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male
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anonymous
writes: Dear cupid.I hope someone out there will be able to give me some advice on my situation.I have been in the best relationship of my entire life with the man of my dreams, and we want to marry, he is currently in NY working on a project for one yr, and I am very far from where he is, and he'll be coming home in the next month we love each other fully, we tell each other everything and have no secrets from one another.My only problem is that there are days that he makes me feel incapable of doing things and he makes me feel inferior, he is highly qualified and I have my own business, and no fancy qualifications, but use my head, however at times without even knowing it, he makes me feel as though I know nothing when he talks his perfectly profound English and about his wide spectrum of general knowledge of everything,languages, culture, fashion, music and of all the people that he knows. He makes me feel so insignificant.There have even been times when he corrects me, even just kidding around, I feel as though I am not good enough.He doesn't do this on purpose to hurt me, I doubt that he has even thought that it hurts, but he makes me feel stupid and useless at times which results in me constantly seeking his approval, acceptance, and reassurance.Yes I know that perhaps I'm not as smart,talented, or my qualifications aren't as great as his, or my general knowledge is not so vast, but I hate when he is talking about things that i don't know about, I look and feel like a fool asking for him to elaborate and I feel silly, and left out, i've even thought of doing some research on general information so that i can expand my knowledge quickly on certain topics so that I don't feel intimidated, or less,and to be honest I have already done that.Once I approached him with regards to the way that i felt, and he didn't talk to me, and in the end i find myself apologising for being honest and saying sorry, and while he is on his high horse, saying thats it's unfair, and he hates how i make him feel guilty, then he gives me the silent treatment and eventually says, "IT'S FINE"!We love each other dearly, but I feel that there are certain things that i can't tell him, like this for eg. I hate feeling like the vulnerable one in the relationship, I always express my love to him, and so does he, but at times i feel as thou his work comes first.The project he is working on is important and it has delayed his return, and when I innocently ask when he'll be coming home, he attacks me saying it's unfair for me to ask and for putting pressure on him, and that I don't understand the pressure he's under. I'm not putting pressure, I simply asked.Am i being too needy? Have I let my self respect go down the drain without even thinking about it.Please dont get me wrong in saying he doesn't care. i know he loves me, and he wants the best for me, but he contradicts himself when he sayd he wants me to tell him everything and when i say something I get the opposite reaction when I don't want to argue.please give me some advice, is this my fault, I know he means well, but it hurts when I feel intimidated or stupid infront of the person that wants to marry me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2008): I've always been in relationships with guys that were either very wealthy or famous. Guys in the end would do anything for a girls attention. You have your own buisness girl! You seem sweet and smart. The best advice and I'm not joking is...read the book why men love bitches. I swear I get any guy I want because of this. Its crazy. Monkey see monkey do! If he is acting that way then correct him. I'm sure he doesn't know everything. Act like hes stupid for not knowing the stuff you know...If he is wearing a YSL shirt and you know its old point it out. Make him feel like crap. He will shut the hell up then. Still be nice though! Like casually say things. A guy wants a strong woman. Someone that wont take shit. Try to find out what his moms like also. I bet she has an hermes and is strong as hell. You have all the right stuff probably. I just know it. Have you ever noticed some ugly girl with the hottest guy and he wont look at you? and she looks mean? well thats because shes strong and puts him in his place. TRUST ME! Read why men love bitches. That book is what ive been telling my girls for years!..........p.s. 1. Get a gay bf 2. Rent two can play that game 3. Read Why men love bitches 3 times 4. Get a make over for yourself 5. Work out burns stress and you feel better
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008): Hi, I had exactly the same problem in my last relationship. I have always felt good about myself until I met this guy. He was great, successful with his career and I was also just struggling with my own business and he made me feel like what I was doing is nothing compared to what he was doing. I felt really worthless and insecure and that negative feeling affected me in the relationship and eventually the relationship itself. In the end he left me thinking I was too needy and emotional which I'm not at all. However I still don't know an answer to your problem. I really loved that guy but I felt so much stress and pressure in that relationship. The moment it ended I was sad but also kind of relieved. I think it might not be the right relationship for me until I'm good enough to handle a guy like that or be with someone who makes me feel good about myself
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2007): Hi There
I know exactly how you feel but from the other side. I'm more academically qualified than my fiance and it really bothered me for a stupidly long time. In the end, I didn't talk to him about it because I knew that the problem was with me and not his academic record. I just decided to me myself and what would be would be. You know what? It was just fine.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2007): I don't understand the replies to this post that say that this is your problem and that you are insecure and blaming him. I don't know how much dating experience you have had or the others that posted those replies have had, but don't listen to that. There are so many people in the world, so many different people. We all have insecurities, but when we find the right person, they make us feel like we are on top of the world. I'm not saying that there are no difficult times, of course there are, but the reason that it becomes worth it to work through difficult times, is because you know this person has your best interests in mind, that they love and care about you and love you for who you are. It is difficult to stand up for ourselves sometimes, and in the end you are the only one that knows the intimacies of your relationship and can make judgements using that knowledge, but don't sell yourself short. It's amazing how different one person can be from the next, and there are men out there that will not make you feel inferior. And they will make you feel good about life, energized, and ready to take on the world.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2007): Well from the sounds of it, this relationship is not 50/50. YOu also sound like the type of girl who would defend who man if someone said something against him. Even if you knew they were right. I hate to say this, but keep your head in the cloud. COme down and take a step back. A marriage should be based on equality and making both feel loved and secure and make each other happy. SOunds to me like you love this man but do you really. I mean why do you love him? To me in all honesty, he sounds like he thinks he is better than you. ANd deep down you think he is right. Ok right off the bat, I can't let you think that. Sounds like you are abit insecure anyways and this man is making it ten times worse. I am not sure what my answer for you is but I know what I would do. I would call him on it and I would treat myself like the woman I am, smart, loving, intelligent, independent and knows how to be open. BUt I am not about to have a man make me feel less educated or stupid because he may no something I don't. Please. ANyways my love, I sure hope you gets this worked out. Remember what they say, a woman has the exact love life she wants. I really believe that. If your not happy, do something about it. NO sense in holding on to something that was really never there. BUt who knows if he sees you won't tolerate that and you love yourself maybe he will smarten up..Good Luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2006): The problem is that you're blaming him for "making" you feel a certain way.Your bf isn't MAKING you feel insignificant. You're insecure, and his success highlights for you all the things about yourself that you're not so sure are good. It sounds to me like you've got a bit of a complex about not being "successful" enough, and that's coming out now that you're with someone who is.It's not fair to blame him for the way you're feeling, since you say you're sure he's not TRYING to make you feel bad. He's just being himself, and you're asking him to be someone different - to tone down everything academic about his personality - because you feel bad about yourself when you compare yourself against him.Stop comparing.I know it hurts to feel intimidated or stupid, but recognize that this is about you, not your bf. He clearly doesn't have a problem with any difference there may be between you in terms of career prestige, education, etc. If he did, he'd look for someone else more like him. The only way to stop feeling intimidated/stupid is to go out and find some self-confidence. Stop blaming your bf for your problem.
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A
female
reader, llqueen +, writes (10 January 2006):
Please do not worry. He apparently loves you no matter what you know or don't know. It isn't him purposely making you feel this way, it is your insecurities which I can understand. Just try to tell yourself that you are worth it! You can't expect someone else to accept you until you have accepted yourself. Just be yourself. If it makes you feel better, sure, read up on some stuff. But, you shouldn't feel like you have to. You are equal in the relationship regardless of what his position in work is. Your goal when you get married is to make each other happy. Don't ever forget that you love each other. That is why you are together. Good luck. Don't be so down on yourself.
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A
female
reader, Dawnest +, writes (10 January 2006):
No love, he dosnt MAKE you feel inferior,inadequate,illiterate or downright stupid. He is a well read,knowledgeable man who saw in you the potential to be a nice piece of arm candy but at the ame time, he hopes that with time, you will be his level in the knowledge of subjects he talks about.
When you tell him everything, its usually not the latest play/book/concert/opera or piece of music but tittle tattle which bores him. he wants spirited discussions and the arguements you mention I feel are usually because you feel put down and get defensive.
When he is away, use the time to read the latest reviews/watch the world news on CNN/read some of the more serious newspapers and build up your general knowledge. The moment you raise your intelligence level, you will see that there is nothing to get defensive about. let him teach you. Its no big deal being a pupil and the end results will be fulfilling and give your ego a boost.
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A
female
reader, Purple Thistle +, writes (10 January 2006):
He is the one with the problem babe, not you.When he starts pontificating just say I don't know what that is explain - but don't feel foolish for asking. Is he just trying to impress you with his supposed "superior knowledge". Knowing who invented the internal combustion engine and what the patent number is, is no big deal.Good for going on the telly on "Millionnaire" but to be truly intelligent is to understand and be able to analyse facts and situation and apply them not just dates and names. Social Intelligence is far more important in my book. You have set up your own business - wow! Has he done that?
Nah sorry - HE is the vulnerable one, always trying to impress you and put you down (albeit unknown to him).
You need to talk and be VERY VERY frank with him. This "imbalance" will fester for years if you get together, and you will end up despising him, and life is too short for that.Talk and thrash it out once and for all.If you truly can't resolve it.......well......plenty more fish......
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