A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing my co-worker for over a month now. We went through nine weeks of training together, and became pretty close within the last few weeks, and started dating - which is completely unlike me for many reasons. He has a 2 year old daughter, and a baby on the way - from different moms. I've never really associated with people my age who have kids because... I've always sort of considered that trashy, if it wasn't planned. I totally understand that some people just -want- to be parents, and thats all they want - thats fine. But when babies are popping up all over the place in high school because people aren't smart enough to use protection or keep it in their pants, well... I've just had different priorities in life, and I will continue to have different priorities for quite some time. I'm sorry if that offended any young parents :(Anyway, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, because he is a pretty great guy. Makes me laugh non-stop, which if wonderful. I almost met his daughter, and she's a fantastic kid. We got along really well and I love being around her. He did warn me that with the next baby, there would be a significant amount of "baby-mama-drama", which he described as the mother trying to get back with him. I was fine with this because he assured me he had no interest in her anymore as she had cheated on him, and he wasn't even positive that it was his baby.Well... I think that description was a massive understatement.Lately, they've been having a very immature discussion, her side mainly on how bad of a father he is and how he'll never get to see his son... but in less than good grammar. His side consists mostly of calling her extremely rude names, how she was just someone to screw, how he never cared about her, and how fat she is...I could deal with the fact that he could possible have two kids with two different women before he is old enough to drink.I don't think I can deal with him treating his ex like this.First of all, whether that's all she was to him or not, until the paternity test says for sure, she could still be carrying his baby.Secondly, if that's all she ever was to him, who is to say that I'm any different to him?I just don't want to be with someone who treats women like that whether they're crazy exes or not. I've always gotten along with my exes quite well, most of us are still good friends. I think a lot of it has to do with maturity, and the respect we have for each other.Am I wrong for wanting to split up with him over this? He's a great guy and all, but I've never dealt with this kind of behavior from someone I was dating BECAUSE I've never wanted to.
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co-worker, her ex, his ex, immature, my ex, split up Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys for your inputs.
Jack, the differences in our values absolutely makes me uncomfortable. He has no determination to succeed in life, he's perfectly fine working the mediocre job we do and "getting by". I would never be satisfied with that. He and I have very different backgrounds as well. We both grew up poor and having problems with our parents, but we deal with them in different ways. I use it as a fire under my ass to get out of here and do something with my life, whereas he just tries to drink his problems away. There is nothing wrong with partying, but it's not meant to be any kind of a satisfying lifestyle, in my opinion.
To the second reader: Typically, yes - the multiple babies from different moms would have been a red flag to me. Hell, the one baby would have been a red flag to me. But mistakes do happen, and I do try to give people the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise... this is the point where it has been proven otherwise, unfortunately.
I understand how guys act. Most of my friends growing up have been guys because it is difficult to find women, at least in this area, who are anything other than backstabbers and... well... sluts. Like I said, I try to avoid letting friendships develop with those kind of people, if for no other reason than I don't want them asking me to babysit so they can go party. I've been friends with the womanizing guys because I become "one of the guys" to them, so I do know how they talk. But I also know the difference between the mature ones and the immature ones. I've dated guys who have had ridiculous experiences with their exes, but are still AT LEAST civil to their faces.
Of course the girl is egging it on in this situation, and I do understand how that would be frustrating, but all he is doing is keeping her going by responding in his manner. There are much better ways to handle the situation, and it's not as if I would want him to be more mature in handling this simply for the sake of making me more comfortable - this entire situation is their business, not mine. But for the respect of women in general, and for himself... all he is doing is making himself seem like an ass.
And she's actually not fat, which is another upsetting aspect. I don't know her past or how she feels about her body, but as someone who formerly had an eating disorder - those kind of words can really send someone over the edge.
Cereberus - He seemed like a great guy before all of this happened :/ but... I bet Charles Manson seemed like a great guy at one point, as well.
LonelyTwo - is there something wrong with connecting with someone you work with? We spent 8 hours a day, 5 days a week together for 9 weeks. We seemed to have a lot in common, it wasn't just his sense of humor - I just happen to consider a sense of humor to be one of a guys best qualities.
And... I never said that's all it takes to "get into a girls pants". He hasn't "gotten into my pants" yet. We're dating. That doesn't mean we're sleeping together yet. He at least respects me enough not to pressure me, especially considering his past.
Denise - the first he is really involved with. He has his daughter all of the time, and he really is a good dad to her. But yeah, that doesn't make up for the fact that both children were accidents resulting from irresponsibility.
In conclusion, thank you again everyone for your opinions.
I will be ending this -.-
....wtf why does everything I write end up sounding like an essay? In conclusion? honestly.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2010): Well it's nice not to be judgmental but your judgment here is fine because it's about what you want in your life and there's no need for you to get involved with his drama.
Sometimes you have to let your head rule and if you date him then there is a good chance that one day you will be the ex in the story who did this or that and who is only mean about him because she wants him back or whatever.
He might have some good qualities and they are why you like him, but he has totally different values to you and that's a deal-breaker.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2010): Hey Honey,
It is really good to have standards and stick to them. I totally understand your not having things in common with young parents.
You have a totally different set of goals. From looking at my friends and family members the people who have maintained thir standards, have actually been able to aquire a high standard of living etc.
This man you have met is not on your level. He is going to be doing this "baby-mama-drama" for at least another 18 years. Find someone single and kid free.
Good Luck x
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female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (21 June 2010):
 Personally, I'd break up with him in a heartbeat! He sounds pretty irresponsible with two children from different women, neither of who he is much involved with, let alone committed to.
Its likely that if you get any deeper into this friendship, he will eventually treat you just as badly as he is them.
Good for you wanting to ditch him!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010): He doesn't sound all that great to me, to be honest. I have nothing against young parents but twice is just completely irresponsible it shows that he has no consideration for the consequences of his actions.
Great guys don't get into such petty squabbles with the mother of their child either. Great guys will do what they can to keep the peace for the sake of the child, I mean he's stressing out a pregnant woman, a woman pregnant with his child, not exactly off to a good start is he?
He sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do and frankly he is carrying a lot of major baggage. Having children by an ex is fine, having a kid with two exes one that he hates and treats like dirt is a bit much. I'd walk away.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010): IMO the red flag is that he's a young parent and not the bickering with his ex. Let's be realistic here. She cheated on him. That's enough to send both courtesy and respect out the window. Even if he was polite it would be a ruse to keep you from freaking out (which is exactly what happened). Trust me, being a guy i know how guys truly feel about exes who have cheated on them.
Unfortunately i can't offer you any advice. I have to admit i'm also biased against single parents. But if you decide to dump him, don't do it because he calls his fat cheating ex names.
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reader, ForgottenSoul  +, writes (20 June 2010):
Firstly I feel compelled to say that you sound incredibly mature and headstrong, with a good set of strong values. It is for this reason that I must say that, no; it was not wrong of you do split up with him due to that.Usually I would say that the woman in question is taking things out of context and building mountains out of mole-hills, however I see that you know what is right and wrong, (at least to you), and it is because of that that I can find no fault in your decision. You have strong morals and you stuck to them, that is very mature and important.The biggest thing to think about is this; would you be happy being with him when he goes against the values that you hold? Would it/does it make you uncomfortable? It seems as if it does, and that is no way to be within a relationship. I admire you for your self-awareness :-)Good luck and all the bestJack
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