A
female
age
41-50,
*ery upset
writes:Am I wrong for asking him to not be in the child's life cause honestly I dont think I can handle it if he is, because that means he will have to be in this OW's life as well for the child's sake. He has no business with them. I dont think I'm wrong for asking him this, he said it was't fair for me to give him this ultamatum but it is not fair to me what him and her did either. So why should I be the victim and have to suffer. God says to honor thy husband and wife and if he loves me like he says he does then he should alwayd put me first as I put him. I asked to put the shoe on the other foot, how would he feel if I had another man's child. Please help!!!!! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): I'm not a Christian, but I believe in these type of situations the church can really help. Forgiveness, love, charity and mercy, the christians preach all these things. Why not visit your local church and talk to the priest, they will be able to help you with your hurt and anger and help you to do the best thing for your marriage and yourself.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): Babes, I'm really sorry that your husband treated you wrong. He should never have done this, especially as you were sick at the time. I know you just want this woman and her baby to go away. I know you want things to go back to the way they were before you found out. I know your angry, hurt and confused, and you have every reason to feel like this, but the issue won't go away. He will have to pay for this child, she will continually try to make him part of her childs life. No matter how hard you try, the child won't just disappear. In a couple of years the child will be old enough to demand to speak to it's father.
It's early days. Your still trying to work out your marriage, but if you demand he forget about this child it won't make things better, it will make things worse. Your aunt is older, and things were different in the past. This child won't go away, and when it comes to claim it's father, you will be seen as the wicked evil woman who stole him away. Please, please think carefully. Your strategy for dealing with this, will cause you, your husband and the child, years and years of pain.
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A
male
reader, Devil Spawn  +, writes (31 July 2008):
 ok, whilst i admire your faith you need to stop brining "god" into all this.
Im sorry your not getting the answers that you want from us and I am sorry your Husband hurt you, I can understand the OW not wanting an abortion for some woment that is just not an option.
Now one thing I noticed in your post is that its very "me me me me me me, god god god, me me me, Husand".
No matter what the circumstances are you still dont have a right to give your husband an ultimatum like that.
You have two choices,
1) try and work things out with your husband, forgive him and try to work past your hurt to come up with a mature solution.
2) leave.
You dont get the choice about this child, that is between him and her, if he loves you he will stay, if you love him you will both work it out.
Try to think about the future and the child involved.
Also again, whilst I admire you have faith I don't think this was an act of god, god had nothing to do with it soooo maybe use your faith as a way of healing but don't use it as an excuse to punnish this child.. thats just wrong.
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A
female
reader, very upset +, writes (31 July 2008):
very upset is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLet me tell you all the whole story because it was not on here for some reason after I tyoed it all.
I found out on June 5 my H cheated on me when he received a letter from child support due to the OW suing him for child support. I had a ectopic(tubal pregnancy) last yr which resulted in emergency surgery. For a while (4 mos) me and my H could not have sex due to all the complications of this pregnancy. He says he was sexually frustrated and had sex w/ this woman for a couple of mos. He says it was "just sex". We have been together for 13 yrs. We have pretty much been like the ideal couple everyone wants to be w/ there mates. I was so happy until june 5. I can't believe he cheated on me, especially after I had been thru the surgery, that was dead wrong. Marriage is sacred vow. "through sickness and in health". I am so depressed, he knows everything I have been thru w/ other men and how I thought I could never trust any man again, how I was hurt in the past and he goes and hurt me the most. Now she was dead wrong for not letting him know about the pregancy either. This woman is 38 yrs old and has a 15 and 13 yr old children. She is single, now tell me she is not vindictive, she planned this pregnancy because she wants my husband. She think this a reason for him to be in her life now because of this baby. She told him she did not tell him she was pregnant because she knew he was married (by the way she knew this and he says they had an agreement at the beginning that it was only going to be sex between them and nothing else) and she did not beleive in abortions. How could she say that, but she beleives in committing adultry w/ a married man. She is a no good tramp. She did not consider my feelings or his. All she thought about was herself. Now there is a child here w/ no dad in the home. I have thought some devious thoughts about her but I am better than that, I will let God take care of her. Yes I know he will take care of my H too. My H told me he was going to take this secret to his grave but God wouldn't let him. I'm glad I found out, it opened my eyes to my H. I look at him differently now of course. I love this man w/ all my heart. This is why I asked not to be in the child's life. I know you all may think I'm wrong but I don't. I have talked to OW who was in similiar situations where there H's did stay away from the children, for example my grandma told me I have an aunt who is the same age as my mother who no one in the family knows a bout except her and my grandfather. She states somestimes in some situations that's how things have to be for the sake of saving marriages. I know the child is innocent.I don't hate the child or is jealous but I am not going to be OK with this. I asked him to put the shoe on the other foot, if I had a child w/ OM while we were married what will he do. FIRST OF ALL I WILL NOT DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT BECAUSE I LOVE HIM AND VALUE MY MARRIAGE!! I think I always have put on a pedal stool, maybe I should not do that. I have heard people say love God first, I loved my H fisrt. Am I being punished for that. I do know that H and W come first after God. I know that now. I am not very religious but I do pray everyday and ask God to guide me thru all of this. Someone also told the story of Apraham and Sarah, it was not wrong og her to ask her H to cast out the OW and child, why is wrong for me?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): Personally I think thats unfair. The child has done nothing wrong. And if you are not careful you could lose him altogether. Whatever circumstances the baby was conceived in, every child has the right to a mother and father. Don't be the wicked step mother. I know you are hurt but when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. May sound cheesy but It's true xxx
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A
male
reader, Uncle Sneaker  +, writes (30 July 2008):
 You aren't going to find your answer by throwing around quotations from the Bible, mainly because for nearly every extract there's another that can be interpreted as meaning something different. If, however, you take the Christian message as a whole, then I'm sure you would see the importance of a child having the love of both parents and the overriding need to put this first - but not exclusive to everything else.
Similarly, assigning blame at this stage doesn't help. If I understand you correctly, that another woman has had your husband's child, then I'm sure everyone already knows that it was wrong. That's not the point; not now. You need to move forward, without destroying your relationship if that's possible, and accept that he now has another responsibility. He too needs to move forward. He needs to accept that you are still important - more so, now that he has breached your trust in him. But he needs to do it without shirking his new responsibilities and without making a potentially very bad situation much worse. If he can't do it without remaining "involved" with this woman, then you need to consider whether the basis of your own relationship with him is still sustainable.
If he can do it, and he can now remain faithful to you in the future, then I think you should embrace the new responsibility with both arms. Take his love for his child and share the joy with him. Accept that life will never be the same, and move on together.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): "At the same time came the disciples unto Jesus, saying, Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?
And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them, And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me.
But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea." Matt 18:1-6
Read your bible it contains the answers you seek, the rest of this verse talks about cutting off the arms that sins and plucking out the eye that hurts... The child is innocent, blame the man, not the other woman who was free to love.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): HiI understand that he has hurt you and he was wrong, But you must put your feelings second to the child. The child has no part of the adults arguments and should never ever suffer because of them. Yes it will be hard for you but this is your challenge to overcome, if you stay with your man then you must accept his child as a part of your family and hopefully one day you will grow to love the child as an extension of your family. Please do not build resentment around the young one, it is a mistake that many many people do and they are selfish and just wrapped up in their own hurt. The child is innocent and should be treated as such, the father now has a responsibility to his child and should be allowed to do the best he can.You are completely wrong giving him an ultimatum and depriving the child of a father and him of his child. You will have to be very strong regarding the other woman been on the scene because she always will be in the background now, and if you can not handle this then YOU should leave his life! or find the strength to look forward to having a new step child and new brother sister for any children you may have. HONOUR THY HUSBAND OR WIFE! you say.Suffer little children, forbid them not, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to these! Somewhere in your hurt you can find love if you transform it! be a magician Good luck.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (30 July 2008):
 How awful, if he cheated on you when this woman got pregant i assume? But unfortunately i dont think its right to stop contact. Its a toughie and i would struggle with it too. But its always the children that suffer. We as a nation are getting better at putting children first and thats good news.
Try to put aside any feelings to do with you, him and her, those can be worked on, but dont make it hard for him to see this child. Hard as it will be for you.
Do the right thing. In time you will actually feel better for it!
And Devil spawn has a very good point there at the end of his answer.
C xxxxx
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (30 July 2008):
 The child has done nothing wrong so why should he/she suffer and not have a daddy just because your husband couldnt control his urges.
Yes you have been hurt and you need to work on that with your husband but to ask him to deny his child is so wrong x
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (30 July 2008):
Yes, you are wrong for giving him an ultimatum to not be in his child's life. How would you feel if you had a child together and you two broke up, then his new girlfriend or wife said that he could not longer see the child if he wanted to be with her. This is out of pure jealousy--you cannot be jealous of an innocent child that did not ask to be brought into this world. What he had with his ex is an insecurity that you will have to get over. It is very important for a child to have a father in its life. Not only this, but in the future, I think that he could have resentment toward you for giving him an ultimatum like this.
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A
male
reader, Devil Spawn +, writes (30 July 2008):
You are forgetting the child, you have no right to ask him to give up being a father, you need to be a grown up woman now and put your needs second to a child.; Just because he is in its life is not to say he is leaving you for her or anything like that.
So in short, yes you are being very very unfair. You are not a "victim" you are in a difficult situation yes but there are other women out there who are in the same siutation who are being mature about it.
You talk about the shoe on the other foot?? HOw would YOU feel if he asked you not to have anything to do with your own child?
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A
female
reader, SinfulOne +, writes (30 July 2008):
The ultimatum you've posed is not fair. It's selfish and only considers what you want in the situation. It sounds like your husband cheated and had a child as a result of the affair. I can only imagine how hurtful that is to you. What you have to remember is the child did not ask to be brought into this situation and as painful as it will be for all of you (you, your spouse, and the mistress) to come to some common ground on how this child will be raised it is something you must do. I assume you are trying to make the relationship work despite the infidelity. You can't go into the process of rebuilding a broken relationship by asking for such an outrageous sacrifice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): "The child"? Depends what child you mean. Are you talking about baby jesus here or what? If you mean /his/ child, then yeah, you could not be more selfish or in the wrong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): Sister, I do feel that you are misguided in asking him to choose between you and his child. His child didn't have a say in who would be his mother and father. So he needs love and support from both mom, and dad. I pray that you will meditate on this. The child deserves more. In Christ Love, The GabberJack!!
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