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female
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*usanInLove20
writes: I have been with my boyfriend David for 5 1/2 years. We are high school sweethearts and soul mates. I feel like this is rather pathetic that I am bothering someone else with my problems but I need help. Like I said, David and I love each other. We started dating in high school. I guess I should start by saying that I think I may have emotional problems. I had a rough childhood. David came into my life and gave me everything that a person could ever ask for. He is the kindest, most giving person I have ever met. Anyways, we met when he was 17 and I was 15. He was very emotional and we connected on that level. He protected me from life, it felt. He always took time to make, me being happy his number 1 priority. Now our lives are slowly changing. Simply because we are growing up and he is now working a full time career-like job and he is drained. I need him to be here for me. I love him with everything that I am. He is my whole world...and I think that is now my biggest problem. Things aren't the same, I cry all the time. He is emotionallly unavailable. I am soo attached to him. I hate myself for this...becoming so attached to another person. What a fool I am. I wait for his calls, I wait to see him. He doesn't call, He is too tired to hang out. He does take the time to talk and tell me he loves me with all of his heart but I feel like that just isn't the same. He is always spaced out, he doesn't look me in my eyes anymore. When I cry ..he hangs up on me. Then I go into break down stage and tear apart our relationship in my mind. I even text him how I feel and he is one of those people who words mean everything, so he freaks and doesn't call me for days. Until I apologize...which I do because I go crazy without him in my life. He used to always want to be with me 24/7. I was his world and his everything as he is to me now. He is 22 and I am now 20 and I am wondering if I just need to grow up and seek therapy? There are nights I wish he would show up at my door in the middle of the night to hold me like he did when we first met. He is the first thing I think about in the morning and the last before I sleep. It seems as if our relationship has become too casual and he isn't making the effort to connect me. He thinks I attack him when I tell him how I feel. I make up scenerios in my head of why he is acting this way but it is beyond my understanding. What should I do? Please, help me. Susan
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): Hi would love to know how you are getting on now as your letter was such a long time ago. I am a 55 year old divorced mother and believe it or not i am in the same positionn as you were then, i don't think you ever really change or grow out of your feelings of dependancy. I was on my on for quiet a while when my husband first left me for my best friend but i had my youngest son at home with me i seemed to have had a bit more confidence being on my own and a feeling of contentment. Now i live alone i have been seeing a divorced man for 5 yrs but i am feeling exactly the same as you and i can;t seem to get out of this rut i am in and move on i m also in denial as my fella has never promised anything solid from day one and has always said we will never be anymore than friends. I ffel things are all onesided and i cry alot over him but i know i am too good for him but still i keep on. I could go on and on but whats the point i just don't know which way to turn i wish icouldget some help but feel so embarassed and ashamed that a t my age i allow this to go on. Some advice would be very welcome from anybody who would like to comment. Thanks for reading x
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2010): first of all build up friendship and then respect your prtner his feelings and let him share your feelings also have pationate and make your partner to understand you more and more .go for adventure to visit new places to share new experience.Tutu
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reader, mailmary  +, writes (28 October 2008):
 Dear Susan,
Sometimes as women we just give ourselves away too much without realizing that we are not giving ourselves enough of our 'self'. We seem to believe that the happiness of others somehow contributes to our own happiness. In other words we stop caring about our happiness or in someway hope that others are responsible for our happiness. Susan, you need to be in love with yourself first in order to love someone else, never ever expect somebody else to respect you when you cannot respect yourself. Respect yourself enough and then you will see that your significant other has that same respect for you. Being emotionally clingy is not healthy. Be your own person and the world will fall in love with you! Go on Susan, take control of your life starting with taking control of your emotions!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2008): Susan, I think I can give you some good advice. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years now. We talked on the phone for hours every day and I thought he had the greatest personality. I thought we really clicked. We both fell in love with each other. I thought it was perfect and I had no doubt in my mind that he was the one for me and we should get married in the future. I thought our relationship was perfect- until we moved in together. I pictured us being alone in our apartment, sharing the love we had for each other, and it would be happily ever after. But instead, he always had his friends over, and me being dumb at the time, allowed this to go on. Somehow I think we were slowly moving apart. Partly because it was such a major difference living with him than just talking to him. Also because he is from the city and I am from the county, he realized how reality/street dumb I was- making foolish moves. Then, he started breaking up with me about once a month for reasons such as that. It was always a different reason, a reason I didn't think was enough to throw the towel in. I think that is when I started getting depressed, and it really put me into a great fear of losing him. One time when he broke up with me and did not change his mind soon after, I wanted to commit suicide. That was awhile ago, and now I realize that I was not and am not ready to live with him. I have felt for a long time scared of losing him, to the point where I just start breaking out crying when I think about it. It consumed my mind, because I was afraid of it happening again. I still am, and I pray to God to give me the strength to be independent of him, to keep us together, to help me not to worry....I am so attached to him because we have been together for so long and I love him deeply. At the same time, I know he doesn't need me as much as I need him. You are not a fool, and I am not a fool. But I do know that if we continue to be so attached and emotional, it will scare him away. Believe that. If you really need him in your life, do not let that happen. Be strong and talk to the Lord. Have faith that he will help you. I think you should go to a psychologist and learn how to be independent of him. If you don't, your relationship will not be happy or healthy, and it will probably not last. I just took an online test and my results were positive for Dependent Personality Disorder. I may have a mild case of this. I think you should read into that for yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2007): Dear friend, I read your story and I can relate to it as I am in a similar one myself. Certainly, I can understand that it is difficult to let go when I am in love as you are in love too. But in my case, my man has kissed me a couple of times, just enough to lead me to believe he cares, but he is otherwise kind of unresponsive to seeing me or comming over, calling or writing all of which I try to do for him. My summation of his behavior, which may apply to your man as well is that I do not mean as much to him as he does to me. If he was as mad about me as i am about him he would walk the freeway, if need be to get to me. My man does not do this. I can only conclude that I am carrying a torch for someone who does not love me. However, as sad as this realization is, I have to accept this and move on because If I believed that my man was the only one for me I was wrong and the sooner I realize this and move on the better Health I will have. I must get busy with myself, set some goals and love myself some. It is amazing to love someone so deeply, with out them responding. It is a mystery that we may never understand, I do know that it is extremely painful and puzzling as well. Remember, you are not alone a lot of girls go thru this my own case is like yours, but I have to stop writing my man and move on. I love you (seek the love within).
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reader, SusanInLove20 +, writes (26 January 2006):
SusanInLove20 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe are doing 100% better and through this experience of getting feedback I have learned NOT to change the way I am but to say...you know what..This is WHO I am.. I am in love with love,there is no wrong and right way to love.Those were hard times but I am who I am and I am not a wreck waiting to be put back together like people may explain. In a long term relationship the road may be bumpy but when you bring two people together no matter how strong the bond, life is still life and it has it's rough times..and there is no dintict explanation as to how things are being percieved. Love is Love and you'll know in your heart if it is real. David and I are blessed to have eachother and we are ready to get married and move towards our future. Every trial and tribulation is worth the fight because true love is amazing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2005): Susan, I think that you two are truly in love and need to stay together, obviously you need to work on your problem with being too dependent on him (believe me i understand how you feel, i am resolving my own problems with this and i feel so wonderful now) but you don't have to do this by breaking up! He sounds like a wonderful guy so have him help you with this issue, and as to the problem of stuff being "different", he told you why and apologized and work is a very legitimate reason. So...be more confident in yourself and find a small satisfying hobby that your bf is not a part of, enjoy the love that you two share and be happy.
good luck and tell us how it works out!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2005): well susan i can see how you feel. i used to have a problem being needy and clingy and i pushed more than one guy away. but i learned that everyone needs their personal space. they dont have to talk to you every moment and they dont always have to tell you they love you. just be happy to talk to him. but if you really feel that things are different then they probably are and i think you are going to have to face facts and realize that maybe this guy is not the one. it will be the hardest thing you ever have to do but i think it will be a healthy thing to do. remember you are still young and so is he, you two clearly are not in a position to get married or progress there is too much emotional baggage crowding the road. so i think you two need to sit down and talk and work things out, it will be difficult but worth it in the long run, maybe you can work things out and maybe not. and maybe you two need some time apart from one another to recollect your thoughts and your lives. so hopefully this helps. good luck
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reader, SusanInLove20 +, writes (9 October 2005):
In Conjunction with " Am I Too Dependant On The Man I Love?" (tagged Troubled Relationships)Don't get me wrong I truly understand and appreciate the comments and help. Although, it is more complicated then the posted summary. I decided after a lot of thinking, as hard as it was, to talk to my boyfriend and explain to him how I have been feeling and that I understand it is unhealthy for me to be so dependant and attached to him. I also mentioned as I have a million times that I couldn't wait around for him (to get married as he has been promising). After a long night of no sleep and never ending tears, I decided that maybe we couldn't be together, it may be better to give my self a chance to start over and attempt to rebuild my self esteem and independence..... because I love him and I want him to be able to feel seperate. I told him that I didn't want to put myself through hell anymore ( all of the nights when I cry) and that it wasn't his fault. I suggested that right now I need him to love me as a friend. With tears in my eyes, I told him that it would be okay....mutual. He didn't believe me until I bravely told him that it might be best to find a way to change his cell phone number so that I couldn't give in, and call or leave messages on his voice mail like I always end up doing. He finally asked me if this is what I wanted. I told him I couldn't feel this way any more and that it wasn't about him. He cried so hard he could barely speak and told me that he was sorry that he had been so distant and spaced out. He told me that I was everything and anything he has ever wanted and that I was his other half and he would love me until the day he died.That he had been working extra hard and he was going to propose to me this Christmas. Please help me, I love this man with all of my heart.
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reader, Becca42478 +, writes (6 October 2005):
A good book to read is the Dance of Anger.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2005): Gosh Susan-now I am really confused. You just wrote in to say how harsh, everyone on this posting is?? Then you go on to say you and your bf are close?? Didn't you say in your original letter- "I wait for his calls, I wait to see him. He doesn't call, He is too tired to hang out. He does take the time to talk and tell me he loves me with all of his heart but I feel like that just isn't the same. He is always spaced out, he doesn't look me in my eyes anymore. When I cry ..he hangs up on me. Then I go into break down stage and tear apart our relationship in my mind. I even text him how I feel and he is one of those people who words mean everything, so he freaks and doesn't call me for days. Until I apologize...which I do because I go crazy without him in my life." Susan, no one here is condemning you. They just see it like it is. You really have issues and you need to stop being in denial. You are clinging to him-you are wearing him down, girl. Remember, actions speak louder than words. He may love you right NOW...but he certainly is acting like a man who is losing interest fast and becoming quite frustrated with your "suffocating," needy behaviours. Think about this. Get some help, so you can love him back in a strong, healthy way. Good Luck
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reader, SusanInLove20 +, writes (6 October 2005):
you guys are being a little harsh. Remember we are very close.
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reader, TRUITY +, writes (5 October 2005):
Girl you need to GET A LIFE! Good relationships are built on interdependency, not co-depenency. Get a job your interested in, study something, but get a life. There is nothing worse than someone sucking the life out of you by being needy - its the fastest way to kill a relationship.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 October 2005):
 I think Irish hit the nail on the head. You are draining him dry. This vampire behavior has to stop. But you have the answer in your own letter. Yes, you do need to grow up and seek therapy. I think you've known this all along. Now do it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2005): Susan-he's pulling away from you. Your problem isn’t that your boyfriend doesn't love you-it’s that you don’t love yourself enough and he's seeing that. Hun, your heart is like an emotional container that’s empty, and you desperately needs him to fill you up, only there’s a hole in the bottom, so no matter how much he gives you, it will never be enough, and you’ll always crave more. Although you appear to be 'giving' in your desire to be with him, you're actually 'taking'. Your feeding off of his attention, his presence, his energy and he's emotionally drained, hun. Healthy relationships are not clingy and suffocating. Realize that having an independent separateness from your bf is good. Self-sufficiency; high self-esteem; not seeking unconditional love, constantly; believing in equality and personal power in yourself & your partner and having outside interests, friends and a life beyond your world with your bf, is so crucial.
Sometimes, people who seem to “love too much” are almost always coming off desperately needy, seeking to distract themselves from their past (childhood) pain with a temporary dose of love & affection. They can become easily compulsive and obsessed. You have been very hurt in your life and you may have an emotional wound that will not heal until you deal with it at it’s source. You have specific unhealthy behaviors and love habits that may cause this relationship to fail. By paying attention to these unhealthy love habits, and committing to new, healthy behavioral choices, you have a great chance of avoiding a break up. But you have to seek help now and I think you realize this, Susan. You just haven’t wanted to face it, because it means confronting your past inner demons. You need to rebuild your self-worth again and you need the opportunity to begin healing your emotional wounds so you can love your bf, in a healthy, independent, way. It’s time for you to love yourself enough to know you don’t deserve to be a prisoner to your own emotional pain. By writing in for advice, you’ve just taken the first step in healing yourself and acknowledging the existence of your emotional baggage. Sadly, most people in the world will never even admit that their past experiences are emotionally handicapping them in their present lives, and therefore will never have the opportunity to experience what I call “true emotional freedom”. I define emotional freedom as the freedom to live as the person you want to be, and love as much as you want to love. It’s freedom from the past to be all you can in the present. By trying to understand your old, unhealthy love choices, and then make new, healthy love choices which will heal your old fear and build a new healthy love with your bf. No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change. So call a counselor today and start helping yourself...I wish you luck, Susan.
Hugs,
Irish
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reader, wwww.datinghaven.com +, writes (5 October 2005):
Well, you have got him wrong and need to move on, he doesnt want you, if he was that nice he wouldnt hang up when you start crying.
You would have to talk but i dont think he any longer feels the same about you and probably is seeing someone else.
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