A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:It has been a month since I found out my husband was having an affair (he didn't tell me, I found out). After a lot of talking, I've taken him back (he agreed not to have anything to do with her again)and we have been to counselling and that seems to be going ok. On Monday, I asked him whether he had received any calls or text from the other woman, he told me no but the way he answered it made me suspicious so I asked again more forcefully this time whether he had heard from her. As it turns out, he did. I got angry as we had many discussions regarding being open an honest with each other in order for us to move forward. And for me to start trusting him again. I also told him that if she contacted him again I needed to know. He understood where I was coming from and said he didn't text back (I checked the phone record and he hadn't). He also said not to worry as it was only a blank one.This was 4 days ago. I have just found out that he has receeved about 4 more messages since then (through other sources) and the so called "blank message" was not blank at all.Am I wasting my time with this man? I confronted him about this and he got very angry but didn't deny that he did get messages from her. Why would he not tell me if he knew how important it was to be open and honest? Am I overreacting?
View related questions:
affair, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2010): As yet your husband has not had the courage to wean himself off this woman. When you strip the bed to do the washing pick up his phone (make sure it is turned on) and put it in the sheets and into the washing machine, then turn the washing machine to the longest cycle. To give those sheets a thorough wash in hot water, plenty of suds. First he will not be able to find his phone. Second when the phone is found the phone and the Sim card should be ruined. That should fix things for the Christmas break. If you can, find out how many email accounts he has. (gmail yahoo hotmail etc) and insist he delete all except one - one you have the password to as well. If he is genuine then such a change should not bother him.There was a man at work, now aged 60 who was having an emotional affair with a very sassy glamourous 28 year old. She was forever draped over his desk seeking ''work???'' advice. (Except work advice does not have to be whispered). She would go to pre work coffee with him, and to lunch with him every day. He would fix up all manner of little problems for her. He was flattered by her attention and she was constantly monopolising his attention at work. His wife got wind of it and booked a 6 week overseas tour for the her and her husband as a 60th birthday surprise. The day he had to tell the 28 year old he would be away 6 weeks she was crying at work as if there had been a death in the family. He went on the cruise. Revitalised the marriage. The 28 yr old went to pieces and resigned before he came back. I honestly think the 28 yr old thought she cd have him. But the wife was made of sterner stuff. Good luck
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 December 2010):
 I'm so sorry. At least now you know for sure that he isn't a "keeper". Honestly, his "mistress" and him are a perfect fit. Both lacking in the morals department.. Won't be long before he cheats on her.. or she on him.. After all, he may not be so much of a catch when he's divorced..
Look after yourself and good riddance to that loser!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): He is a cheater....plain and simple and he will continue to cheat. He isn't going to let go of this other woman anytime soon it seems.....
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): good for you on kicking him out of your life. you are right he has to want to save the marriage, otherwise it's pointless for you to be running around trying to protect your marriage from the mistress. It is not your responsibility to end your husband's affair, it is his responsibility and his only. clearly he has shown where he stands with regards to your marriage, so now you show where you stand, and get him out of your life.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): You said it hun, he is a dirtbag. Get rid of this scum asap. That will be the best Xmas present u gave to yourself.
LoveGirl
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionListen up everyone, you are going to love this update. While I was trying to work things out with my husband (texts from Mistress and being kept from me), we had a night apart as he was going to a friends do (which I couldn't go to as I was a bit too emotional and couldn't play nice family) he bought a phone at some point and proceeded to get in contact with her. Phone calls and texts, lots of them...And lied about them. Is there a school that cheaters go to to learn how to really f*ck up their partners life? I can't believe it, we had been going to counselling and made me believe we had a chance and we was still in contact with her. It is obviously over, I am just a bit flabbergasted...I don't understand how people can cheat and lie so easily.
P.S. Many thanks for your input. I know it is a long road from here. I feel for our son but I know I am doing the right thing getting rid of this dirtbag.
...............................
A
female
reader, help now  +, writes (18 December 2010):
No you are not overreacting!!. This man is lying to you and you have every right to be upset. I am going through the same thing except my husband is leaving me for this woman who was my best friend. He has to be honest with you and tell you weather or not he wants to continue with the marrige. You need to know so you can act accordingly. My advice check you cell phone bill and see how many times they have texted eachother since then. If he cant' stay away then there is your answer. I have been there so I know how hard this is. My life has come apart after 20 years of marrige so believe me I totally understand what you are going through. Have faith and do what you have to do. No one is in your shoes and no one can tell you what to do. Only you know what the next step is. All I know is once a cheeter always a cheeter and that is true.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Honeypie, I have asked him to change his number but he has not. I would do this but I figure if he really wants to work at our relationship, he would do this, without me making him...I just don't think he wants to let go of her.I want to find the strenght to let go of the hurt and pain and of him. I still love him but I don't think we have any future if he doesn't let go of her and still continues to keep things from me, in regards to her that is.We've been together 12 years. I don't even know where to begin.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 December 2010):
You say you need the strength to let go.
Let go of him? or let go of the hurt and drama that was sent your way?
Sit down and figure out what he can do to regain your trust. Maybe start with him getting a new phone number/ e-mail addy. He has no reason to talk to her, but obviously he is not telling her to go get lost, fly a kite. So a new number would make life easier.
It takes time to regain/rebuild trust. It's a work in progress for sure. BUT it only works if the BOTH of you put in an effort. At some point in time you will be able to forgive him and move on, but.... you need to realize that it will take time. Accept that. You will know when you get to that point, trust me. And once you forgive, the subject is closed and put away. This is not something you can hurry along either, it takes the time it takes.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): Well 2 can play the same game. If she still does not respect your marriage and the fact that your hb is a married man, u just be in her face until she does.
If your hb has any contact with her then he will revert to his old cheating ways.
It is utter bull to suggest that he can still be in contact with her. If she wants to continue as a skank then she needs to get through you.
What I have noticed is that wives are just expected to roll over and play dead for their husbands other women. If more wives were proactive and firm much more marriages can and will be saved.
Your hb needs to make decisions that will depict the outcome of his marriage. If he still CHOSES to cheat then get rid of him.
LoveGirl
...............................
A
male
reader, steph007  +, writes (17 December 2010):
That is 100% okay if you want him to stop the affair and the cheating. But, I think, it is too much to forbid him to have any contact to that girl.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thank you everyone for your words. I did confront the woman and asked her what she wanted, she didn't really come out and say...I did also tell her to leave us alone. A text was sent to her to not call, sms or email anymore but she obviously doesn't care. I am of the view that if he is not doing anything to encourage her, she would not contact him anymore. And also, if he isn't doing anything wrong as such, why keep the text messages from me.
I need to find the strenght to let go I think. I just don't know how? Any suggestions?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): You are wasting your time. It's clear that he does not want to stop seeing her or being in contact with you.
Many men don't want to give up their affairs. But they don't want to give up the marriage either for various reasons (because of kids, money, security, stability...) Thus when the wife finds out about the affair and "makes" the husband give it up, he only does it enough to make it seem like he really has given up the affair.
You can't force someone to STOP doing something that they really want to do. it's clear he doesn't want to really stop, he only wants to stop it enough to get you off his back so he can remain in the marriage and not have to give up whatever he's getting from your marriage.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life monitoring him like a prison guard? Trying to stay one step ahead of him, or just worrying constantly? what kind of life is that going to be for you?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): It could be that he has let go of her but she can't let go of him and keeps texting. You need to ask him about this and see whether you are prepared to trust him.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): It is up to you...I will not say "once a cheater always a cheater" because, change is constant and anyone can change...even a cheater. You have to find out what led your husband to cheating to begin with....people cheat for diff. reasons, they get bored, lack of affection from they're spouse or sig. other, insecurity, jealousy, wanting to fit in, they like the thrill of not thinking they can get caught, they truly think they have fallen in love for someone else they believe is they're match, they are cheating out of revenge because, they're spouse or sig. other cheated on them, they just don't care about the relationship or the other person anymore, because, the other person allows them to get away with any and everything as they know they will be taken back at a moments notice and not have to prove themselves...I mean there are a host of reasons why he could have cheated.
If you wish to work things out with your husband, don't make it so easy for him this time around...if he is truly sorry, he needs to show you with his actions, not his words, that he is serious about not cheating again, that he has stopped all contact with that woman or any other woman, and that he is totally serious about gaining your trust again...it is that simple and it can't be any other way.
Also, you don't want to be "too nice" distance yourself a bit but don't turn into a total jerk you know? Don't try to seek revenge, because, that will not make you feel any better about what your husband did and just say if he does get serious about being faithful to you and he finds out you cheated out of revenge....he will cheat again and so will you and then it will become a cycle of cheating and lying just to get back at each other.....a road you do not want to go down.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): Having been there and experienced exactly what you are going through twice I do not think that you are able to trust him. My husband would say he had had no contact at all with the woman he was having an affair with but I found out that he had saved her number under a man's name and was openly contacting her on a different phone that i knew nothing about as well.
This lady does appear to be doing all the running but there would be a limit to the number of times she would try contacting him unless she was getting a response. My view is once a cheater always a cheater and I have found this to be true in every case.
...............................
A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (16 December 2010):
 If a man cheats and is genuinely sorry for what he did, he wouldn't be mad at you for questioning whether he's still in contact with the other woman. The fact that he's mad at you means he still doesn't understand the severity of what he did. If anything it sounds like he's more mad that he got caught than being sorry for what he did to you.
This entire thing shows a general lack of respect for you. As a wife, as a woman and as a person. THAT is what you are looking to get back from him... his respect. And so far you haven't. THAT is what is bothering you. And unfortunately your relationship cannot work until he starts respecting you again.
He needs to realize that he hurt you and he needs to be willing to do whatever it takes to make you trust him again. So, the question that needs to be asked is "Will he ever be to that point?". If he never respects you, should you stay with him?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): Why not take a direct approach anyway: contact the Other woman and Tell her to stay the hell away from your hb. Women who do noit respect marriages need to be taught a lesson. What do u have to lose anyway??LoveGirl
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): It seems 'she' is the one trying to contact him. Not the other way around. If he doesn't get in touch with her may be things are ok. So let things settle. If he slips up again that should be it. I wouldn't feel you have to watch him like a hawk, do you want that sort of life? It would make you constantly suspicious and on edge. You are giving him a chance. Make it clear he's in the last chance saloon - if he wants to blow it then, that's up to him, call time in that case.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 December 2010):
Ask him that question. MAKE him see that he needs to be responsible for his actions.
YOU are NOT his mother and shouldn't have to "scold" the truth out of him, nor should you have to check up on him (not that I blame you, but that is what I would tell him).
The question is... do YOU want to stick it out with him? Or are you done?
It's only been a month, so it will take a long time for you to be able to trust him again, and to truly forgive him. Personally, I'd say if you want to stick it out, make him an ultimatum and stick to it. HE needs to be as committed to working this out as you are. After all... HE MADE THE MESS!
PS. He got mad because he got caught red handed. No one likes being found out doing something we shouldn't. But getting angry at you is just plain wrong.
Good luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, CJH  +, writes (16 December 2010):
 If you cant trust him whats the point?
Hes already dumped on you by having this affair in the first place and of course you were right to try again. Given what youve said about these texts though and his obvious reluctance to be completely honest, I`d say youre wasting your time and energy on this guy.
Sure its a marriage which deserves to be saved if at all possible but honesty and respect are paramount and so far, your husband has shown you none at all.
It may hurt like hell and you may wonder if youre going to regret it for ever but seriously, you need to walk away and leave him to his texts and his lies.
Somewhere along the line there may well be a chance for you two but right now you need to insist on honesty and the only way thats going to happen is if your old man realises he`s about to lose you.
Tell him youve had enough and show him the door. See what his reaction is. If he protests its up to you to decide if you can trust him but I think you know the answer to that already dont you?
He`s a cheat and a liar - you deserve much more than that.
...............................
|
