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male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I have been reading a lot of the stories on this site about men whose wives have lost their sexual desire. This happened to my wife, too, many years ago. I think we have had sex just once in 10 years and maybe only a few times in 15 years. We have been together 20. That's a complicated story full of woe and I don't think there is any hope of changing her based on the accounts I read by other men and my own experiences. I have come to accept that. I am not happy about it, but I can't turn lead into gold.However, my problem is deeper than that. My wife is not even affectionate anymore. She hasn't kissed me since whenever and doesn't want me kissing her. She will hug me, but only if I put my arms around her first. She will hold hands when we walk and that's about the extent of it. No soft caresses, no light touches, no real physical indications of affection and except for in a letters she writes every few months she won't say "I love you" either unless I say it first. She says she loves me and we are soulmates, but this lack of affection is getting to me. We rarely cuddle (she hates cuddling and always has as she says it makes her feel claustrophobic). We each sit on our own sofas. We sleep in separate beds (me upstairs and her downstairs). We keep different schedules. All of these things are not the problem, but symptoms. Recently, I hurt my back for the first time. It was not debilitating, but it was bad. I wanted my wife to massage it for me and she wouldn't. She would spend three seconds applying mentol cream if I practically begged. She told me to go see a massage therapist. Now, I realize she's not a masseuse, but that hurt me. When she hurt her back badly about 8 years ago I rubbed it and stretched it and massaged it. I applied an electrostimulator that the doctor loaned us and did whatever I could to make her feel better. I think it's cold that she couldn't bring herself to do the same for me. She has always been somewhat distant and cold. In fact, I have an e-mail she sent me from when we had been dating 9 months in which she called herself "ice princess." I guess I should have seen that for what it was, but I was in love and the sex was good (at the time) so her quirks were overlooked. After so many years now, though, I feel like I have been living in a sensory deprivation tank. If another woman (wife's sister, coworker, or coworker's wife) so much as touches me in a sensual (not sexual) way like rubs my shoulders for 30 seconds or kisses my cheek or rubs the back of my head when hugging me it's like these incredible feelings of longing for touch well up in me. How can my coworker's wife want to kiss me on the cheek for New Year's and yet me own wife didn't kiss me at all? Note, I am not saying that she meant anything by it. Just some people are touchy-feely and friendly and that's NOT my wife. My wife also doesn't like being touched. If I stroke her arm or hair or pat her lightly on the tush she gets annoyed with me and tells me to stop. She will let me hug her and hold hands. That's it. I don't necessarily need the type of person who is always grabbing at me. In many ways I find that annoying. However, I miss having a woman pat my butt once in a while, run her fingernails down my back, kiss my forehead, or even just run her fingers through my hair. It's hard to go on living without that. I feel like I can't get a divorce over something so stupid, but it's also very basic. When I talk to my wife about it she says that that's just how she grew up - in a household with a single mom and no role models for how couples should interact - and that she feels uncomfortable with physical affection. It makes her feel smothered, she can't breathe, it makes her itch, or tickles or whatever that annoys her. She says she will try to be more affectionate, but it seems she just doesn't have it in her. If I tell her I might have to divorce if this continues she gets very upset, but she does not change. She says I need to accept her as she is, she's not perfect, and that I'm not perfect either.Is there any hope for us? I don't think she can suddenly be that woman I'd like her to be. Could she ever be? Would you divorce over that? Our life together is really nice otherwise, but when I interact with other woman I feel like my life with my wife is missing an important element that I crave and which most couples share. I feel more lonely and less doted on now then when I was single and was lucky to have gotten a good night kiss from a girl in a month's time.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2012): If she does love you, then she is using a damn strange meaning f he word. Is there anything in this relationship for you at all? If not, get out. If so, get permission to see other women. Prostitutiion, if it's safe and legal where you are, is an option.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2012): Your wife sounds like she has been abused, raped, or has some other issue that needs to be addressed.Go ask her, just come right out and ask her. She may very well say "no", but that may not be true.I've been there, done that, done over two years of counseling with my wife as well. But, she denied having issues for a long time...denied and denied and denied. But, when she finally broke down and admitted it, a lot of shit had happened to her. It wasn't like that when we got married, and it wasn't "bait and switch". The problem with abused people is the long the touches go on, the more "normal" life becomes in the absence of truly effective therapeutic counseling, the worse the memories become and the more they intrude into the relationship. Why? Because there isn't any drama to distract you from the memories. This often leads these people to have drama filled lives with multiple divorces, etc. All that drama keeps you from having to think about what daddy or uncle Bob did to you.Easy, no, not at all. Took my wife 18 years to open up to me, and she didn't fully open up till after that. She didn't even want to admit to being molested and raped. After that our sex lives became quite good, and mutually quite satisfactory. It was like night and day. But, before you think that is all the story, read on.If you love her, go to a counselor. If she loves you she will come as well. Tell them what you have said here.Open up the conversation at least. Buy this bookhttp://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933Read it and leave it laying around the house when you are not home. If your wife asks you why you are reading it, tell her "I just want to understand what happens to people".Now, if your wife has a history of suicidal attempts, severe depression, or similar history, DO NOT DO THIS AND DO NOT APPROACH THE ISSUE WITHOUT PROFESSIONAL HELP OR YOU WILL END UP WITH A DEAD WIFE. Sometimes people open up only when they are ready for it all to end, and they want those they leave behind to know that they didn't kill themselves for some other reason.A year after my wife opened up, almost exactly, she was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts that she couldn't control any longer. The anniversary of that "opening up" was to much to take.Within two months of that happening, she was under treatment and "doing good" by her own statements, only for me to find that she was wandering off during the day, parking in a remote area, and praying and having suicidal thoughts with nobody knowing where she was.Sometimes, the Ice Princess becomes an emotional tornado that nobody can control.So, be careful.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (11 January 2012):
 I've been through what you're experiencing.... I spent 6 years with a woman who was - by my looking-back recollection - frigid..... She/we started out with dating and spending lots of time together.... AND with occasions of intimacy/s*x....
After about 2-1/2 years the s*x went away, and things were like that for the next 4 years (until about 6 months ago)... At that time we had "the discussion"... wherein she announced that we weren't having s*x (I didn't know that she had realized that!!!!....).... and that, maybe we should commence to see other people and forget about the intimate/sensual/s*xual relationship that didn't exist between us....
We've reconciled matters, now....and she has taken to seeing a new guy-friend.... and I have a REAL G/F.... and the two of us are much happier, now....
We still have to interact, since we have many friends and activities in-common..... AND we own rental property together....
IF'n I had known, earlier, that this woman was going to prove to be frigid, I would have NEVER invested with her.... BUT, we are (both) doing the best we can to keep things on the up-and-up....
Good luck for you. First thing: IF she isn't much interested in s*x....and YOU are.... get away from her as soon as you've figured that out.....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2012):
I don't know if there's hope but I've once read an amazing but difficult book about couple therapy by David Schnarch (www.passionatemarriage.com). I don't know if Dr.Schnarch or the book will solve your problems, but the author describes some expamples where he has helped people who dealt with sexual problems e.g. no sex at all, in their marriages and the therapy results were surprising.
I don't want to convince you of doing something I haven't tried myself, but maybe give couple therapy a chance. I mean, it can hardly get much worse, so I'd take the risk.
Having had a bad childhood is an explanation but not a 100% excuse for one's behavior as a grownup. So even if she has reasons why she feels that way now, there are other reasons she insists on keeping it that way and you both need to explore that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2012): My ex was like this. Definite bait and switch. As much as admitted it some years down the road with the admission "I don't really enjoy it, never have, it's not just you, it's just not important to me".
After putting up with a sexless relationship for four years I jumped ship. I tried everything I could and although she said she still loved me and didn't want me to go, the total lack of intimacy killed it for me. It caused me to become dreadfully depressed.
I am still single, two years on. I'm lonely. I still miss sex and intimacy and companionship. Would I go back? NEVER. Get out now.
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A
male
reader, JakeChaucer +, writes (11 January 2012):
Im a guy, I know what that stuff is like. My best answer is write down everything you want to say to her make a letter. Tell her everything your feeling, Honestly any guy would feel rejection, and be unhappy. Communicate with her, give her a chance to work on her stuff, if she doesent or chooses not to, you have to do what makes you happy!!! Life is too short to be unhappy! Hope it helps!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2012): "Is there any hope for us?" No, there isn't. Marriage counselling is the only thing that may work but frankly this woman sounds like a victim of abuse or something (but it would be wrong to assume of course). You see she was perfectly fine with physical affection, sex and things like that in the beginning so she has no problem doing it, so regardless of what she can do it.
All I can say is you don't have a marriage, you have a room mate and a frisnship. I mean she will gladly hold hands in public and put on a show for other people but that's it, it's like she wants people think you have a nice relationship but frankly OP it's dead and has been for a long time.
OP it sounds to me that she has her own deep issues here something she needs to explore. Feeling uncomfortable with close physical contact is normal for some but not to this extreme, it's an abnormal behaviour and it's one she did before when winning you over but then one day she can't even let you touch her and doesn't want to be anywhere near you?
You need the help of professionals with this, she needs to go alone and you both need to go together. Just because her mother wasn't affectionate is not a good excuse seeing as she was. A kiss on the cheek is nothing like and she can't even do that anymore.
This is not stupid OP and unless this can be fixed it is definitely grounds for divorce. You're not happy and you haven't been happy for a long, long time. How is that stupid? No marriage is perfect but yours is a marriage only in name, there is literally nothing more to what you have than her being your room mate, and I can tell you OP I get more affection and drunken hugs from my male friends than you get from your own wife. This can't go on, and it is not worth missing out on your fundamental needs. Try your best, get counselling, take your time and try and work through this. But divorce on these grounds is definitely right and sensible, she has to work at this or you have to leave. You can't possibly live the rest of your life like this.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 January 2012):
 If you had a business partner that was not pulling their weight what would you do?
sounds to me like this marriage is being run like a business.
she's not going to change... and yes she did warn you
and sadly it sounds like bait and switch... give sex to get married then stop... it sucks truly and it's not right or fair.
I have always until this current partner been mismatched with affection levels with my prior partners... I want LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of affection... if someone else does not you cannot foist or force it on them.
alienation of affection is not stupid and it's a legitimate reason for divorce.
the other option is to present her with the possibility of you taking a lover on the side with her approval and consent...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2012): Even a small amount of affection is important in a relationship. What are you otherwise - housemates? No tenderness, cuddles. Most people would find this a basic need from someone they love. Just consider the future - do you want to live with someone who is just basically a friend? If you want more, you should tell her but it seems you have already done this. Lack of intimacy and tenderness IS a reason for deciding to move on. The thought you might leave may prompt her to think deeply about herself and what she wants too.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 January 2012):
 Is there any hope for us?" Not at this rate. Why haven't you gone to see a marriage counselor?
"I don't think she can suddenly be that woman I'd like her to be. Could she ever be?" It sounds like she has some sort of aversion to physical contact. Could she have been abused or experienced some sort of assault? I think only a trained professional specialist who examined and diagnosed this problem would be able to tell you.
"Would you divorce over that?" If she's withholding physical and emotional intimacy, um, is it a marriage or a simply a couple of people who happen to inhabit the same house?
If you've been quiet, hoping for a miracle, I think it's time to realize that you need to take positive steps and seek professional counseling. At the very worst, you'll learn a bit more about yourself and why you have tolerated this for so very many years. At the very best, you'll understand why she is the way she is. Seek counseling. Good luck.
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