A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My daughter's Dad and I is starting to get along better, again. We've been spending time a lot together and he's been making dinner for me, you know... quality time. Starting all over.There's a couple times last week when I just showed up to his apartment unannounced because I was on a big break for work. He finally said something today, "you should call before you come over"... that makes me think he's hiding or someone from me. When he said that, I just left out the door. I was pretty upset. He's cheated on me, twice in the past. I left him for that. I'm trying to get over that but it's hard not to. Am I taking it the wrong way?
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female
reader, Desiree562 +, writes (24 July 2010):
Ok my first thought is why are you even considering having a relationship with him again? After all, he's already hurt you twice. Maybe you need to think more about that.
It's not wrong for someone to want you to call first before you come over. I like for people to call before they come to my house and it isn't because I have anything to hide but I do value my privacy. What's more, this would extend to my significat other as well.
However, the reason you are questioning his comment is because of the history which again brings me back to my first question Why are you considering getting involved with someone who has hurt you twice? Perhaps there is more that we don't know but based on the little you have said. I'd suggest really looking inside for the answers.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses. I am all grateful.
We've talked about it. It started off as a decent conversation, coming to an understanding however, as usual, it turned into an argument. He was already having a bad day, that's not my fault that he is, and when I popped up, he said what he said to me. I was really hurt. Yes, you are right!! He should be going the extra mile to prove that he's trustworthy.
As far as calling before coming over, he didn't have a problem with that. But I do understand where all of you are coming from.
Thanks, again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): Have you guys discussed getting back together? Has a new relationship been established? If not, I think it's inappropriate to stop by his place unannounced. He probably was thinking that the first time you did it but didn't want to say something unless it was repeated. If he's hiding someone, who cares? You guys aren't together. (unless I'm missing something here) If you guys are starting to date again, that still means you need to give him his space. The fact that he cheated before should be irrelevant if you've chosen to forgive him. You need to treat him as anyone. Show him you can trust him. But you can't be expecting that he'll come out with all of his secrets if you guys are not on that level again. I think you shouldn't have gotten upset and run out od there. But that's already passed. what you should do now is apologize to him for over stepping your boundaries and then take that time to discuss your relationship. Tell him how you're feeling and what you'd want from him if you're thinking of starting up a romance again. If he's not receptive to this, perhaps he doesn't want to get involved again or at least right now. Sometimes people like to date without being exclusive and he probably won't tell you if there's somoneone else if knows how you'll react. It's good that you're spending quality time with him. Look at this a repairing a bad relationship or being great friends for the sake of your child. A great friendship should be the foundation of a good relationship anyway.
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A
male
reader, Stroller  +, writes (19 March 2008):
 It's not uncommon for Martians to confuse the meaning of Venetian's words, and vice versa, but in this case it's not worth worrying about whether he means "i might have a chick in my bed" or "i'd like to have the house tidy".
He's your ex, who you've known a long time, and if you can't communicate by now then there's no point in bothering.
He's the one who cheated in the past, so it's his responsibility to go the extra mile. He should be glad to see you anytime, and should be chuffed to bits that you want to pop in spontaneously to see him.
That he wants you to make prearrangements to see him means that he's either not really geared up for the level of relationship you should be on, or he doesn't perceive spending time a lot together and making dinner for you in the same romantic light you do (although cooking you dinner - maybe he thinks he can get a shag out of you).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): One would think that a guy who has a history of cheating on you, and wants back in your life..would do everything within his power to reassure you he is no longer that man. That is the least you should be expecting.
I suggest you talk to him about what he said to you. The longer you go without confronting him, the more conned and devastated, you will feel if you find out he's been cheating, yet again. I am not stating he is doing that-we don't know for sure, do we. But his history is preventing you from completely trusting him and you want to get there. So, yes, you have a right to tell him what effect his words had on you. I think you are truely feeling like your heart is going to get stomped on again. So this big, big issue of trust is crucial to get worked out here.
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (19 March 2008):
 When you say "starting over again" do you mean starting a relationship over again?Maybe he just wants to know when someone is coming over.
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