A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:(my gf and I are both about 20, have been together almost 3 years, and living together about a year)Okay, first off, my girlfriend has a bit of an... anger problem. She gets angry at things very easily, and her anger quickly goes over the top, especially if I don't immediately go into “I'm-sorry-everything-is-my-fault Mode”. When she gets angry, the only effective way to diffuse the situation before it becomes a huge blow-out is to take all the blame, and never ever disagree with her in any way.The root of a lot of the anger tension in our relationship is her extreme jealousy. I've never done anything to make her think she has reason to be jealous, but she is. I don't look at other women, and I don't want to look at other women, or anything like that, I don't even have any female friends. None the less, she feels jealous and insecure, and she imposes extremely strict rules on me: I'm not allowed to ever look at or see a female (ever if it's by accident) either directly or indirectly who is within 15 years or so of our age range, even if that person is a waiter or cashier helping us or something. And if she ever sees a person she deems to be attractive, or an advertisement or billboard or something with a person she deems attractive in it, I have to look at the ground until the person/billboard/whatever is out of sight. I want her to feel secure, so I go along with all this, even though it causes me to miss big chunks of most movies and tv shows we watch, and I spend most of the time looking at the ground when we're in public. However, I do at times get exasperated by how tedious, tiring, and time-consuming it all is, and when I show that exasperation/fatigue she gets angry at me for it. Now, I said all of that so the event I'm wondering if I'm justified in getting angry about will make sense. We were on the bus on the way home from dinner, almost at our stop. She says to me “We're getting off there”, and motions forward. I thought that she was saying that our stop is next, and she wanted me to pull the bell. The bus nears our stop and I get up (I was on the outside seat) and start to turn my body to go out the back door when she says “What are you doing?”. I realize that when she said “We're getting off there”, she meant that she wanted us to get off the front of the bus, so that I wouldn't see the female people who must have been at the back of the bus (we were sitting in the middle). I stop mid-turn, before my face is turned to the back, and head to the front of the bus. We get off, and she's angry at me already, telling me angrily how I'm so stupid because I cant follow her orders. I start out calm, but soon I'm angry too, because she wont relent in her anger and I feel like I didn't do anything other than misunderstand her. She feels like I'm wrong because it's my fault for misunderstanding, and I feel like she was over-reacting because it was an honest mistake, and no harm came of it, since I never saw who or what was at the back of the bus anyway.So we're standing on the sidewalk down the street of our apartment arguing about it. I know as it's happening that it will only get worse unless I take full blame immediately, putting aside how upset I am at what I perceive as an over-reaction. But she keeps going about how “fucking stupid” I am, and I start to get defensive, feeling like I don't deserve this over an accident. So her voice is raised, and I start raising mine too, even slightly higher than hers. Things keep escalating, and I start to say that I made an honest mistake, and “I was perfectly justified in thinking what I did”, and she cuts me off, saying that my thinking she meant pull the bell was stupid. I interject to say that I felt like it was totally reasonable to think what I did, it was just an accident, and she slaps me (her slapping, punching, or otherwise hitting me is pretty commonplace in our more heated arguments, I'm pretty used to it). I walk away a few steps, walk back, and we exchange more heated words over who's right, I interrupt her, and she slaps me again. I walk back a few steps to collect myself again, and she storms off down the sidewalk, heading to our apartment, saying “Fine, walk away”.Once we get inside, things get much worse, and now we're in the middle of this big huge fight over this little thing. She's asleep on the couch (she doesn't want to talk to me at the moment), and I'm sitting at the other end of it, writing this. I don't know if I was right for getting angry at her, or if I should have handled it in the way I know would have prevented the fight, even though it would have left me feeling like I just gave in again, taking blame and abuse I don't feel like I deserve. Also, whenever we fight, it's usually a situation like this one. It goes like this: A: Something relatively small will happen. B: She gets angry about it. C: I feel like I don't deserve the anger again. D: I “stand up for myself” and try to defend my position. E: My not reacting in the manner she wants (and the way I usually do in these situations) makes her more angry. F: Her anger makes me angry, which makes her angrier, ect, it's a vicious cycle that results in a great big fight. I don't know what to do!So,1. Was I right, or wrong, or both?2. How should I handle this in the future, how can I diffuse these situations without feeling like I'm taking abuse I don't deserve?
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her ex, insecure, jealous Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, HonningKanin  +, writes (27 April 2009):
 Hello OP,You do have a breaking point and eventually you will reach it. No matter how much you love this girl you can only take so much. My advice is to leave now and save yourself time and a lot more emotional and mental ache. Sometimes people don't change until they have lost that which they thought would always be there. And even then they might not. Some people are just emotionally unstable and no good can come of it.Like I said, you are allowing her to behave this way and she is taking for granted your placid manner. She can only help herself. You can do nothing more than what you have done, but if you wish to be with her, please stand up for yourself.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2009): it's really evident that you love her but sometimes as bad as we want something to work,it's not always in our control.you said it yourself,she's not going to change,she never will,she'll just keep physically and mentally hurting you until you decide you had enough and leave her.nonetheless,if you wait too long,you don't know just how damaged this relationship can leave you.so you really have to make a choice here:it's either her or your life.i say you go for the latter.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2009): Thanks to everyone who responded (this is the original poster). I really don't know what to do. Things are better between us right now, but I know it will go back to how it was, it always does. Things get better for a few days, and then it all reverts back. She recognizes that she has a problem, but this isn't the first time she's done that. She wants to get better but she doesn't seem to be able to get it under control by herself, and we cant afford counseling or professional help. I really don't know what to do, I love this girl, I moved to a whole new province to be with her, and I really want it to work.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2009): You said it best: it's a vicious cycle. She is a physical and emotional abuser, and as long as you put up with it, she will continue to blow up at you for smaller and smaller things because she sees that she can get away with it. Dump her and don't look back. SHE IS NO GOOD FOR YOU!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2009): You were right and i hope that your girlfrien dreads this, it will probably point out to her how much of a drama queen she is! I can't bellieve that her jealousy has gotten this out of control! She is absoloutely awful for hitting you!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2009): In my opinion, I would leave the relationship immediately. She is taking this "jealousy thing" way over the line. (My honest opinion, don't take offense) Slapping you, punching you, kicking you, is an abusive relationship. Not to talk about the emotional abusiveness she's given you. I have to say, you have to decide what you have to do. Ask yourself: Do I still love her? Do I trust her? Will I this stay for the rest of my life? Can I get along with her after we get married? Can I still take this? etc. And you may have a talk with her about this "restricting" thing. You sound like a reasonable young man, in my opinion, I think you are too good for her. (: however, if you really love her, you should have a talk with her. If she gets angry and hard to talk to. Don't hesitate to leave her. I'm Canadian.... What the hell.... Why would you move to nunavic w/e w/e region. It is so freaken cold. and the food is so expensive there. I live in Toronto, and I HATEEE our winters. @___@ It's down south too. If you are moving here... Please consider if you'll be able to adapt to the cold weather and new environment. Because there, the weather can get to as low as -60.... degrees Celsius
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male
reader, gr8Guy  +, writes (25 April 2009):
Hi there,It appears that you are obviously in love with her. This is why you keep putting up with her anger. I dont think the question is who is right and who is wrong but rather how you can manage her anger problem.By condoning her anger for a long time she is now used to the 'vicious cycle'. You may need to make up your mind on whether you want this cycle to continue. You may have to decide if the love you have for her is strong enough to stop you from looking at other women. If it is not that strong then you may need to put your foot down and ask her to stop. If she cant stop you may have to look for a healthier relationship. Definitely, this vicious cycle is bound to continue.She may need to meet a counsellor for her anger management. All the best
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female
reader, HonningKanin +, writes (25 April 2009):
I understand how obsessive both men and women can get when it comes to jealousy issues. The rules that are placed upon the one who bares the brunt of all of it if they dont comply when all they really want to do is make their significant other feel happy. The don't see it You know. They never do. Infact by you complying and backing down all the time, she feels justified in her action and that is healthy to be doing what she did. Its not. Its mentally tasking. Stern words are and logic are the only things that can break someone of such a destructive behavior that may require therapy.
I was with you, feeling sorry for both you and her up until the point you stated she hit you. STOP. When a man or women, it doesn't matter, cannot control themselves in a heated discussion they are not worth the time or day. You do not treat loved ones with the brunt of a slap. Just because she is physically weaker than you are does not make her inability to contain herself right. Her gender is not a gold card to wave infront of you with this double standard because I bet you anything the moment you ever dared touch her in that manner, she would call the cops. This is taking advantage of you and you are being mentally conditioned to accept this punishment. I would ask you to to analyse your current situation and ask yourself if you see this relationship violent and restrictive. If you say yes then you need out. You may love her, you may care for her, but if she behaves this way and you allow her to continue, she will know not what her actions really do to your heart and mind. Do not give her lisence to walk all over you and control you. You are no ones person but your own. Everyone is an island and can be an island and we do not have to live through our significant others. Its much healthier for both parties if you remain individuals with mutual respect who happen to be traveling along together.
Honestly, do you want this woman to be that life partner? Do you want that for the rest of your life?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2009): I didn't get to the bottom of the question either, and like Star guessed the rest. I agree with him and Veyron though.
There's another option - the two of you could move to Tuktoyaktuk in the Inuvic region of northern Canada. Not many movies, billboards or women walking around showing any flesh there!
She seems to have some deep-rooted psychological problem and I doubt it'll get any better unless you were suddenly struck blind - but then she'd probably be accusing you of thinking about other women instead of accusing you of looking at them. I think if I were you I'd make my excuses and leave her - then find myself a rational woman who I enjoyed being with instead of being frightened of.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2009): Dude - haven't read all your post (sorry If i missed an important bit) but read the top bit and i am guessing the rest.
Your choices are a) stay with this woman and do nothing or do something with her.
B) Leave her and find someone who will respect you and your feelings who obviously doesn't have such a bad confidenence problem.
Which choice you make is up to you - the stay with her - is only an option if you really love her and convinced that underneath that she loves loves you. In which case get her to talk and go for counselling. if she won't go - then well i would definetly go for B.
Really though you are wasting your time - go for option B.
well you say goodbye to her, she will probably beg and tell you she can change - she can't.
Go find someone who has more respect and is really really into you.
Star.x.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2009): The more I read your letter the more I agree with the first poster... this person is awfull she has a lot of issues and is abusive to those around her.. there is and will be nothing you could ever do to please her...Get out now... before she ruins your whole life... its not jealousyits controlll that is what all this is about controll over what you think, feel, do, say... Run----away.... !Also SHE IS TO NEVER HIT YOU AGAIN--- EVER, NEVER !! She has no right to hit you ...slap you punch you... any of those.. the more I read your letter the more pissed I get at her....she needs a doctor and now you will need counseling... and a new place to live where she don't know your address... cause she sounds like stalker material... good luck..
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female
reader, shna  +, writes (25 April 2009):
 ur relationship is so unhealthy she has u right under her thumb her insecurity is not your problem tell her to man up youv been together for three years she should trust you by now and if she doesnu learn to trust you , respect you and control her anger its not going to work !!! everytime she trys to argue with you from now on just walk out of the apartment dont say anything to her dont acknowledge her just walk out and this will calm u down and she also wont no what the hell your doing !!!! stop living by her rules shes not the boss of you if you see a bill board you have a fucking right to look at it she has no right to tell you what to do and what not to do !!!! if i ever triend to be like that with my boyfriend or my boyfriend tried to tell me what to do . . i think both of us would say gud luck to each otheri personally think you deserve better then her ditch her
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2009): 1.u were/are right and 2.it's really simple:this woman needs a. a stray jacket and b.a royal suite in the looney bin.DUMP HER NOW before her madness-literally-destroys your life.you're a great guy who deserves SO much better and she's a crazy bitch who needs a psychiatrist.pronto.
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