least then i would have known about it and knew she respected me enough to inform me. i give her that same respect. i don't expect anything i don't already give. i told her last night it seemed we weren't very healthy if she felt keeping secrets were acceptable. i've been in too many unhealthy relationships in my past, and i'm not looking to invest myself into anymore. thanks for the response.
A
female
reader, AuntyAlexxmo  +, writes (11 January 2012):
 I can understand why it is hard for her to explain to new girls she meets that she still lives and has connections with and ex, as i still lived with my ex when i met my partner. And i can understand why she might have wanted you to get to know her a bit before telling you about it all.
But she has clearly lied more than is acceptable and if i was you i would find it very hard to believe anything she said. A relationship needs to be built on trust and true and there clearly isnt any of this between you two.
Whether you can give her a chance to change her ways or not is up to you.
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A
male
reader, JakeChaucer +, writes (11 January 2012):
If she lived with her ex husband would you tolerate it? It sounds like a mess, If she lied about that why would she NOT lie about other things. Think about how much you want this? Its a mess for the kid too. Me personally I would move on. Ask her if you lived with your ex gf and lied what would she do? What do you really want? Personally I would assume she messes around with the other girl, too many feelings there, you see them every day. Just keep in mind what do YOU want
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2012): The thing about opinions, is that you shouldn't make or FORCE another to share yours. This Woman believes it wasn't a big deal. That being with the other person and living with them was the issue you had and it was resolved.
Also I don't like how you keep forcing and badgering this woman into admitting the 'truth'. You are clearly a very jealous, insecure woman and I wouldn't put up with that sh*t but I guess this woman has/will. So perhaps you are peferectly matched.
On the bank account issue, agree to disagree. But being you are so insecure, controlling because of your fear and jealousy- you will keep at her until she submits and agrees with your point of view. Ick.
How do you not want someone you love and care for, to be their own person?
Its not love if you have to keep at her, attacking her, mistrusting her. You can give the excuse that she lied previously as just cause to not trust her but if you dont' trust her, let her go. Otherwise your fear and jealously will destroy yet another relationship.
I'm Thinking you BOTH need to go to couples counselling. Because I suspect your GF is used to being in relationships with Jealous and Insecure Women so she will need to heal and recover from that abuse. Also you will need to get over your fear and insecurity of abandonment because you have some Irrational Jealousy, Controlling Jealousy going on.
Get that sorted out ASAP and maybe you both can learn how to live and love healthy.
http://teenadvice.about.com/od/loveanddating/a/jealousy.htm
http://www.gladeanamcmahon.com/pdf/How%20to%20Overcome%20Jealousy.pdf
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A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (11 January 2012):
 If she is not trustworthy your definately justified in feeling the way you do.
Keeping secrets and being decietful are not signs of a healthy relationship and can lead to more hurt in the future if you continue, so best to move on.
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