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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Would you be upset at your BF for ignoring a "Thinking of you" text you sent to him?I can see he opened it but he didn't respond.About an hour later, I saw he was on Facebook for 45 min til 11 p.m. While he was on FB I sent him a heart on Messenger and there was no reply there either. I never heard from him the rest of the night. So he went to bed without responding to my text or without saying good night. I worry he was talking to some other girl on Facebook. It's out of character for him to act this way. Weirder still is we spent time together and it was a good day yesterday. Not sure why he'd blow me off like that. But it's left me feeling very hurt and angry at him.Do you think I am right to be upset or am I being too sensitive? Should I talk to him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2017): Hello to the Female Anon who posted about Autism and Asperger's.
How ironic you said that because my son HAS autism so I am well versed in this area.
And there have been times when the same thoughts have crossed my mind. And my BF, by his own admission, has also mentioned that he thinks he could have a mild case of autism. But he has never been diagnosed and now he's in his late 40s.
I wonder if this is the reason I have been incredibly tolerant and patient of his inability to communicate with me or show the level of affection/emotions I need? I am already familiar with it and have dealt with it from my own son for 11 years.
Thank you for your thoughtful answer.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2017): It's the OP.
He is a commitment phobe. He was cheated on by his ex wife so I think he is afraid of true intimacy. And this really does hurt me because I keep trying to break through to him. He knows he is lucky and says so and he knows what he has with me and he is happy. If I were not in love with him and I kept it lighthearted, I guess it might be ok the way it has been going.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2017): Hi OP. I read our original post, and then read your second post in the feedback column. All I can say is OMG. Is this how you live your life or is this a one off? It could be there's been months maybe years of him driving you insane because he isn't as attentive or emotionally connected as you, or you are just plain crazy stalker who is at him all the time.
Honestly- read your post, it's truly crazy.
Now if he's mad you crazy with his lack of attention- leave him. It'll never change. If it's the latter and this is plain old how you are, he'll leave you soon enough as it will be intolerable
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2017): Does your boyfriend have a wife or wifey?And is it possible she could have been on facebook that night while he was snoozing postcoitally?I only ask because it seems pure trivia otherwise.I mean why didnt you phone him to say "hello pooky poo..i'm missing you and thinking of you.My big bed is cold without you!Today was lovely pooky! Give it up baby ..oh..I could do with a warming massage now sexy man!"Its all so facebook and messanger and emoticon!Why did you have the curfew anyway after such a fun day?Maybe you need erotica and not emotica!Forgive me if Im getting this wrong but it just seems like a nonstarter!Of course its not enough for any hotblooded female!Sounds a bit like you are getting the scraps!Im sure you are used to more than that in life!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 August 2017):
 Yes , you should leave him. You'd both be happier. If in 4 years you haven't managed to turn him from what he is into the affectionate, effusive, lovey dovey type that you want- it's time to give up, - 4 years is a long time, you must be able to recognize when you are fighting a lost battle. If you want a man who voluntarily and spontaneously will keep in touch with you as much as you want, that's not him and there's no amount of whining and cajoling which will change him.
He , too- poor man. He " might " be up to something, still I doubt he deserves YOUR substained emotional abuse. If there's emotional abuse going on, it goes both ways: you are not a GF, you are an electronic anklet! Imagine a grown up man to have to be subjected to the indignity of having to give you account of his every moment in life, like a naughty rebellious child, and having to struggle to carve an hour or two all for himself.
Talk about being passive-aggressive, then- ah ! You send him a " Thinking of you " , but not because you are just honestly, simply , thinking of hom- instead, because you WANT to be told " Me too, my darling " which appeases your ego , soothes your freakish anxiety and gives you CONTROL over him , since your are checking so precisely his response time and what he was possibly doing instead of thinking of you.
Aww come on, do you really think that an " I love you " or " thinking of you " said just because it springs from your heart and you cannot hold it in, has the same value and meaning of an "I love you "said ONLY to elicit the mandatory,reassuring, ego-building " I love you too " ( also serving at the same time as a sort of tracking device ?) . That's not love , or communication - that 's, as he says, emotional immaturity, or in fact, possibly, OCD .
Last but not least, regardless of the above considerations, I think it would be futile to try and keep score , and assess " who's fault it is " , who is the meanie in this situation; if you with your excessive demands or he with his cold unemotional attitude. The point is that, there's no trust in this relationship. And without trust- you don't really have a relationship, you just have a battle of wills, where you are always trying to anticipate your opponent's moves and stave him off, and curb his attempts of regaining freedom, and always watching your back in case he may stab you etc.etc.- Exactly, precisely what you are doing with this guy. This is the opposite of what a loving healthy relationship is based on, and it's so time-, energy-, and soul- consuming that I am really amazed how neither one called it quits yet because of sheer exhaustion.
Get some rest. Give him rest. Part ways for good. It will be hard at first , but in a little while you'll feel liberated.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2017): I've seen your follow up and the issue between you both and communication. My husband and I have been together 11 years, over time I began to notice differences in communication. I've worked with people who have ASC (autism spectrum condition, and Aspergers, high functioning autism). Some of the ways my husband acted really stood out as being traits of Aspergers in him. And initially I just noticed it to myself. Gradually I started to point out to him that what he was doing was similar to someone I'd known, and I'd just leave it at that. He actually then looked into Aspergers himself and started watching videos of people, who lead normal ordinary lives describing how autism and Aspergers effects their view of the world and how they communicate with other people. It was like a light bulb went off and my husband said - that's how I think about things, that's how I feel in social situations or with communicating. I really do recommend you look at some of the traits of autism. It is a spectrum, so some people only have a few, mild traits while on the severe end autism can leave people unable to communicate verbally. There are thousands of people in very responsible, highly respected jobs who have autism. Commonly communication is a difficult area, and not having clear feelings in situations. I don't recommend you outright say "I think you've got autism!", it's something that takes time to understand and only a professional can officially diagnose it, but the way your partner acts does seem very familiar to me in how I've seen people with autism/Aspergers act in relationships and friendships. A good starting point for finding out about it is http://www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is.aspx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2017): Thank you to all who answered. Hi Denizen, thank you for wanting to help. It's the OP.No other man has ever made me this happy before. And no other man has ever made me this miserable before either.We have been making it work for 4 years. We have had a very strong connection right from the very start. But it gets tiring when I feel I need to beg him for his attention. I don't think I should have to. He tells me I have his attention. But sometimes I feel he takes me for granted. In the beginning he could not wait to see me, he brought me flowers. Now I feel like he is no longer under my spell. I don't feel adored by him like I used to. And sometimes I feel like I am a nuisance or ball and chain to him.He is generally good but not as expressive as I would like. He is not emotional either. He can be. And he actually has a romantic side when he allows himself to express it, but it's almost like he is afraid to. Or if he does, he then kills the romance with logic. I think he has a problem getting too close. And this is where our problems lie. I feel I am more invested than he is. He tries to tell me not to make him the centre of my universe. I get that. But I suppose I do not feel he is giving me the love I need. And you are right, Denizen, I am chasing him over and over again to get him to love me or to show it. It is exhausting and brings down your self worth when somebody ignores you and makes you feel worthless. Especially when you have been good to them and would never do the same thing to make them feel bad.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (18 August 2017):
 Your need for affection is crying out. It comes across as abnormal, but perhaps you crave it because you haven't been getting the love and affection over the last four years that you need.
I'm not sure how you can fix that to be honest. Has your relationship worn itself out? Is it time for a change? Or can you adjust your needs to what is being offered from your partner at the moment.
All sorts of things affect how we behave to each other: work, money problems, family... You know better than me what you both are going through in your personal lives. The question is are you stronger together or apart?
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (18 August 2017):
 PS. STOP SURVEILLING him! Facebook for 45 Minutes?!? Don't start clocking his actions with an egg timer! That shouts "clingy" to me!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 August 2017):
I call these little things "Loyalty tests".
You spent all day with the guy, and after you got home, you're texting and Facebook messaging him. You are insecure of his time away from you, as you have stated. Your talking to him were tests to see *if* he'd respond, *how* he'd respond, and how fast he would respond. The fact that he didn't has your brain and your insecurity on sensory overload.
Whether he's talking with another girl on Facebook, I couldn't begin to tell you! However, you spent all day with him! The best relationships are the ones that BREATHE. If you are ALWAYS communicating and demanding communication, it will become smothering. If I know something about guys (and many girls, because I am like this too!), it's that there needs to be time to recharge! He was with YOU all day yesterday, not some other girl. Why not let your "Goodnight" be when you part company, and give him space so that he can miss YOU and be "thinking of YOU"??
There *is* such a thing as too much, even in the best and closest of relationships! Even in marriages that is possible! He cannot be the center of your very existence. Your friends, your hobbies, your interests APART from his must be something both of you must attend to, and that means giving each other the SPACE to do so. Constant texts, hearts, calls, Facebook messages will cause him to pull away, especially if you then start going after him for "not responding". This would be different if he had spent 3 days away and you heard nothing from him whatsoever, but you were JUST WITH HIM a couple hours earlier!
I don't think you should talk with him about how hurt you are, because these insecurities are YOURS. Telling him how hurt you are that he spent all day with you, and then didn't respond to small "loyalty test" messages is not a good idea. Instead, pull back and watch him start to miss you! He'll contact you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2017): Hello, it's the OP.He and I are on two different planes regarding communication and emotions.I need more communication, he is fine with less. I am very emotional and he is not. He can shut his emotions on and off. I can't. He is more logical and practical. Me, not so much. If I ever have worries or problems, he tells me to just get over them. He hates communicating and likes to pretend everything is okay, even if it is not. He is a guy who can deny everything. I am a communicator and I hold no punches with what I think and what I see as the truth. I will deal with things head on. He can also be passive aggressive, I think in order to punish me. It's a brutal quality. And sometimes, I think, so that I will leave him. So, rather than tell me what he is feeling or what he wants, he would try to be cruel and treat me poorly to push me into leaving him or changing my behaviour to suit him.He is fine with not communicating for 8-12 hours but I need to keep in touch in between with a hello or thinking of you. He used to do that, too, but not as often these days.I asked him how he would feel if he sent me a Thinking of You text and I did not answer it or just ignored it. He said it would not bother him. Really???He called me EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE because I have certain needs and expectations to be happy in this relationship.Communication differences have always been an issue. He does his part, likely to placate me (get me off his back?), but he has days where he just seems to go MIA. Not sure why? It is like he is hot and then cold. I often wonder if he is talking to someone else because he feels I am too demanding and he is not into committing to me that way. He just likes the fun in the relationship and not the work it involves. This bothers me to no end. I have given him 4 years of my life. Devoted and faithful. To have him try to talk up other women behind my back because I HAVE NEEDS that should be met and he would rather bail than do the work, and move onto some other chick who is less demanding and toss me aside? Well, everyone in the beginning is less demanding! Until THEIR shine wears off TOO! Who do you think is the constant here? HE IS! He just seems emotionally unavailable to me and I see this as emotional abuse. When he doesn't answer or goes MIA, it HURTS ME. But he turns the blame on me. Always.He explained to me that yesterday he had a busy day. He said he DID respond to my Thinking of you text but must not have hit the SEND button. The message was sent on Snapchat. Surely you can see when you hit sent that the message was sent. It will appear on the screen instantly. He said when he sent it he was in a hurry. A hurry? Not sure what that all means. I am thinking he lied because he saw how upset I got over it. So, he did some damage control. But it wreaks of insincerity. Likely he just couldn't be bothered.He then said he went to bed early and was watching Netflix and fell asleep without sending me a kissy face to say goodnight. Hmmm. If he fell asleep early, why was he on Facebook again at 1 in the morning? I sent him another message at 12:30 a.m. just checking to see if all was ok since I went all day without hearing from him or a good night as usual. So, he was still up at 12:30 when I sent my final message because he was on FB at 1 a.m. but he still did not respond to me. He said he was on FB on his tablet. Well, if he was watching Netflix why would be even be on FB???? He went off FB at 11 and then back on at 1? And during all that time, he could not bother to message me at all???? So, I worry he was off and on messaging someone else!! And could not be bothered with ME, his GIRLFRIEND! Cause he was too into someone new and pushed me aside out of disinterest and guilt!!Then he calls me EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE when I get upset at his behaviour?He says then he is not the right guy for me! Because I called him on his actions?Like my needs are imposing on him!!!He said he must have left his FB app open but that does not mean he was active on it. Sure, it was closed at 11 and then opened again at 1. So, obviously there was some activity going on with that app. And so late at night? I am not sure what to do.But breaking up at this point is high up on my list of options.Can anyone tell me if I am going to be doing the right thing? It is a 4 year relationship. Long time. I have really invested myself in him. :(
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2017): I think the not saying night if he usual does is the oddity .. because of course he will want to speak with others and if he's shared his day with you then of course he may be catching up with friends ..
But not to say night to me, would be a blow off as it's nice to know your a priority not an afterthought . You don't need to have lots of texting as in table tennis stuff .. but I do like a good morning and a night that would be my deal if he normal does say night .. then say hey what happened to you last night .. I thought you would have said night , I always smile when you do . was everything alright at your side .. ? wait and see what info he provides then take it from there ..
Don't jump at him you don't need to make this a drama .. be cool .. my mother would say if you lose your temper then you've already lost the battle haha not saying you need to be annoyed at him but I can relate to your feelings sweetie as I wouldn't like it either
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 August 2017):
 I agree there is too little to really say one way or another.
I will say though that a "Thinking of you" text doesn't require an answer. It's not a question, it's a statement of fact.
And sending him a "heart" over messenger.... You are in your 30's, not your teens - if you WANT him to talk to you, CALL him.
If him not responding to "Thinking of you" text leads you down the "he MUST be chatting up other women online", then maybe he isn't the guy for you as you clearly don't trust him. And why is that? Why is do you go straight to him talking to someone else?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2017): I'm gonna agree with the poster and say it was a bit rude for him to at least not respond a good night or something especially if he was already online... now does it mean he is chatting with another girl not nessicarly true but if I were you next time he text Don't respond so soon.. sometimes men get annoyed if you text too much let him work for your attention . You are worth it and it he doesn't then move on to bigger and better things.. good luck
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (18 August 2017):
 As you had already spent time together that day, could he possibly have just wanted a bit of time alone? Just because you are in a relationship does not mean you have to live in each other's pockets. ANYTHING could have been going on. Perhaps he was talking to a friend in trouble, or something else which was taking all his attention.
Sending someone a text saying "thinking of you" doesn't really need a response, does it? I think many men would just not even think it required any response. What were you wanting? A thank you, or "thinking of you too" or something? Perhaps he read it, thought "that's nice" and left it at that? And why not? And following that up with a heart smells of you "marking your territory" and demanding his attention. Perhaps he saw it as that and just didn't play the game.
You state your age as early 30s but your post sounds like it has come from a teenager in their first relationship - all about insecurity and attention seeking. Do you think every time your boyfriend is away from you he is talking to other girls? Have you any evidence for this? Even if he is talking to other people, including females, what is wrong with that? Just because you are in a relationship does not mean he is not allowed to speak to other women.
You state it is not like him to ignore you like this. So the first time he "steps out of line", you are, by your own admission, hurt and angry at him? Give him some breathing space.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (18 August 2017):
This one incident is too little to give a valid opinion. We don't know if it is a one-off, what the circumstances were or how your relationship is in general.
And what about you? Are you over sensitive? Are you jealous? As much as you would like it we aren't all-seeing.
Give a bit more background to why you are upset by this and we will try to add some helpful comments.
And you ask, should I talk to him? Well yes, of course. You can then make up your mind if he is talking crap or if there was a genuine reason you were left out of his evening.
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