A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Okay, my question is complicated. And, I don't know where to start, as it's a long story... So, I will backtrack a bit and start from the beginning. *deep breath* In 2006, I fell for one of my best friends (who was a friend of mine for almost 5 years), and up until early 2009, had a wonderful, and very serious relationship with him that lasted almost 2 1/2 years. (And yes, it was my first love) And then, almost over night, and while we were having a death in my family, he suddenly became verbally and emotionally abusive. To this day I don't fully know exactly WHAT changed in his head, but it was like he became a different person, and for almost 7 months he strung me along, being back and forth between affectionate or abusive, before he finally set me up by telling me we were going to celebrate our 3rd anniversary, and then bailed on me at the last moment- then broke up with me in an e-mail a few days later. The last thing I ever remember him saying to me was "I can think of many more ways to hurt you." Needless to say, after being mistreated with put-downs, mind games, insults, and neglect for months and lied to by a man who was a big part of my life for almost 8 years, I was devastated. I was so depressed I nearly dropped out of college because I lost all inspiration and joy in my field. Nothing I normally enjoyed phased me. The world had stopped. Granted, I was already suffering horrible depression from the moment he started mistreating me AS my grandma was dying, but this made me fall into an even deeper fog than the one I was in during summer. It took me well over a year to rediscover myself, and a LOT of support (and patience!) from my friends (formerly his friends too, as they seemed to lose respect for him) to keep me on my feet when I was a danger to myself. Well. And, I think I have come a long way- from nearly dropping out of school, I am now about to graduate in a few weeks, and there are some promising job opportunities awaiting. I am still haunted by the sadness and every day is part of the healing process, but I do think I've improved a lot.However, where I have not improved is "moving on." And this is where another friend comes into the picture...A couple months ago, I realized that I could name about 6 guys on my hand who were interested in me. I felt no inspiration to pursue a relationship with any one, let alone TRUST anyone. But now the very real probability of a relationship just reared it's ugly face at me. My ex, I'll call him "Lee", was one friend of a whole group I belonged to back in the day. All our friends were mutual. He had another friend he introduced, who I will call "Wolf". These two considered each other to be brothers. But, some odd months after I got with Lee, Wolf got a girlfriend, too. Though, Wolf's new girl was EXTREMELY controlling- so much so that she banned him from his friends. :/ So, after a while, he dropped off the face of the earth. Now we can fast forward to early spring last year: A few months after Lee dumped me via e-mail, Wolf got back in touch with me as his relationship had just ended-- and after coming out of his own Lala Land, he discovered his old circle of friends had changed and wanted to know what happened. I couldn't even bring myself to talk about it to my ex's best friend, so he let me be, and then tried to talk to Lee. No luck, Lee flat out said he didn't want to talk about it. So, Wolf decided to play detective and ask other witnesses before he finally went back to asking me the story. I was too scared to talk to him because of my trust issues, and because I know how close he was to my ex. They were best friends- they considered each other to be brothers. Well. I decided to take a leap of faith, give Wolf a chance, and tell him the story- that Lee unexpectedly started mistreating me over night and how it went on for months before he set me up, and left me with no closure- nothing. Wolf was shocked, but was a supportive listener anyway.He's one of those friends who I realized a couple months ago likes me. (which is already awkward considering the history) But, I still had a hard time trusting him further--- or seeing sincerity in anyone.Wolf then made a real effort to help me out; he got my things back from my ex, and then proceeded to talk with him and came back with real closure (which really did help- I needed to know what changed, and why I was being treated that way). His help answered a lot of questions, but raised more. Still, he went to levels that none of any (former) mutual friends between me and Lee did or could: found answers, got my stuff back, and even defended me! Needless to say, Wolf won my trust. But I still don't feel ready for a relationship. I'm kinda scared at the thought. Despite that, we have been helping each other out a lot; I stayed up with him when he was on the verge of a break down from his previous relationship (which as also his first), and he did all the closure homework for me.And.... Here is where it gets complicated. We've (Wolf and I) been talking a lot. I was hanging out with him this weekend--- We had a day out with my friends (I didn't sleep the previous night since I am still a student) and after a long drive, we didn't trust me driving home since I was running on 46+ hours without sleep--- and, next thing I knew, we were cuddling. ....and kissing. I stayed the night with him (don't worry, we didn't do anything past cuddling- he knows I have boundaries.) And now I don't know what to do. D: or how to feel. On the one hand, I felt cherished. And a strange sort of inner peace that I have not felt for a long while. On the other. I felt extremely confused. I still do. ._. I realize I do have feelings for him.But I also realize I don't think I can ever love another like I loved Lee (who now won't talk to Wolf). I can't enter into a relationship with as much zest, or trust as freely. If I can't enter a new relationship with as much enthusiasm, is that fair to the new guy? Should I wait on it? I will be graduating in a month, and then what? I see him less as my ex's best friend, but more as my friend- but.... I don't know what to do or where to go with this. ._. It's like walking in front of a bullet. I just spent how long trying to mend my heart? :/ And now am I supped to throw it to the wolves again?Well, if you made it this far, and have some advice, of any kind, that would be nice. Because, I am kinda scared. (Wolf noticed that aspect.)
View related questions:
a break, anniversary, best friend, broke up, depressed, emotionally abusive, kissing, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2011): Same poster here again; and thank you so much for your advice and understanding. :) And, no worries on the metaphors; they make more sense to me. You've both given me a lot of thought, with less anxiety. Thanks 3
A
female
reader, MaryB +, writes (27 April 2011):
First off, I would like to say how sorry I am that you had to endure such treatment from a person you loved deeply and I certainly know how you are feeling - I too am 1yr. out of a 7yr. relationship and still have not been able to move on completely, although time has helped with the healing somewhat. It's also, understandable that you would be scared to give yourself completely to someone else especially, when you had no idea why he abruptly changed the way he felt about you. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do now to change what happened but, you do need to realize that what he did to you was not because of anything you did or the way you were, it was all about him. What he did was insensitive and cruel to say the least nd he is the one who will have to live with that fact.As far as Wolf goes and anyone else who might be interested in you- nothing says that you need to totally involve yourself with these guys emotionally. You still need time to heal and I don't think that you are quite there yet. Spend time enjoying yourself dating or just hanging out. You don't need to be in a relationship with these guys to enjoy their company nor do you owe them anything more than you are willing to give. Anyone you became involved with right now would most likely be a rebound and that is not fair to them, either. As time goes on you will know when you are ready to become romantically involved with someone and chances are great it won't be either one of those guys. Don't be so hard on yourself- work on getting your confidence back and enjoying life with all it has to offer. You deserve to be happy but, knowone else can do that for you. Happiness is a choice... only you can make yourself happy and I'm sure that day will come soon enough! Take care!
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 April 2011):
 You are scared. And this is new. It's not the first time you've entered a relationship, but it is the first time you get with someone new after having ended a relationship.
There are no guarantees in love, to set that straight. There is no guarantee Wolf wont be an ass in a year and go psycho on you, break your heart, go abusive, get distant, love dies, or fades away. There's no telling if he's a wonderful match for your either, long lasting, filling you with happiness, maybe even become a part of your family.
When entering a relationship there are no guarantees. You can avoid the ones with red flags, the ones you know from the start won't work. But Wolf doesn't have any of these red flags. It's just scary, thats all. Scary, weird, new, but he sounds like a good man. And more so, he sounds like a man who truly cares about you.
He knows the story. He knows what you went through. That's good.
Then it's the point of you being "damaged" in a way, your heart might not have healed completely? When your heart has healed, it will be ready to love again, and can love just as strongly. But, every love will be different. You can never love Wolf like you loved Lee, but there is nothing wrong about that. I can never love someone with so much passion as I loved my first guy who I was in a serious relationship with. And I have given it a lot of thought, and this is how I view it: The love I had with my first serious boyfriend was like yours, and most likely like most first true loves are. Passionate like a fire, burning so strongly, blindly, so much naivity, but so much dedication, faith and most of all passion. Like a fire burning crazy, doesn't care what gets burned as long as the fire breathes. And then when you come out of it, and the fire has died, it has also burned up a huge chunk of you. And there is nothing left.
I was completely empty after that myself.
But I also knew then that a love burning with such passion is dangerous. It can burn out of control, and hurt you so deeply, and it is blind in it's passion. Instead I would seek love like, and excuse my overuse of metaphors, like water. Or a river. Calming, deep, strong. Long lasting, taking it's time to get where it's supposed to get, and that goes deeper and deeper, and continues to grow but in both depth and strength and size, and with time. Something you can sit and observe sort of without being frightened. Something that doesn't always take your breath away and throws you into a hurl, but that is steady, loyal, you know it is there, and you know it is solid. Use another metaphor that suits you if water doesn't work. But I think you know the difference in love I speak of.
You will love again, and not less, but in a different way. Because you have learned to not let yourself get eaten up by fire, and you, and probably Wolf as well, have learned that this fire of passion is not what makes a good relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): Same poster here, continuing my question. I realized there are parts I have left off.
Over the past two months, Wolf also had a girlfriend of sorts- basically, this girl was using him, and earlier this month, she called it off between the two of them. (I warned him this would happen...) That, alone should have been enough to keep him in the "friend" zone- which is why the fact that I found myself cuddling him this weekend such a shock.
And now to add another issue to the complication.
I know another guy who likes me. We just very recently met (and Wolf was with me at the time o.O ) and he asked if Wolf was a friend or more than a friend, and I told him we were just chums. But, this is before I found myself cuddling with him. Well, this new fellow, feeling more confident, decided to confess how he feels---- and I don't know what to say to EITHER of these guys! D:
So. I am kinda freaking out. :( I really, really don't know what to do. I feel like I have played hearts. ._.;
Please help.
...............................
|
