A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I love someone I cant have and I don't know how I can get over him.I was with my boyfriend for 8 years. I started working in a new job last summer. There was a guy there who I immediately hit it off with. We had so much in common and we instantly became friends. We ended up literally sharing everything, the first person I went to with a problem was him and vice versa. The thing is I've never had a best friend who was a guy before. Sure I've been part of a group where I would say guys were my friends but nothing like this. Anyway last xmas the guy when away for 2 weeks over xmas. He texted me whilst he was away and even rang me on xmas day but I realised how much I missed him and how I was so sad that he wasn't around that's when I realised I had totally fell for him. I was so annoyed at myself as I hadn't seen it coming. Anyway I knew nothing could happen, I didn't want to jeopardise our friendship and I wanted to remain with my long term boyfriend, plus this guy had a girlfriend who was really sweet. So I started to distance myself and focused on my relationship with my boyfriend. However the guy from work at house party for his birthday in February. My boyfriend was at work so couldn't come but everyone at work was going so I thought yeah it'll be fine. (the guy from works girlfriend was away travelling so also want there but I didn't know this at the time). When there were only a few people left I thought I better leave as I didn't want to be left alone with him. He saw me to the door and stepped outside with me. As my taxi pulled up, he gave me a hug and then kissed me, I kissed him back. But only briefly and then pulled away and ran to my taxi. I know it sounds corny but it was the most amazing thing ever. I felt completely overwhelmed. Literally like fireworks were going off. I texted him once I was home and apologised for running and he text back saying sorry it shouldn't have happened I hope your ok. Since then my love for him has grown. I have since applied for other jobs and got one so left the company in June. I still couldn't get the guy out of my head so broke up with my long term boyf in August as it wasn't fair on him. The guy from work is still with his gf. He texts me every now and then but only maybe once every few weeks and I literally reply as not to be rude but do no initiate conversation. Yet I feel more madly in love with him than ever.I feel like I've done everything I can to get over him. What else can I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2014): Oh, do I know the feeling.
You long for someone that makes you feel good. However; you must accept the circumstances as they are. You ended your relationship on the hopes of connecting with the other guy; instead of ending your old relationship, because it wasn't working for you. It wasn't fulfilling enough.
Time heals most wounds. I can't say it heals them all; because we have a memory, and old pain sometimes will always haunt us. However; the intensity of that pain lessens and lessens; until it is just a dull tug at your heartstrings. Some disappears never to return. My favorite kind.
My dear, it also takes your will to move on. Not allowing yourself to remain stuck in one place. When you see your environment has changed; you must change to adapt to your present surroundings. You don't fight to make time stand still or go backward. That is a fight you will surely lose.
We are always searching for the right person. You may have distorted his intentions; and a moment left the wrong impression on your feelings.
Now you must move on. The kiss was just a kiss. If at a party, alcohol was a factor in lowering your inhibitions and averting better judgement. That rests on both of you.
He realizes he cares for his girlfriend. You were always searching for an escape from your old boyfriend. You still see him as a your lifeboat from your sinking relation(ship).
He's not. He was a good friend. Just that.
He is another woman's boyfriend, and apparently he wishes to remain so. Take that as part of the medicine necessary to help you heal and move on. You look to guys for healing. You are weak and needy. This is not an insult. It is a unprofessional, but heartfelt, diagnosis of your present condition. I recognize it, because I've been there.
Honestly, my heart always reaches out to people lost in their grief. I know what that feels like. Perhaps comforting those people also comforts me. I have moved on and I know that it has to be a conscious and deliberate effort. It takes will. It takes determination to accept the truth, and then you are free. The mind must be able to go through the necessary processes to remove the ties that bind, and in order for the soul to be set free.
In your case, for the time-being; no serious dating.
Just flirtations and hanging out with friends. You need to stay socially-active; but place less emphasis on making romantic connections.
You have an addiction to relationships. You need them in order to survive, they help you hide something inside that you need time to work on. You need to be single. You need healing, to regain a sense of your independence; and to stop clinging to men for strength.
You must survive on your own strength for a while. Stop being consumed by things that bother you. Learn to be happy and secure, in spite of setbacks and drama. Drawing on your own internal-strength. It's hard, but you can do it.
I offer you this advice from the bottom of my heart. I feel you more than you may know. It's time to just make yourself happy, stop being caught-up in drama and sadness.
Just enjoy life without worrying about attachments. Worrying if you'll ever get married, or have a long-term relationship. Living in distress over it.
You don't "need" a man. If you do, you "need" work.
You should "want" companionship and romance for all the healthy reasons. Not out of dependency. When you mentioned taking your problems to him, that was the convicting evidence. He was a problem-solver. Ding ding ding ding ding!!!
They will come and they will go. You must learn to survive in-between, and not rely on them for the sake of your happiness. That's your job to create for yourself; not look to others to provide it for you. You are sad, because you think happiness is having a boyfriend. No, it only adds to the happiness that should already be there; and it allows you to help enhance the happiness in others in general.
Enjoy being a woman. Give being a girlfriend a rest, while you heal and work on yourself. You have problems with relating to men; because you don't know your own strength and will become emotionally-dependent. Then mistake it for love.
You are now under repair. You shouldn't look for romantic-love; until you're happy enough to love yourself without men for painkillers.
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