A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:since I have been really young, I've identified much better with females. My closest friends even in elementary school were all girls. I was hanging out with girls and enjoying their company at the same time most other boys were in the "cooties" phase. I also developed "crushes" on girls earlier than many guys. By 11 or 12 I was thinking about dating. By 15 I had decided I wanted a serious, no-screwing-around committed relationship. I never did have one, but I wanted one.I had one friend growing up who was a guy, and he died at age 20 from cancer.So, even now as an adult, all my close friends are girls.The problem is that I think it's affecting my ability to be a good "boyfriend." Even one of my friends (girl) told me that I "make a good girlfriend." And she also sometimes playfully teases me about "being half-female."I'm currently in a relationship, but we sometimes have arguments. While I know most couples do, I'm noticing a theme with these arguments. That being that she seems annoyed that I get so upset or emotional about things, and it bothers her. She's following the pattern that I see written about so often-she seems to want a guy who has confidence and "has his s..t together" and can be a firm foundation for HER emotions. I guess I'm not being that guy. The result is I think she's being smothered, and maybe is deliberately pulling away but not admitting it... Say she cancels a date. I get really emotional about it, hurt quite a bit, especially if it was an important one. So now not only is she feeling guilty about canceling, but she feels more guilty because I'm being a whiny "girl." The thing is, I've never identified that well with most guys. Aside from my friend who died, I have had one other close male friend. He ended up backstabbing me so he could further his relationship with a girl. Long story, but basically, his girlfriend got really jealous of me (even though I'm not even another girl...but maybe it's because I act feminine?????) and told him to stop talking to me...so he did. And then proceeded to spread rumors about me and such. The things most guys do - going to the bar, fishing, watching sports, hunting, etc. just don't appeal to me at all. The only "guy" type thing I do is handyman stuff, I love doing remodeling and home improvement stuff and I have a sizeable tool collection. Other than that, though, I just don't identify with guys much at all. Girls, on the other hand, I've always identified very well with, and as I've said I have made plenty of friends who are girls easily. But now when I am in a relationship and want to be a good BOY-friend, I'm not feeling like I have it. I feel like I get too emotional and end up smothering my GF. What's that one thing I've read? "Girls don't need another girlfriend, they need a MAN." I feel like I'm not much of a "man" in this sense... IT's just my nature. If I'm hurt, I can't just clam up and be silent. I talk about how I feel, openly, and explicitly. And so I end up doing that with my GF, which I am worried is just repelling her. One thing I once read on here said something like "needyness stinks; girls despise it, and if you act that way, she'll pull away from you." I think that's what's happening to me......But I also worry that my personality has been so deeply shaped and that changing it suddenly isn't going to work. If I try to "act confident" around my GF, she'll be able to tell I'm acting. She knows me too well to fall for any "acts". But I can't simply "be" confident and OK with everything.Don't get me wrong. I have a good life. I have a great job, a lot of skills and a lot of things that make me happy. But I still don't feel that "confidence" that they talk about with respect to boyfriends. What can I do to help my own situation as well as the one with my gf? I do love her - and maybe even more than most guys do love - but I don't want to push her away just because I'm too "Girly" to be a real boyfriend...
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2013): I can appreciate the details offered below. What your self-description comes down to is a "female trapped in a man's body." There is a a pun intended, and the humor is meant affectionately.
You will find that there is a person for every personality type that exists. You love your girlfriend; but there are just some attributes that people just aren't willing to forgo within their ideal relationship. You can't expect a heterosexual female to be totally happy with a guy who is as, or more, sensitive and emotional as she is.
You only need to work on your self-esteem, self-confidence, and take a course in assertiveness. You stereo-type women as though they can't control their feelings. They have their moments, but those who are too emotional are neurotic or have been severely traumatized! They are more frequently victims of abuse. It's not a great compliment to be compared to a damaged or emotionally-challenged female. Even if you're female!
Reign in your emotions; because any extreme is unattractive. Being whiny and over-emotionalizing over things is annoying. Even for a woman. Clingy over-emotional women go through boyfriends like facial tissues. Their mates tire of the whining, crying, complaining, nagging, and over-all fragile nature of a woman who has no back-bone.
The fortunate thing is, assertiveness can be learned. You can learn to stand up for yourself. Appear strong and in charge. Woman do it everyday. So why relate to their weaker side? Imagine being a single mother, who has to fend for her family without their father. They don't have time to mope around in a puddle of tears and whining. They take the bull by the horns.
Learning to keep your emotions in check only takes practice. If your girlfriend complains about it, you should respect her opinion and just learn to "handle" your outward expression of emotion. No one is asking you not to feel.
It never makes sense to ask for advice and make excuses in resistance to change. If your girlfriend tires of your "girlishness" she is going to leave you for a more "manly" guy. You've said it yourself. It always happens.
She may not like feeling like being in a "lesbian" relationship. I don't mean that negatively. Meaning, two "females" in a romantic situation. It might be a turn-off to some degree. If she closed her eyes, a woman can strap one on and she wouldn't know the difference. The point is, she does know the difference. That's YOUR PROBLEM.
She needs to feel your "masculinity" in order to satisfy those needs programmed by nature. If that's not your problem then I guess you wrote your post just to read to yourself.
I wish you luck. I think a little tweaking will help, when you learn assertiveness, and closing the tap on the over-flow of the whiny "lady-boy" syndrome. If you are a heterosexual, it isn't working well for your love-life.
As for never fantasizing about being with men? I have many straight male friends who admit they have at some point in their lives man-crushed or wondered what it's like being with another guy. Their strong attraction to women just dismisses any venture to ever act on it. They also don't like whiny clingy women who can't keep it together.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2013): op hereThank you for all of your comments.First off, I'm heterosexual, and have never fantasized about anything homosexual. All of my fantasies involve females. I may not be an absolute king in the bedroom, but I'm not bottom of the barrel either. And I'm always interested in getting better in that area - I've read various books and such on the subject.I was a bit stereotypical about "things guys do". I also meant I just don't identify with the common guy attitude. I don't have super-strong over-resilient confidence. If I am hurt, I am hurt, and that might mean I am out of it for a while, while I recover emotionally. I can't just stand tall in the face of emotional trauma and act like it's all OK like some guys can. I don't believe in things like "you're upset? let's get a bunch of guys together and all go to the bar and check out chicks." Not for me. When girls are hurt, other girls crowd around them and want to hear every little detail and offer all sorts of emotional support; when guys are hurt, other guys tell them to pick themselves up and get over it, that there's plenty of other girls, there's plenty of other days, whatever, and to move on and forget about it. Trauma in childhood? I was bullied frequently, yes. Constantly the brunt of everyone's jokes. I have a condition that makes me look a bit different and this is probably part of it. Even back then, if anyone did come to my aid in the midst of being bullied, it was a female. This is actually how I made a few friends who I held all the way through high school; we only parted ways after graduation just because we were off to different places and slowly lost touch. You should also know that all of the other girls I've dated actually dumped me, and in all cases, and I mean every girl I've dated, they left me and very, very quickly ended up with another guy, who actually displayed these "manly" traits. My first gf left me and within a month was dating a guy I knew who I felt was the biggest jerk, or at least the most "guy-ish" guy. Loved the bar scene, sports, etc. And she is still with him... five years later.Second gf I had dumped me for another guy who, in her own words, "didn't complain so much." She was "tired of me always complaining about being hurt; yeah sometimes is OK but you did it too much and it smothered me, and I ended up feeling guilty all the time."The gf I have now hasn't dumped me, but says similar things: "I end up feeling guilty all the time..."I noticed all of you were female responders, and the only male responder suggested I might be gay. (No offense taken, btw; your questions were valid, and I have absolutely no issue with gay people; I just don't nor have ever felt any attraction towards guys.) My gf herself told me many times early on in the relationship that she wants a guy who can express his feelings because most guys can't. Every other girl I've dated said the same thing. But I feel like when I do express those feelings, I either overdo it, or it turns out not to be what the girl expected, and she pulls away. Look around at advice for guys. Even look here on DC. The common theme is "girls don't want a wuss; girls want a guy who's strong, confident and has it all together, and won't break down when he gets hit in the face with something; he'll stand strong in the face of a storm, showing her he can be her rock no matter what the situation." Sorry, but, at times, that's not me. If I am really upset about something, and especially if it's because of something involving my GF, no matter how minor it may seem to her, I can't be super-strong and actually feel like nothing's wrong. I do have the knight-in-shining-armor thing where I want to help my gf whenever she needs something, but even that turns ugly. Say she calls me to come over to help with something, so I get ready to head out. In the meantime, she gets a call from a neighbor. She casually mentions her bf is coming over to do this or that. "Oh, don't inconvenience him, I can come over right now and do it... I'll be there in 30 seconds." So she lets them do it. Now I'm upset because I was just robbed of the chance to help her. And yes, again, I get emotional and upset about it.My gf recently said "Lately all you do is get upset; you tell me all the time you're upset about this or that, and it's always in connection with me. You make me feel like I'm not good enough for you. Now, I feel guilty even when I shouldn't. I worry about telling you the truth because I hate making you upset but lately you get upset a lot." I don't get any more upset than usual, but the "honeymoon" period is wearing off, and "Real life" is setting in... and she's noticing this more. I am just really worried that my tendency to be openly emotional and express my feelings explicitly is actually going to cause trouble for us. I've started to try to at least be gentler in expressing how I feel, trying to word things more carefully, but I'm not sure... I've been with this girl for over 3 years now... longest I've ever been with anyone - so the thought of just moving on at this point is pretty horrific...Thanks again for your comments... I'd welcome more comments if anyone has them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2013): I'm gay, so let's review this from a different perspective.Your identification with females dates back to long ago. You learned to identify with their emotionalism and you assimilated a lot of their other feminine qualities. So?Assuming you are a heterosexual(?) You mentioned absolutely nothing of your sexual attraction to, or physical intimacy with females. Only how you identify with females when it comes to emotional display. You admit to having a more feminine outlook, and prefer the company of females. Apart from that, you delicately danced your way around discussing; or establishing your sexual orientation. Therefore, I will take a stab in the dark, and say that you may have some latent homosexual tendencies.You may not be sexually attracted to men, but you identify more with the female gender. Perhaps you've buried and avoid facing your true sexual orientation. How do you relate to women sexually? Are you sexually aggressive or more submissive? Have you ever fantasized about being with another man? Have you ever experimented?Your post is purely dedicated to how you superficially relate to woman. Not how you relate intimately. Women can easily adapt to the lack of an interest in sports, and they are attracted to you for the qualities you possess; not for those you lack. Why did your girlfriend suddenly focus on your masculinity? Is there something lacking in the bedroom? I find it hard to understand what you're trying to say in regard to being more confident?Do you mean more masculine? You purposely avoid using the term "effeminate." There may be some denial in this area.I would say you should accept yourself, and not concern yourself with how you are perceived by others. Don't change for acceptance. Changes are made to improve your weaknesses and enhance your better qualities. You don't recreate yourself for others, you recreate yourself to better equip yourself for success and survival.You are who you are. Exactly what attracted your girlfriend to you before, that she doesn't see now? Perhaps she needs a totally different type of man than who you are. You can't suddenly make a transformation into a John Wayne character for her sake.You may love your girlfriend. I doubt in a romantic way. You must come to terms with the person that you are.Look deeply inward and accept yourself.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (14 May 2013):
 Have you considered that the fault doesn't lie with you and does lie with your girlfriend and the "friends" you've chosen.
You don't sound too girly too me. Just a guy who knows how he feels and isn't afraid to express those feelings.
You seem like an awesome guy. But what your girlfriend seems to want is a controlling, arrogant, testosterone riddled macho man. She says you're too girly because you get upset when she cancels plans with you? That's not right. It's okay to be upset. Never try to hide what you're feeling.
There is no issue as to you not being a good boyfriend. Perhaps you should look at the underlying issues. Trust issues, emotional trauma from your friend dying. Have you spoken to a grief counselor?
You sound awesome, I would love to have you as a friend, as I'm sure my boyfriend would too. You need to accept yourself as how you are and learn to own that. Find some new friends , ones that are loyal, that won't stab you in the back. And a new girlfriend too. She is looking for something that isn't you and you're gonna get hurt.
I hope this helps you, good luck and I really hope everything works out for you.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (14 May 2013):
 Lol I am to girly with a medium slash of tomfoolery just be yourself your trus self if she wants you and cares and loves you it doesnt matter. Have you express this
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (13 May 2013):
 The description here doesn't sound like an issue of femininity. Needy and feminine are not the same thing. Emotional and feminine are not the same thing either.
I'm curious about your background. You don't have to answer this question here, but has there been any trauma, aside from your friend's tragic death, in your life?
I've known a few men since grade school who are quite similar to what you've described - very emotional, co-dependent, and friends with almost exclusively girls. Three of those guys came out as gay in high school, and their neuroticism and low self-esteem that came with being so emotional and co-dependent disappeared. The other two guys each have cases of trauma in their pasts; one grew up in an extremely dysfunctional home and the other suffered from crippling social anxiety that made him the brunt of (male) bullies' jokes growing up.
In any case, you're not too feminine to be a good boyfriend because, as I implied earlier, that's not the issue that you've described. And even if it was, there are plenty of girls who wouldn't mind that trait. It sounds like your real issue is one of feeling secure, but I don't know you enough to tell you why that is or how it's manifested in your life. That's for you to reflect on!
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 May 2013):
 My husband does not play or watch sports (I watch football) He does not go to bars (he drinks at home) he does not go fishing, or hunting. He does not do handyman stuff either. But he does go for mani/pedis with me… and he waxes his eyebrows… and I don’t for one second consider him girly.
What you show as an example is not a male or female trait so much as a lack of self-esteem and emotional maturity. I would be very upset if my boyfriend canceled IMPORTANT dates on me even once and if they canceled plans on me on a regular basis, I’d be finding a new boyfriend. Getting UPSET by her doing that is normal and natural IMO. Don’t ACT confident, learn to be confident. Confidence is sexy and it’s what drew me to my husband in the first place.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2013): First off, I really don't think that you should be beating yourself up too much about being "too feminine". You shouldn't have to be the base for all of someone's emotional problems, that's not how relationships should be. It should be based on mutual communication and understanding not having you as the footing for all of her issues.
As for needy, wanting to talk about how you're feeling so you can cope is not needy, it is actually quite healthy. It is something that is a nice change, most girls I know would love it if their man could just explain it, no reserves, and talk about what the hell is going on.
I don't really think the people you've surrounded yourself are THE BEST choices, considering your "friend" backstabbed you, and what not. As for the all girl friends thing, that isn't exactly the worst thing because you've learnt how to communicate with women. You're not another meathead who's a pile of testosterone and machismo.
You need to have confidence in yourself. You seem like a pretty decent person. There is nothing wrong with you, learn to love who you are.
I'm a girl and for most my life I've been "too masculine" in my actions in life. Whatever, the point is repeat to yourself that you are a lovable wonderful person. You just need to try to talk to your girlfriend about her behaviours. If she says you're always being so much of a girl, she may not be the best choice because she isn't able to accept you and how you are. You need not change everything about you for this person.
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