A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello all,This is a bit long with some rambling. But please please....bear with me and read on. Let me begin by giving some background info: I am a 24 year old male and I've been single all my life. And my trouble is, my being single has been bothering me very much especially for the last one and a half years or so. I mean, even before that, it used to bother me...but not much. I guess I had a healthy social life before and that distracted me from this. But ever since I started Graduate school...Oh God!! (By the way, I will be graduating with a Masters degree in Engineering from a top notch school on May 20th this year). Grad school has been a very alienating experience for me. Try as I might, I've never been able to make friends (I am constantly surrounded by a bunch of nerds who have absolutely zero social skills whatsoever and who take pride in proving others wrong). I stay alone in my apartment. My family rarely calls me. This loneliness added to the pressures of graduate school even drove to mild depression. But owing to my own efforts and God's grace, I am OK now. And I think, this loneliness has sort of made me "yearn" for a partner(girlfriend or wife). I have read books on coping with loneliness and I make an effort to :1. Go out and socialize more often.2. I've joined groups/clubs to participate in activities that interest me.Also, I am not very desperate and don't salivate at the sight of any woman. I understand that love will happen in the least expected circumstances and am ready to wait for the right one to come along. Also I remind myself time and again that - "I am my own sun....I am the source of my happiness.....I don't need a woman to bring happiness for me or fill a "void" in my life....etc"Ok. All the above were positive thoughts and you must be thinking I am a level-headed guy. Here is the problem:MY PROBLEM:_______________________________________________________I cannot stand the sight of any couple walking on the street holding hands, or kissing, or even looking deeply into each other's eyes. I cannot bear to see any form of public display of affection among couples. Immediately, I sense a strange feeling inside of me which I would describe as a mixture of:(a) Jealousy(b) Self-pity(c) A decrease in self-esteem and confidenceAnd it takes a while for me to recover and until then I sulk. In fact, I have stopped seeing any sort of movie that involves boyfriend-girlfriend, hooking up or husband-wife and also stopped listening to songs with similar themes. I am ashamed of doing this. I know that what I am doing is very immature and wrong.I am afraid that this jealousy will burn my own soul and make me a repulsive person. I want to stop this. I want to be comfortable being single in an environment where:(a)I am surrounded by couples(b)The "hook-up culture" is the norm(c)Singles are looked down uponI mean, all these days, when I encountered couples who were of my age, I used to say to myself - "I wonder how long they are going to be together...for all I know, they could have just met an hour back in a pub. I am not like these immature guys who are whiling away their time. I am not sleeping around, I am not wasting myself in pubs and discos and THAT IS WHY, I am able to make something worthwhile out of my life" - This is what I used to tell myself all these years. But I no longer say this to myself anymore.Nowadays, I feel all my academic excellence, prestigious awards, degrees from top schools ultimately count to a naught. So my question is NOT about - "How to get myself a girlfriend". I am taking steps for that and willing to wait for the right one. My question is about being comfortable being single when everything around me makes me pine for togetherness.Thank you all for reading this looooong thing. I would greatly appreciate your help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): Wow, thats like reading about myself. Congradulations, for working so hard on your education!!, but i felt the same when i finished university, i just threw myself into my studies so i was less focused on getting a boyfriend, and now that im finished my education its like a big empty hole in my life and every single one of my friends are in serious, committed, long term relationships.I can relate to everything your said in your post. You say you know you have to make your own happiness, you know that but you really need to believe it, and do activities, sports, that bring out the best in you and join clubs without any agenda to meet a girlfriend out of it, do it for you! put getting a girlfriend to the back of your mind, i kno thats hard,but if your mind is on other things you won't be trying so hard, you'll be at your best and it might just happen,well thats my plan.Its not that there is anything wrong with you, you just had other priorities at the time, same as myself. I firmly believe it will happen when its mean't to and the right person won't pass you by. You have to believe that otherwise you will get very down.So relax, don't stress rome wasn't built in a day and when you have a girlfriend that you love you will appreciate her and what you have together and feel content in life.
A
male
reader, loveonce  +, writes (27 April 2011):
 look,your feeling lonely is pretty logical.
tell me if you do not want a girl then why feel down,jealous,self pity etc. at sights of couple..
In fact the problem which is there is of Emotional discontentment,you may be lacking friends with mental compatibilities with whom you can share your heart and who can understand you well and show you a path.
Then why not such a friend be a girl??
Look you said you would be letting things like love etc. at their own pace ,with the flow of time,but will any miracle happen?you will have to make the things happen.And if you are waiting for true love to come in future,itself,then i do not think it's the perfect way!
just go on a couple of dating stuffs..find the people with your mental compatibilities and have friendship with them.
And not only girls,the clubs and societies which you have joined,keep on searching nice persons regardless of gender.
you have enough qualification..will have a good profession and life..so why feeling that much down regarding affections,it will be there in abundance,just keep on giving affection in abundance,you will receive a lot!!
remove that lonely word from your life,hang out with a lot of friends...
As far as the feeling of repulsion for couples is concerned..you are lacking confidence ,probably by reminding yourself the fact that you are single.....and the thought which are coming to you (why the couple are there,what their motive is,they are together for a while etc.)are just the subconscious defense of your "single"ness.Being single is not a big deal.Give yourself courage,which should reflect in your body language..and soon you will find the things going better..rather than criticizing people for their relations appreciate them until you do not have enough reasons to criticize them.
just work optimistically and let go negativity...you will soon be having a nice friend,which i wish,though you do not directly want,be a girl.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): Flirt. and i know it may not seem like the perfect solution but a) girls will notice you and b)you'll build up your confidence and finally c)You won't feel so distressed about couples kissing and cuddling and enjoying each others company.
My question though is why do you want to be single? go out and find a girlfriend it'll give you experience and be able to connect with someone on a deeper level and even if you only feel that connection once you won't be repulsed by couples you'll think back to that time and think "hey that feeling was nice" all I'm saying is flirt interact with
the opposite sex , and if for some reason you want to be single and cope with seeing couples you can surround yourself with good people and go out and do fun things b e social and distract yourself like you've done before but than again that is going down a shaky path it's good and bad . you won't be able to distract yourself forever , you'll eventually want to settle down. hope things work out much love 3
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