A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have very little interest in sex and it has become a huge problem in my marriage(understandably). I honestly do not care if I ever have sex again... it's just not important to me and I really don't get much out of it. I really have never had an interest in sex and I don't know why(and no, I've never been molested, etc. and I'm not a lesbian). I used to just go though with the act of sex to try to keep my husband happy, but a year ago I decided I couldn't force myself to do it anymore... So my husband and I only had sex 3 times in the past year and he's very, very upset about it. He is a wonderful person and I feel horrible that I'm hurting him, but I just can't keep forcing myself to do something I don't want to do, especially something so intimate. I am just wondering if there are other women out there like me? Right now I feel like a freak and very alone... My mom and sister know about my situation and can't understand why I don't want to have sex with my husband or what's "wrong" with me. I should also add that I've been going to sex therapy for the past 2 months and so far it hasn't really helped. If I don't fix this problem soon my marriage is in serious danger of ending, which makes me really sad. Additional info: I am 29, been married 3 years, have a 2 yr old and work full time. Sex is not painful to me in any way, it is just uncomfortable in the fact that I don't feel like being there or being touched.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 November 2013):
 If you aren't comfortable with sex why did you marry?
"I just can't keep forcing myself to do something I don't want to do, especially something so intimate." Most people would agree that being intimate with a spouse is what keeps the marriage together and if you feel so uncomfortable with being intimate with your husband then maybe it's best not to be married any longer.
I think you aren't really into the therapy and are going through the motions so that you don't have to feel guilty for being averse to sexual intimacy.
Maybe it's not sex therapy that you need, maybe your hormones are out of whack.
If you don't get much out of it, that tells me you've never experienced an orgasm.
If you really want to save the marriage then you need to put on a full-court press and work all your options for a year. Be sure your husband is part of any therapy as appropriate.
This would all be moot if your husband was as uninterested in or averse to physical intimacy as you are; however, he is not, so part of your planning forward process and decision tree should include letting him go so he can enjoy the fullness of sexual love and intimacy and that you aren't forced into sexual intimacy that you are unable to enjoy or participate in.
Full court press for a year, together, then if nothing works, well, then, let him go.
P.S. I hope none of this issue is being translated to your child, it would be a great pity to set up your 2 year old for future problems because you two haven't dealt with your own.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 November 2013):
 I feel your husband's pain. It sucks when your spouse has no drive. They can tell you from now till the cows come home how attractive you and how much they love you but if they don't WANT to be physically intimate with you... it's killer on the ego and the emotions. You think about leaving... I'm sure you husband is thinking about leaving and I can't say at your age I blame him. I'm older and I can survive... but if I was 20 years younger I'd be leaving...
But back to your part of the issue... NO drive.
I assume your sex therapist has sent you for a complete medical work up? Hormone levels? Screened for depression? When you see your GYN are they wise enough to ask about your sex life? IF not you should bring it up.. .NO DRIVE may mean you are asexual but it may be a hormone imbalance or a lack of serotonin...
you are married three years with a 2 yr old so you got pregnant almost right after you got married.... or did you get married because you were pregnant? Pregnancy can mess with drive. Working full time and having a 2 year old and running a home... I would NOT interested in sex for months on end.
I was a SAHM I had two under the age of 3 and I was nursing both of them the hubby would come home and go to hug me and I would NOT let him. I would say to him "I'm all touched out you may touch me ABOVE the shoulders or BELOW the knees" so I get your not liking being touched.
I love what YouWish has written and please read it again from me.... This is NOT YOUR PROBLEM ALONE... this is your HUSBAND'S problem as well. Does he know you are seeing a sex therapist? Have you considered that having him join you in therapy may help?
He may even find the ability to be more patient with this issue if he knows you are working to resolve it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2013): Check out a website called AVEN. You could be asexual.
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A
male
reader, massage +, writes (10 November 2013):
 you need to pan a vacation sort of Honeymoon and remind yourself why you fell in love with him in the first place. it's probably because you are always exhausted Full time and caring for the 2 years old kid plus probably taking care of the other chores ..so you feel beat, if not physically., it's emotionna;;y. Take a vacation just the two of you (I know you love your kid, but he'sll survive over grandma's for a small period of time). approach sex differently, don't get to it right the way, start by massages, play with each other's hair, stare at your partner's beautiful features. Also If the woman isn't feeling good about herself she may not do it. treat yourself to a saloon, get a new look, buy a beautiful sexy night robe. sexy underwear...ect. Good luck my dear, your husband is a champion for waiting for you this long.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2013): I understand not wanting sex sometimes. But chronically is a mystery to me.What's not to like about orgasms? Whats not to like about being cuddled by the one you love? What's not to like about your partner showing his desire for you? The fact that you don't want to be touched by your husband (I'm assuming this includes cuddling in general not just hands on your vagina or breasts during the act) sounds important. Think about that. If the problem is that it makes you feel vulnerable, then I would ask why feeling vulnerable still scares you so much even with someone you deeply trust. Maybe there is something there. Why does it feel "bad" to have sex? What does that mean? Is the idea dirty? Is it physically uncomfortable? Etc.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 November 2013):
 If you're not feeling sexual attraction to *anyone* and it's not just your husband that you find sex to be an aversion to, then it could be medical or hormonal. Are you taking anti-depressants, blood pressure medicine, or other medications with a libido-reducing side effect? Just like anorexia could be a symptom of something really serious health-wise, a lack of libido can signal the same, so you owe it to your marriage to rule that out. You also have a kid, so it's possible that your hormones never recovered from the pregnancy/birth, which happens a lot more than you think!
Otherwise, to say in a marriage "I can't do it anymore! I'm not having sex with you because I don't like it" would be like a guy refusing to tell his wife he loves her or not take her out on dates or cuddle or hug or tell her she's beautiful or make any attempt at an emotional connection because it does nothing for him, but he expects her to give him sex anytime he feels horny. We'd jump all over him for selfishly denying his wife, right?
Marriage is give and take. Not everyone is in the mood all the time, but we do things because we love our spouse! You're in sex therapy, so that is good. But you can do things out of love for him while you're going through this therapy. Hell, even when I was recovering from surgery and physically barred from sex itself, I let my hands (and other things!) do a lot of walking, and it was easy and fun!
To a guy, nothing says "I love you" like sex. And sexual appetite is like food appetite, he *has* to sate it. No, he won't die like you would from not eating food, but he will get relief from somewhere if it isn't with you. Masturbation, porn, escorts, cheating, strip clubs, happy endings from massages, he needs sexual relief, and guys do express their love by physical union.
Why aren't BOTH of you in sex therapy?? That's important for both of you to learn, and if he thinks sex is nothing but "Brace yourself because I'm going from zero to ejaculate in 35 seconds" or not willing to try sex toys or prolonged clitoral stimulation, then there's a lot to learn on both sides! The act of actual vaginal intercourse doesn't stimulate MOST women!
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (10 November 2013):
 My first instinct is that you're not having sex with the right person. Maybe you just don't have chemistry with your husband. That you love him in a best friend kind of way, but not in a jump his bones kind of way.
There's nothing wrong with not enjoying sex - there are plenty of women who don't for various reasons. But most often it's because they're not having sex with a person who excites them and gets them hot and bothered.
It seems like you've tried, with the sex therapy and sticking it out for so long... but if you're just not into him physically, then you're just not into him physically. He may be a wonderful guy, and you may be a wonderful woman - but maybe you're just not each other's wonderful person. He deserves someone who is into him and who can participate in this part of a marriage, and you deserve someone who excites you - or is at least on the same page as you and not interested in sex.
I think it's time for you to step back and really think about what is best for you and your husband. To me it sounds like the best thing may be both of you going your separate ways. Best of luck!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (10 November 2013):
 "Sexual" is one of the compatibilities which is critical to a long-term relationship or marriage.... (The others are: energy, education, political, inquisitiveness, and I suppose there are others....)....
IF two people prove - over the long term - to be incompatible, sexually, then they have to reconcile to themselves that they are NOT adequetely compatible to continue that relationship or marriage.
It's painful/hurtful... but it's a fact of life. Accept it, and move on....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (10 November 2013):
 I am not in your situation but am aware that there are many other women and men who have little interest in sex. Is it how you have always been? If so it could be your genetics and who you are as a person. It might not be something you can change unless you want to? Would you be happier never having sex again or would you like to enjoy it?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2013): This probably isn't what you want to hear but I was and now am back in this situation.I was with my ex partner for 7 years, before this I had 3 sexual partners. Every single one of them I went through with sex because I thought it was expected of me, in a relationship. Don't get me wrong I did get horny and want it at times but as soon as it came down to me I felt like crying and many time after I would cry about it. I really hated it. I put up with it for 5 years in my relationship with my ex then had to tell him I couldn't do it anymore. he felt it was him being unattractive but I assured him it wasn't it was all me. Eventually this tore us apart. I cant blame him. That was two years ago. I've had 2 sexual partners since. The first one I could have sex with him over and over again. He wasn't particularly attractive and I wasn't in love with him but there was something about him that really made me enjoy it for the first time in my life. I was really relieved. But for other reasons we didn't work out. I've been with my current partner for 5 months and again hate sex and again am completely stuck.I would ask you to think about whether you have always hated sex. If you have ever found anyone that you enjoyed sex with? It may just be that you haven't found anyone who you are sexually compatible with? This probably wont help as I know it wont help me but can you not speak to your husband about trying out different positions or acting out fantasies or even maybe just doing foreplay? This may relieve some of the attention. I really do hope you figure this one out. But I can assure you your not alone!
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A
male
reader, pankaj.joy  +, writes (10 November 2013):
 see i feel yor problem is much simmier to the people working full time i suggest you should plan a good vacation to some where else you just need a to know how u love himand trust me sex is not every thing it is a free natural media of expressing feelings.you must have trouble with expressing your feelingspls try to understand sex is not life its part of life so no worries jus try to express yor feelings verbalythen automaticaly you will find the solution
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2013): This is not something your husband, a healthy male, signed up for! You are correct, if this continues it will lead to either him cheating or divorcing you. Sex is an important component of marriage. Why should he stop doing something he loves because you don't? It's the way men express love and feel closer to their wives. Denying him that is cruel.
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