A
female
age
30-35,
*azelm
writes: Hello,I am having some issues in my relationship, and I don’t know if its due to boundaries issues or me being old school. I grew up with a lot of guys, I get along with guys better than girls, but I have female friends as well, which means I have nothing against opposite sex friendship. I am 22 and my boyfriend is 25 years old. We are in long distance right now due to school; we have been together for a two years.The issue I have with him is about his female friends, I don’t mind him having female friends, I don’t mind him hanging out with them, but I mind seeing pictures of girls on his lap on Facebook, or pretending tobe a couple and posing for the camera in a very intimate way, or 3 different girls having him as his profile pictures because he is their best friend and not just any type of picture, they put the kind of picture if you look at them you would assume it’s a couple.The worse for me is when his female friends text him about sex, so for example one girl texted him and said that " she wants somebody to go deep inside her and pound her v***** really hard", honestly I would never send any of my guy friends that kind of text, and yet I have plenty of guy friends, and I never take pictures that look very intimate with my guy friends, because not only I will be disrespectful to my boyfriend, but what kind of person would I be projecting?My boyfriend thinks all those actions are normal because they are just friends, but i tell him that i find that totally disrespectful to our relationship, because some lines shouldn’t be crossed, and those girls are too confortable with him. I feel as if by keep telling him that what those girls are doing is inappropriate, he will end up resenting me and think that I am controlling him, and I am not a controlling person, I really let him have his personal space. We talked about the pictures, at first he didn't understand but then he agreed to not take those of pictures in the future but now we have sexual messages being sent between them. I don’t know what to doI am exaggerating; do other people do this as well? Is it a normal behavior? I am trying to determine if maybe I am not the problem here.Thank you
View related questions:
best friend, facebook, long distance, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2012): What are YOUR boundaries? YOU decide. Tell him what they are. If he crosses, them, then don't waste any more heart ache on someone who doesn't respect you. I have a bf of five months, he has changed SO MUCH just to respect me, and to make sure our relationship lasts. He won't reply to inappropriate texts, and has stopped communicating with woman who were more than 'just' friends. I would not accept anything less, he knows this and treasures me too much to continue in his old 'single' ways. They are MY boundaries - I feel I am old school too, and want to be with someone that loves and accepts that, and loves that they get that sort of loyalty back from me. Why would you want someone in my life that hurts you? You are very happy on your own, so only have someone in your life that enriches it. (It took me a few years to work this out too - be strong and trust yourself and your feelings).
A
female
reader, hazelm +, writes (31 October 2012):
hazelm is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hello Anonymous 123 ,
Thank you for taking the time to respond. Honestly, thats what i also think. Some things are common sense, but apparently those things arent common sense to him. For a long time, i tried to find excuses for him, maybe i am just subconsciously jealous or something else, but this is not about jealousy.
He told me that everyone he asked about this issues told him that his girlfriend was just jealous, that there is nothing inappropriate about this issue.
Exactly,thats beyond the limits, and i don't see how he thinks its decent. I asked him how come those issues ,texts, facebook,... were never there before, and how come even before we dated i never saw girls acting like that with him on facebook and he responded that before it used to be worse,that female friends would send him naked pictures, and thats why for him those issues are minor. From that, i assumed that for him that kind of behaviour is normal,but for me it is not because i am not that kind of girl.I would never send a guy friend a naked picture of myself,where is my respect?
I will talk to him, and put everything on the table, and he thinks i am being controlling,i will tell him that i want a relationship where the person has some awareness and respect the relationship enough.
Thank you again for helping
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (31 October 2012):
 You are not the problem OP, your boyfriend is. It is common sense to know what kind of talk is acceptable between friends of the opposite sex and what isn't. Friends don't sit on each other's laps and pose provocatively for pictures and friends don't talk about wanting to have their vagina pounded! This is certainly unacceptable and its not because you or I are old school but because this is beyond the limits of decency.
How would your boyfriend like it if the tables were turned and he saw pictures of you sitting on another guy's lap and hugging him with your boobs thrust on his face? And how would he react if he saw a text message on your phone from a guy saying that he was really horny and and wanted to pound his penis into a warm vagina? Disgusting, isn't it?
If your boyfriend still thinks that all this is acceptable, then maybe you need to re-think the relationship with him because he has no sense of boundaries. Remember OP, you cant keep telling him what is right and what is not, that is for him to know. This is not rocket science, its basic common sense which he either lacks or just doesnt bother about as long as he has a nice time.
...............................
A
female
reader, hazelm +, writes (31 October 2012):
hazelm is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you very much for taking your time and helping me with the issue.
The hard part for me to understand its because i have many male friends and i guarantee you, we text about usual stuff like school, work,the news,Sports, and yes our personal lives also we do discuss about it, but we don't take that far,i would never text a friend to tell them what i want my boyfriend to do to me in bed,i would never do that.I want people to respect me,and people treat me how i teach them to treat me.
I asked my boyfriend how come for the 7 years i have known him,i have never seen pictures of him like what i see now on facebook and also the interactions with him female friends wasn't that wild till 7 months ago, he responded that actually that is nothing,that before we started dating,girls would send him naked pictures of themselves,but now they don't do that at all.I think he thought by telling me that i was going to feel better, but i didn't.
I think he has very poor boundaries and doesn't respect our relationship enough to see how inappropriate his actions are. I don't want him to resent me or think that i dot like his friends ,or that i am being controlling. I also think that there is a lack of maturity from his side.He told me that his friends told him that what he does is normal that i am just jealous!!
And you are right,its about what i don't find respectful to my relationship,i have to talk to him, and if he takes it negatively, then that would be it.
Thank you very much for your input.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2012): I used to be like that when I was single, I had and still have a lot of female friends but never acted like that in a relationship. Girls aren't even allowed to sit on my lap anymore and there is not chance in hell I would allow sex texts although I do discuss my friends sex lives with them in the giving advice sense but they're usually things I consult my girlfriend about anyway.
OP your boyfriend is acting single, this isn't about boundaries, it's about him acting single and who knows how far he's taking that?
You're not the problem OP, how would he like it if you had guys sending you sexy texts? how would he feel if he saw pictures of you getting very cosy with other guys? He may deny he'd feel it was wrong given he doesn't want to weaken his position but you and I know it would be unacceptable.
I would not tolerate that from my girlfriend, if she wanted to act single then that's what she must be.
The biggest thing of all here though is this OP, it doesn't matter what I or anyone else thinks are acceptable boundaries here, this is not our relationship. It's up to you to decide what is not acceptable and it's very clear this is one of those things.
...............................
|
