A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Please don't be nasty with your replies but I would like to know the chances of finding someone who;1. Hasn't got much of an interest in porn when in a relationship2. Hasn't had a one night stand or a friend with benefits 3. Doesn't seek casual sex4. Doesn't really have an obsession with perfect looking womenI've noticed there's a lot of men looking for casual sex, I don't like those type of men.
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friend with benefits, one night stand, porn Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (18 February 2014):
There are very few men I know who wont take casual sex when it is offered to them easily by at least reasonably attractive women.
That said, I know plenty of guys who can stay completely faithful when partnered with the right woman.
These are not mutually exclusive notions.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2014): Thank you for your answers, my first bf was a porn addict then the guy after him cheated on me with a 15 year old girl and more. My luck will change one day.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2014): 1. Depends what you mean. Don't say "too much of a..." if you really mean you don't want him to be interested in it at all. Most guys aren't obsessed with it, even while single. Finding a guy who uses it the odd time is easy. The ones who are addicted are as rare as those who have never used it.
2. That won't be too hard either. Plenty of guys who have only had sex with girlfriends or not at all. I wonder why you have that condition though, OP. If you think it'll make the guy less likely to use you for casual sex or less likely to cheat then you're wrong. There's no correlation at all. Depending on why you feel that's important you may well be a bit too restrictive on yourself and may miss out on great men because they had a one night stand.
3. Again there are plenty like that, but it's up to you to make sure that's the case before you sleep with them. So you'd be best advised waiting until you're in an official relationship before you put out. Otherwise guys only interested in sex will just lie about it.
4. That one is very easy. I've never met a man with such an obsession and I'm mid-30's.
OP forgive me but your conditions sound like they come from a position of insecurity.
I mean it's a bit unrealistic to assume that men have some kind of obsession with the perfect looking woman. That's just simply not the case, except perhaps for some mentally deranged types. You shouldn't be worried about men not thinking you're the perfect woman, you should be more focussed on whether the guy is perfect for you, not what they think of you. You should be confident and secure enough to know that if a guy is with you then it's because he likes you and you just need to learn the right ways of gauging that kind of thing.
If you don't want a guy only after casual sex, just keep sex and intimacy out of the equation until you're official. It does rule out a lot of genuine guys too, but it's the only sure fire way of not being caught out.
If you're not fine with porn at all then make sure he's not the type who uses it at all. If you're okay with it in moderation just make sure you let the guy know that and to keep it out of your face.
Most importantly though, OP, your conditions are perfectly fine, we all have our conditions. I don't date people who have cheated, that pretty much removes 50% of all women from my dating pool. I don't date damaged goods (women who stayed with an abusive ex) so that removes about 20% more on top of that. I also don't date feminists, vegetarians, vegans, women obsessed with their weight, women who wear too much make-up or won't leave the house with some on, morbidly obese women, women who are underweight, bossy women, liars, gold diggers, party girls, homophobes, snobs, women who demand the man pay for the dates, women who don't like video games, women who are just out of relationships, women who don't treat animals well, women who are religious the list goes on. As you can imagine those conditions really do limit my dating pool quite significantly but I've never had trouble finding a woman and my wife meets all those conditions and I've even developed new ones through qualities she has that I didn't mattered but now do.
The most important of all though, OP, I too am true to those conditions. I've never cheated, I'm not a homophobe nor a gold digger. You have to also live by your own conditions. If you've had a one night stand then it's hardly fair you demand they haven't, plus a guy who sees things the way you do won't like that either.
OP it's pointless having conditions you need met if you don't date the right way to fulfil those. It's more up to you to ensure you date that type of guy by acting the right way than it is for them to be that way. There's no point saying you don't want a guy who does casual sex if you end up sleeping with him outside of a relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2014): I did actually find a guy whose only crime was porn, he liked it too much, shame really, he was as clean as a whistle.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2014): Men who are not into casual sex aren't very rare. They are just shamed into silence about it.
The pressure against admitting it comes from women as much as men, maybe even more. Guys who say they don't do casual sex get called things like cute, admirable, safe . . all of which can be a one way ticket to the Friend Zone.
The pressure gets much worse when this kind of guy says he is looking for a girl with just as clean a history. Then his cute little moral values start making promiscuous women feel (insecure) and they start (judging him) for it.
Men who don't look at porn at all are hard to find although they do exist. Its easier if you just hold out for men who wont put their porn use in your face and won't prefer it over sex with you. That's easier to find.
Men who aren't into pretty women? You can find men who aren't obsessed with it but it is hard to find men who don't go for it at all. Not all men want a classical beauty with big breasts and heavy makeup and revealing clothes, but almost everyone prefers someone who is basically attractive.
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A
male
reader, Roboaxe +, writes (17 February 2014):
 Short answer is, yes, men that meet all those characteristics exist. But they are ludicrously rare.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (16 February 2014):
Hi OP. There is someone out there. You'll find him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2014): I don't expect them to be a virgin or not have viewed porn before they met me. Guess there's someone for everyone :)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 February 2014):
 I think you need to just STICK to your beliefs. You will met a LOT of guys your age who things FWB is the thing, same with porn and so forth.
Which means, you NEED to go slow when dating/meeting guys. And you might WANT to avoid making too many lists on how you THINK a guy should be. Don't be too locked into some kind of "perfect guy doesn't do abc notion" of all you will attract are guys who lies.
I wouldn't hold it against a guy if he has tried a FWB, who knows? again in your age group is it rather common.
Personally, I would RATHER look for things you WANT or LIKE in a guy then what you don't like/want. It's just a more positive outlook on guys and life in general. It's the glass half full instead of your limiting glass half empty - if that makes sense.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (16 February 2014):
 I can't possibly give you an accurate answer of what your chances are but I can tell you that there are men out there who meet your criteria and I think it's lovely that you have high standards.
Just to be realistic though, a man who may fulfil your criteria may not be your perfect match in the same way your soul mate may well have enjoyed pornography at some point or lost his virginity.
These things do not make a person, nasty, unkind, evil or not suitable as a life partner.
I'm not suggesting you should lower your standards or put up with any man who disrespects you or devalues women but I do think that you might need to be a little more open minded in order to meet your perfect man.
I hope this helps AB x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2014): This is the OP well I've never had a one night stand either. You can be experienced without having a one night stand or casual sex.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2014): You come on pretty offensive to suggest no one be nasty.
The trick is, trying to determine who's going to be honest about it.
You'll have to distinguish between who's honest, who's lying, and who is only telling you what you want to hear.
If you're not a virgin, should they instantly form a negative and judgmental opinion of you?
You have to be patient. You have to consider your choices, and the character-type you've been attracted to. You have to date a few men, and weed out the losers.
Men don't like to be stereotyped anymore than women do.
You might join a church, or a religious organization. You would improve your odds in finding virgins; or men less sexually experienced.
What you want are men with high moral standards. Don't expect them to expect any less from you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (16 February 2014):
Hi. I think that there are men that will fit the bill, perhaps rather more than you realise. It's easy to look at the news, or papers, or internet, and with all the porn/stories out there that you read think that there are no men who will be what you want. I'll answer your points one by one as best I can:
1 - This is likely. There are men who don't bother with porn. I've never been a massive porn man, and there are others like me. I've seen it, of course, it's out there so it's unavoidable, and also there are women who like to watch it as well, and will bring it into a relationship. If you don't want porn in your relationship, it's something you'll have to ensure that your potential boyfriend understands. If it's that important to you, the right man will understand.
2 - This is less likely, because the world has changed from the idea that someone has to be in relationship. The man you meet will have probably had a one night stand, of friend with benefit. However, this isn't something to be held against a man (or woman if it's in reverse). There is a difference between needing to feed a biological urge,or perhaps making a mistake, or just wanting company, then there is in having a relationship. Just because someone has had a once night stand or a FWB, doesn't mean they can't have a relationship. In fact, there is something to be said for the old saying "you need to sow your wild oats" - meaning that someone who has had one night stands, FWB, and has dated is probably ready to settle when they meet the right woman/man. I wouldn't worry about this one.
3 - Again, the world has changed and you will meet men who want this. But, again, there are men who buck the trend and want to settle in a relationship. You just have to be a bit picky, and perceptive.
4 - What is the perfect looking woman? I don't know. I know I like redheads, but then I also like brunettes, and blondes. I like long legs, but I don't hold it against a woman if she's not 5ft9. And contrary to popular opinion, not all men care about breast size. Some don't like freckles, but I think they're cute. And so on. And so on. There is no perfect looking a woman, and only a closed minded man would place so much attention on that. In fact, for me, the most attractive things in a woman are Honesty, Loyalty, Ambition and a sharp sense of humour.
The point is, I do agree with you that there men out there looking for casual sex. But there are woman who do the same. That doesn't mean that a woman is any less relationship worthy than a man who does the same. In fact, I would be closing a lot of women out if I was very picky. And you might freeze out good men if you do the same. Do be picky, but not too much so. And have a little more faith in men. You don't seem to have too much, and I do promise we're not all bad!
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