A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm 14 and I have my first proper boyfriend (who is also 14), we were bestfriends beore going out what made everything abit easier, after a while of going out we started touching eachother through our clothes, I soon told him that's As far I'd like to go but he asked if he could finger me but I said I don't feel right doing that with him at 14.After awhile we were speaking when he told me his (obessesive) ex-girlfriend gave him a handjob, It made so annoyed and depressed knowing this, he had always told me what we done was enough for him and now I don't know how to feel about the whole situation. The thought of them together disgusts me tbh, and now I feel so naive + stupid + frigid. /:
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depressed, ex girlfriend, frigid, hand-job Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2010): What he is thinking, who knows. Likely he is using this comparison of his ex to try and solicit a greater connection from you. He is expressing his desires, and if it is not something you are comfortable with (which, from what I read, you are not) decline them.
I cannot pass judgment, I do not think he is a bad guy for desiring such things. He wants to be closer and this is hardly a bad thing. The issue is he should respect your desire to wait.
Make that clear, draw the boundaries by telling him your not comfortable. If he does care he will reciprocate his concern and respect your wishes.
So how do you deal with his desire?
Well, picture it like this. He believes that this is how couples get closer and elevate their relationship, it feels good. Sex is all over TV, in society, relationships, tabloids. Sex is what couples do.
What I want you to examine is, what is sex? What is the end result he is after here? How are these pressures (society, media, parents, school, government, church, internal desires) pushing him to desire more and you to likely decline?
Touching, kissing, being close and intimate can be highly stimulating and erotic.
You don't need to give him a hand job for him to experience the same effect. Yeah, it makes things easier and quicker for the guy, but it is a lot less intimate for the girl in some cases. It lacks the tension build up.
All this sexual activity happens in the mind. Try to focus on touching in other areas, intense kissing, dry humping, what ever you do already which you find comfort in. Help him understand that it is not the specific actions (hand job) which dictate the connection. You can have a blissful experience holding hands, but a little more may be required for him to orgasm in his pants, without you touching him, note this is important for guys.
I would not cut him off, blame him bad, or demonize the poor guy for just desiring more. I highly doubt he wishes to displease you, and if he is not sensitive to your comfort needs, or boundaries, let him go.
Communicate so he can better understand your fears and how to avoid them.
Then if he knowingly goes beyond your boundaries, which you have communicated very clearly, stop him, and let him go.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (22 March 2010):
 He could be manipulating or stupid or both. He made a mistake and it is up to you to decide if it was a genuine mistake and let it go.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (22 March 2010):
 That you've asked the question here is absolutely commendable!
What if anything might have happened in his previous relationships has *nothing* whatever to do with you.
If and only if you feel your relationship with him is deepening, then *you* might choose for it to go to another level. If that works for you, fine and wonderful.
If you're not sure that things should go further, but *he* is saying they must, then drop him like he's serious bad news. Don't listen to "oh babes if you loved me" or "I love you so much we should ..." Only *you* should set the pace.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (21 March 2010):
There's nothing with you at all. Don't be pressurized and well done for sticking up for yourself. Never let someone pressurize you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2010): If he cares about u he wouldn't manipulate u into trying different things n would wait until YOUR ready. Theres absolutely nothing wrong with taking things slow n it definately doesn't make you "frigid". Don't let him pressure you!!
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A
male
reader, Brunel  +, writes (21 March 2010):
How dare you think that Miss there is nothing wrong with you at all. Move on as he is a weak link and the pressure he is puting on you suggests to me that he wants sexual activity with you? Once he gets that he will move on - get shot of him!
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