A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Three years ago, my father brought a man over to the house who he introduced to us as his colleague from work. He is 20 years younger than my dad making him now 35 and 15 years older than me. In present time, I'm actually about to turn 21 the end of this month/year, so the guy is technically only 14 years older than me. Anyways...When we were first introduced, unfortunately I was wearing my summer attire: Freakishly short shorts and a VERY lot cut tank top. The man took one look at me and blushed hard core... and I had JUST turned 18. He was 32 at the time.After dinner and after my dad conversed with him about work and what not, he and I sat on the front porch for quite some time and talked about everything and anything.I found out he was once married for two years back in his early 20s and had a son who died during labor. His ex-wife blamed him for it and divorced him. He hasn't talked to that woman since.I told about him how I'd JUST graduated from high school and turned 18 two weeks prior and was very much looking forward to college in the fall. Of course he asked me where I was going for school and I told him the state's university.We got into that and he told me that such a beautiful girl like me will sure to get some action in my years of college. I blushed and told him not to be silly. That I hadn't even kissed a guy, yet. He was dumbfounded and asked if he could be my first kiss. I said yes and we kissed.It wasn't just a peck on the lips, either. It was passionate with our tongues thrashing about and he felt my breasts over my shirt. It felt like my thighs were on fire!After that, we continued to see each other throughout the summer without my dad finding out. My mom was actually very open to it because she also married an older man (my father).1.5 months into it, the man took my virginity and he said he'd never felt like more of a man than he did right then. I asked him why that was and he said because I'm the most beautiful woman he'd ever had sex with.Fast forward three years and I'm now half-way through my junior year of college and he's been taking me out drinking since I turned 20 (I know, a year too early, but whatevs). We've had the most wild and crazy and passionate sex I could have imagined and he said he can't wait for me to graduate college so he can ask my dad for my hand in marriage.This relationship is amazing and I CAN see myself being this man's wife and bearing his children. My father has since accepted the relationship for what it is and my mother and brother couldn't be happier for me. Only problem is: Am I too young for this guy? I've never been with anyone but him; am I missing out on something?Please help... I feel as though I'm about to be trapped.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2010): From what you say, you are happy with this man and he wants to make it permanent. So I wonder why you are hesitating?
You are 20 and he is 35. When you are 60 he will be 75. Think about this aspect. Also, how long has your Dad known him, and how well?
Apart from that, it sounds fine. As you say, your mother married someone older and it worked for her.
A
male
reader, soon567 +, writes (6 December 2010):
I marred my wife when I was 25 and she was 21 and yes there are those feelings of hesitation in all of us. I think it’s normal when you going straight ahead and wonder if this is the right person. I think anyone that’s tells you any different is either lying or never been in the position to know.
“Am I too young for this guy?” This could only be answer by you and no one else. If you too are together and you feel uncomfortable then you need to tell him and walk away. You cannot live your life worrying about what other may think or say. You make that judgment and answer it. Are you too young for him?
“I've never been with anyone but him; am I missing out on something?” what will you be missing out on. I was married, I and my wife never change what or how we lived until we decided to have a child. We still went to clubs, ate out, went with friends, so what would you be missing out on?
“Please help... I feel as though I'm about to be trapped.” I think people are picking up on this as reluctant or being pushed into something you’re not sure about. I think you feel as if you married this guy a better one will come soon after. That may or may not be true. The grass is not always greener on the other side. Actually I think you may want to read over dear cupid and see what you’re holding out for; it may clear up your choices.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): Things seem too good to be true, I must unfortunately say. That must be why you feel as though you're about to be trapped.
DO. NOT. MARRY. THIS. MAN. BECAUSE. OF. PRESSURE. FROM. EVERYONE. ELSE. I wish I had larger caps to say this with. DON'T DO IT DON'T DO IT DON'T DO IT if something doesn't feel right because most likely, something isn't.
You are young...reevaluate this relationship with him and go from there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): Can I point something out that you don't seem to be aware of. He is always going to be older than you. And you won't be gaining on him as you age. If you are 15 years younger when you met him, you will be 15 years younger forever.
I don't know why you feel compelled to keep telling you that how far apart your ages were in the beginning. And retell us how far apart your ages are now. But it makes me think you are not as sure about this relationship as you want us to believe.
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A
female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (5 December 2010):
 I have to say I was leaning toward sayin go for it until I read your very last line...."Please help... I feel as though I'm about to be trapped."
Something about that line sets off alarm bells in my mind....
Only you know your heart but some space now to experience a few things and make sure is a hell of a lot better than a divorce later...
Only you can know your heart ... Follow it.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (5 December 2010):
 I can see no problem whatsoever. I can even see him asking you to come along and choose an engagement ring now. Talk to him about rings and watch his reaction. And I cannot see that he has to ask for your father's permission to marry. That should not be a deal breaker when you are both adults able to make those decisions. It is more a sweet courtesy of him to speak to your father.
It sounds like a thoroughly romantic meant to be relationship to me.
My best friend was 21 when she met her man. But she was scared of the age gap, even though her parents liked him, and they broke up. But they got back together and she was 30 when she married her man and they are very happy. She regrets that she missed out on 8 years she lived without him, between 22 and 30, as he is her true love. She is now 38 and he is 60 and they have two wonderful children
now. It was meant to be. As I think you and your man are meant to be. I shall cross my fingers for your happiness.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): "Am I too young for this guy?"
Yes and no. Don't take this the wrong way, while you may be an adult you're not yet a woman. Most posters here will tell you we don't mature into the adults we will be for the rest of our lives, until roughly our mid 20's. You see the early 20's are a time of transition from teenager into adulthood and it's a time when we as people are still only experimenting with being an adult. Our first time moving out of home, our first adult relationships, our time of properly choosing and working on our independence from our parents.
Now you're already talking about feeling trapped. That's because you're not actually going to experience any of those things. You've gone from being in school to a full time long term relationship with a guy who is settled and old enough to be your father. You've already talked about plans to get married. Essentially you gone from being dependent on your parents to being dependent on a 35 year old without any independence in between. I mean as soon as you leave college you don't have big wide world to discover you're constrained by what your partner wants and he wants to be settled. You won't be able to explore the world as an independent adult, what he's proposing is to leave college and get a job, get married and have kids. Now this could be exactly what you want it might turn out perfectly for you.
But the next 2-3 years in college will be the difference. It will give you a taste of freedom and whether you want more or less of it when you're finished is going to be the key to the future of this relationship. Plus as is my experience and the experience of others I know in these kinds of relationships, the younger partner grows out of the relationship. You see you will grow and change a lot in the next few years not to sound condescending so please don't take it that way but you're still very immature, I don't mean your personality, I mean in the sense of experience in life. You're very much only at the beginning of your adult life and you will want to experience and try out everything you can but you won't be able to do a lot of that, because he's already planning for you to settle down straight out of college.
None of this means that you won't stay with him and you won't have a nice long happy future together it just means you're sacrificing your freedom very early and restricting what you can and can't do. Now it doesn't matter whether he would allow you to do all these things, things like moving to Europe for a year to work or backpacking around Australia for example, but you won't want to as you'll miss him. They're just examples of course perhaps you never want travel.
But basically what you're talking about is being with one guy for the rest of your life. Never having dated anyone else as an adult. Never having lived on your own outside of college. Going from your parents home and school, to college and then into the marital home.
"I've never been with anyone but him; am I missing out on something?" Only you can decide that, only you will know that for sure. Everyone is different.
But if I had a choice of going back and living my life the way I did, or being in one and only one relationship ever from school, to college to marriage. Then I'm definitely glad I lived on mainland Europe for 3 years, backpacked around Asia for another year. Lived in England for a while. lived free in my own apartment. Spent years working and partying with my friends in different cities and countries, sowed my wild oats. Dated a few, had a few girlfriends, long term/short term, one night stands, threesomes, orgies, different sexual partners and relationships, different nationalities. Basically I'm glad I got to experience life as an independent adult before I settled down.
From your age to my mid 20's were a magical time of self discovery and discovering the world, something which I would not have been able to do had I been married to someone at that time.
That's just me though, you might like the idea of going from college to settled into domesticity straight away with a man who is ready to settle and has already done all of those things, even been married before and had multiple sexual partners. He's experienced all this and is ready to settle. Perhaps you won't want any of these things in life and perhaps you only want to be his wife in the future. If so i wish you luck.
But give yourself time, you will change a lot in the next coming years, your needs, wants and desires will all evolve and perhaps settling down without experiencing any freedom at all as an adult is something you just can't see yourself doing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): I am 15 years younger than my fiance, i am 21. Being with an older man is amazing. They know what they want and there is so drama. He does need to realise that you are still young and that you might wanna go out with your friends and not be ready for kids yet. As long as you both feel comfortable, i wish you all the luck :)
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (5 December 2010):
 Oh boy. You are very young and this is your first relationship so it's unsurprising that you're looking around and wondering if there's more out there.
I guess you just have to be honest and listen to your heart. I see in your question you didn't mention that you love him. He takes care of you, you have great sex, but I don't see anything about love and touching your heart and things like that. A relationship can be good but doesn't necessarily fill all your needs, and it could be that you're not feeling the real emotional connection that true love brings. Kind of a "I love you but I'm not in love with you" type of situation, where you really care about the other person but the heart to heart connection is not there.
Of course, we can't determine that from here. So yes, listen to your heart and follow it.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (5 December 2010):
 For now, you should both be content with the relationship. Children should come later when you are both sure of things. He may be ready but he has to respect that you are still unsure.
Whilst there is generally nothing wrong with this relationship, the biggest problem relationships with large age differences have is phases. He is ready to settle down, he is ready to be more and you are practically still a nascent adult and there are bound to be some things you still wish to do, aspects of life you wish to explore without worrying about children. If he can respect your wishes and let you feel comfortable before pushing this relationship along, you two can live a good life together.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, juce +, writes (5 December 2010):
Hey! I wont say that you are missing out on something but you are missing out on experience. Your bf has this experience because he has been married and has other relationships. I am 31 and have been with my husband since I was 16...yeah half my life. He was the same age and we learned or experiences with each other. Now we are seperated because we didnt know how to communicate correctly..or life together has been tough but us not knowing how to deal with each other made it worse. I want you to ask yourself if your bf knows how to deal with you and calm you when you are upset? Is he the person you think of when you need help? Forget all that stuff about dreaming and missing him...can you depend on hm to help you grow emotionally and mentaly? Good luck to you!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): Hey! I wont say that you are missing out on something but you are missing out on experience. Your bf has this experience because he has been married and has other relationships. I am 31 and have been with my husband since I was 16...yeah half my life. He was the same age and we learned or experiences with each other. Now we are seperated because we didnt know how to communicate correctly..or life together has been tough but us not knowing how to deal with each other made it worse. I want you to ask yourself if your bf knows how to deal with you and calm you when you are upset? Is he the person you think of when you need help? Forget all that stuff about dreaming and missing him...can you depend on hm to help you grow emotionally and mentaly? Good luck to you!!
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