A
female
age
30-35,
*urtnconfused
writes:Me and my husband have been together for 5 years and married for one. He recently told me that he has felt his love for me was gone for a while and that he cheated on me once with a coworker of his.he wants to try and regain what we once had but cannot get transferred from his job and we need the money but am I suppose to be ok with him working with her?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2011): If you are the sort of person who will not torture yourself with thoughts about what they both did and if they are still communicating, then maybe you could find a way to handle this situation. BUT all I can tell you is that MY wife once cheated on me and it was with a coworker. The affair did not go beyond kissing and emotional cheating, but never the less, it was still CHEATING and it killed me. She deceived me. She lied to me repeatedly. This is a woman who stood beside me and promised to love only me and forsake others for our marriage. For our love. I got her clothes to wear to work packed her lunch. I listened to her problems and talked with her and gave advice. I shoveled out her car even though I am disabled. I give her the best sex she has ever had. According to HER, I am the very best thing that has ever happened to her. She says that NOBODY has ever loved her more and she has NEVER felt love for anyone like she loves me. SO WHY did she cheat? Some people get greedy and if they think they weren't ready for marriage, they might play the blame game. She felt she could have me and do something else on the side. But it was cheating. I NEVER cheated on her and I never would. It is DISGUSTING to be so cruel and sneaky and dishonest. I loathe that kind of behavior. But after the affair ended, she quit her job. She kept trying to keep communication with that other person but I kept telling her it was wrong and it was screwing up our healing process. It is common for a cheater to try keeping that third wheel in the picture, saying they can still be friends or still work together... But I say it WILL NOT WORK. They will continue to flirt and talk about what they did or feelings that are still there... Even if they never have any physical involvement, those feelings and desires are most likely still there and I think they shouldn't be around one another. That's my own experience. The ONLY way my situation improved was after my wife cut off ALL ties to that other person. THEN we were able to begin moving on. I suggest your honey move on and find another job. That is my own advice. Unless you'd like to check his cell phone records online to see if they have been comunicating. You could see if he's set up any secret emails. You could go meet him for lunch at his job... This takes detective work but if you'd rather not live that way, he shoudl SERIOUSLY look for work elsewhere. HE is the one who made that mess. Sometimes when someone steps in it, they have to really make changes to fix it. If you are too weirded out or insecure (and I DO NOT BLAME YOU IF YOU ARE), then I should think he ought to respect your feelings and look for work somewhere else. Commute if need be! Your healing process is worth it. You are worth it. It is VERY unsettling for you to imagine him being around that other person EVERY DAY after what they did. I felt humiliated and I can imagine how you feel. I gave the best of myself to her. Whenever someone cheats, people always assume it's because YOU weren't doing something right at home! But that is NOT always the case at all. You are NOT to blame. Some people want it all and they might want you to be someone you aren't. MY wife was not ready to marry when she did. But she did NOT say that. She knew I wanted to get married when we did. She knew I was the right one for her but she didn't tell me she still wanted to wait because she knew I would have left her if she wanted to see other people. We were together for 2 years and lived together. We were serious and I was not able to go back to having an open relationship as we did when we first dated. Once there is committed love, some people cannot change it back and start being open to see other people like they did during the first 3 months of dating! I was VERY open and honest about what I wanted, and she was not honest with me because she didn't want to lose me. That is quite a giving thing to do, but there is no excuse for holding that against ME. I did NOT force her to marry. I just wanted to know if we were compatible and I didn't want either of us to waste each other's time if we did not want the same things. Love is important and to me, so is marriage. So not everyone cheats because they are unsatisified at home. We are working things out because there IS love here AND because she is no longer around that third wheel at ALL. No emails no working together. NOTHING. And that is how it should be, in my opinion.I TRULY wish you the very best of luck!! Money is great but it's NOT everything.
A
female
reader, Luv2giveadvice  +, writes (5 April 2011):
I dont know about anyone else but I think you are silly
to still be with him.
He has suceeded in pulling the wool over your eyes,
not only will he cheat on you with her again,
he will cheat on you with others.
Have some self-respect and find someone who respects you.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (5 April 2011):
 hi he is telling you that he wants to try again at your marriage so as long as you accept this fact then you will just have to have faith in him. he is no more likely to cheat with that same co-worker again than he is to cheat with any random newcomer that he might meet. BUT you know his character, i don't and a lot depends on the personality of that woman - will she be chasing him or will she be happy to leave him alone to get on with his marriage? what is it in the first place that caused him to fall out of love with you and cheat in the first place and is that factor still present? i think that even if he could change jobs, this would not necessarily make everything ok. xx
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