A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:About 6 years ago, I met someone at a festival. We hit it off, and became good friends. Nothing untoward and beyond friendship occurred at that time.We've gone to that same festival together every year since, and we meet up outside of it and keep in near-daily contact with the magical aid of the internet.As you can probably guess, my feelings have changed from friendship into love. I first realised this about two years ago, and went into denial; I liked our friendship too much to want to damage it, and for me, ignoring some twinges of the heart can easily be done, especially if they are apparently not returned.However, a long discussion about a month ago (Just after the last time we saw each other face to face), revealed that they've been feeling confused about they feel too, and for a similar ammount of time. Long story short, we both broke down and admitted our feelings to each other and that we both were in denial.While this has not damaged out friendship, there is of course a problem: Both of us are with other people.I've been with my partner for over 11 years now, and my friend has been with theirs for 5.My feelings towards my partner have not changed; I love them, I have no desire to leave them at all. They know my friend exists (Hard not to, really), and quite like them, as far as I can tell (though the two of them have never met face to face).My friend's feelings towards their partner have not changed either, and they are considering having children together.Love is a precious thing to find, but this situation is beginning to hurt me. I love my friend and my partner, but i'm worried that I will start feeling torn between them soon. I don't want to hurt anybody in this tangled web, but I and my friend are worried that we might cross a boundary and wind up hurting everyone involved (Although thus far in our friendship, nothing physical beyond hugs has happened, which I think is good).I don't know what to do, or if there is anything that can be done. Going back into denial now seems like it would just be cruel and ineffective, but it might be better than potentially hurting two other people who don't deserve it.?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2015): Glad to hear that. keep us updated.
ps: I'm only re-posting because I fear you've misunderstood me.
"UNDER hardship" does not only mean she providing you moral support and you providing it to her. You can find that in other, really close friends too.
What I meant was actually that you haven't got through difficulties together,i.e. not in a ROMANTIC kinda way.
The little disagreements/arguments with your partner from time to time, the adjustment of two personalities to one another.
In my opinion, this can NOT truly happen in any friendship. Even a friendship of the closest kind, because you have those things called "honeymoon period" etc. etc.
Until that wears off in a ROMANTIC way, you don't really have a true representation of that person as a partner.
And I'll re-iterate what I said abut a clean break. Somebody will get hurt either way. You only have to choose who.
Glad to hear you've made a choice and I hope you stick to it!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPerhaps it is and I am. But getting some straight talking is exactly why I came here, so again, thank you.
I'm not trying to turn anyone to anything, I just want to hurt the fewest number of people in a situation where some hurt seems inevitable.
So i'll try to cut myself off from my friend. I'll let you know how that goes.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 April 2015):
 WiseOwlE is SO right.
So, you do not believe in a possessive love... f; and what about your partner ?.... Do " they " believe in possessive love, and will they be forced to adopt another view of love...without even knowing it ?...
Do they believe in polyamoury ? ... Doesn't polyamoury imply that ALL the persons involved in the relationship are happy with it ? What about your friend / crush 's partner ? Are " they " going too to be turned into polyamorous - whether they like it or not ?...
I call poly-BS here . You are having some emotional affair just waiting to be turned into physical, i.e. you are cheating and waiting to cheat some more. Your choice , of course, and not a criminal offense either . But at least see if you can dispose of the intellectual and cultural excuses. Yours is not the embracing a different, more enlightened way to love. It is STILL garden variety, run of the mill cheating.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2015): [EDIT]: "You point is, you're giving up neither. Fine!"
CORRECTION: "Your point is, you're giving up neither. Fine!"
Sorry!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2015): You are absolutely correct that you can be in-love with more than one individual; but your present relationship is based on a monogamous-commitment. It's not poly-amorous, unless all involved are willing participants.
You imply your current relationship is based strictly on the condition of monogamy. So now I see it's all about you.
If your current partner doesn't agree to allow someone else in; or have full-knowledge of your poly-amorous connection with a third party...you're cheating.
I thought your worries were derived from a genuine concern about how your feelings for someone else will falter your feelings for your long-term partner? If you already had a ready-set-go response to your own question; exactly what is the point of your post?
If you intend to carry on a simultaneous romantic-relationship unbeknownst to your current partner? That's cheating.
You can make it sound as cerebral and intellectual as you like. You're trying to justify having your cake and to eat it too. When this triangle is discovered, you will likely lose your current partner. Not to mention the fact you will hurt your partner as well.
You point is, you're giving up neither. Fine!
It is apparent it's all about you, and you don't care about how it will affect your partner's feelings. There's always some lame excuse for cheating. Your rationalization is certainly articulate and creative; but as lame and as hollow as any other cheater's excuse.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy thanks, dear strangers, for your words.I don't really have much of a choice but to accept polyamoury in this situation; it feels real to me, and I know enough people who feel it is real too to beleive that it is as well. It being polyagony, well, I won't argue that it can be that as well. I can't deny the importance of my friend to me, but I will deny that I can only truly love one person.However, love, to me, does not have to be posessive; I have been content to love my friend from afar until our mutual revelation, and now i've had some time to settle myself, I am perhaps able to continue that way. We've resisted the attraction before, all that is different now is that we know it is reciprocated. I won't deny that that will make things more difficult, but really doubt we'll actually do anything. (But it's easy to say that)Cutting off contact with my friend is not something I could do easily or willingly, and it's not as simple as it may sound. In the time we have known each other we have become close in ways I am hesitant to explain, even with the anonymnity here. However;They have helped me through one of the darkest periods of my life (Accepting and dealing with sexual abuse from many years ago (Yes, my partner does know and did help me with that, and much more too)). I have helped them deal with abuse of a similar nature (more emotional than physical). We're hardly fair-weather-friends for each other.We help each other deal with our various medical problems too. and more besides.Where we started is not where the friendship finishes.We're tangled up in each other's life too much to make the break clean; we're good friends with each others families, never mind the crew we have come to gather with for festivals (Who kind of hold us as the leaders of the group, for reasons that are beyond me). Giving up my friend would be giving up a huge part of my life, because in order to make it even close to clean, i'd wind up cutting off 30 or more people. Can hurting all of them like that be justified too? Especially if they don't get a real explanation (as might well happen here, to save my friend extra heartache when the story gets back to their partner).If we can come to love each other more as family than anything else, perhaps we could have the best of both worlds. But we shall have to wait and see for now.Oh, and as for the odd use of pronouns, that's just a quirk of mine. I'm suppose i'm actually classified as pansexual, since it's not the gender that matters to me, but the person.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2015): I refuse to accept that our hearts are so small that there is place only for "one" love in a lifetime.
That's why they always say, after a break-up, "don't worry, you'll findx,y,z. Plenty of fish in the sea." And it is normally true.
There IS plenty of people that we COULD PotentiallY be happy with.
What it requires is two people working hard and resolving arguments amicably and being COMMITTED to each other.
11 years you say? So you either started dating when you were 15-18??
Quite young. Unformed minds yet. You grew up together. You did NOT outgrow each other in this time.
You simply grew together and I get how leaving one love for another (leaving all the history behind etc. and all the future! You've planned for things together surely! Though funnily enough you only mention the future plans that will be ruined on HER side-the having of children etc.)
I urge you to think NOT ONLY of the past you'll be giving up BUT of the future too.
You like this friend, ok,fair enough. You've known her long enough too.
BUT you have not KNOWN her UNDER hardship. Under the turbulences of life.
You have known her (and she you) only in the most carefree, happy of circumstances- that's even how your friendship started.
I ask you to consider this-when it starts raining on your parade, will she run for cover somewhere else or will you be able to dance in the rain together?
You know the answer. Deep in your heart you know.
Either make a clean break with your partner to explore this new opportunity if it is so tempting (even if in the end she does not leave the other guy) OR make a clean break from her.
Explain that now that you know you both have feelings for each other, you can no longer ignore them and you do not want to emotionally cheat on your partner.
Thus the contact has to be ceased and you can find someone new to go to festivals with. Or go to another festival with your partner.
Let us know how you get on and what you decide. Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2015): It's actually really easy.
Stop talking to your friend. Deliver yourself from temptation.
Unless you don't love your partner anymore cutting ties with Tue friend is Tue only tying to do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2015): I note your odd use of pronouns, and I sense you are a gay man. Being careful to avoid using any reference to gender.
It is often possible to have friends that possess certain traits and qualities we are very much attracted to. The unfortunate part is; there may be things we need where our partners are deficient. Close friends may share many things in-common. Stuff that our partners may not seem to have the slightest interest.
If you truly love your partner, and you are faithful; you will resist any stray feelings toward your friend. Often, that's how cheating starts with people. The common lame excuse is that they couldn't help themselves. They were caught-up in a moment, or the feelings were just to over-whelming. Bull!
Sometimes you have to honor the trust and commitment you form with the person you love. Even if you have to make a personal sacrifice. That proves just how real that love you already have, is. The other may only be a crush for the other person. Rebound-feelings brought on by an emotional deficiency in your relationship that requires attention. You may be contemplating actions, that are not worth losing what you already have.
Feelings include sexual-attraction. Sometimes that is mainly the drive behind the attraction. People want to make it seem more innocent; so they try to claim it to be purely emotional. Well, sex always finds its way in there somewhere. Thus, you assured us no boundaries were crossed.
You have crossed boundaries the minute you make your feelings known to the other person. Guilt by implication; even if you never utter the words, but demonstrate your feelings by your actions. You both have someone. So keep your zippers up.
If you find holding back getting difficult. Then base your self-control and restraint on how much you love your partner. You will always face the challenges of temptation and stray-attraction to others. That is what commitment and love is all about. All relationships face infidelity. It's the challenge that seems to be the most repetitive, and the most intense.
Proving that you can resist others, and be loyal to the chosen-one is a test of character. You just may be spending too much of your spare time with your friend, and not enough with your partner. You may have some things lacking in your relationship that you and your partner need to work on together. This maybe necessary in order to readjust your feelings back to where they should be directed.
If there is anything missing, the ability to communicate our feelings is what sets us above all the lower species. S/he can't supply what you need, if they don't know what you are missing. If you turn to others instead, then it's your fault it was never corrected. All you have to do is say something. If they never try; then you have cause to leave them, before finding someone else to get what you need.
No lines have been crossed. Good! Keep it that way. Don't let your imagination runaway with you. It will delve in uncharted territory based on curiosity. You haven't been with other people for a long-time, and may find this all intriguing. This is a test of loyalty, trust, and the extent of your love. Can you pass the test?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 April 2015):
 In my twenties I wonder if we could love more than one person too. We could love people as human beings but to be in love with them, we only want to be with one and to spend as much time with that person as possible. We grow and realize to attempt polyamory is impractical and it will only be prolonging polyagony. We should be able to freely love one another but as you said, not wanting our partners to get hurt is the major reason we don't cross boundaries and why monogamy still prevails. We have only so much time in our lives and it's best to spend it with loved one not ones if you want your only partner to feel precious and special. It's not about denial. It's about being truthful to your partner and to accept you can only love one person.
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