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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: -+My ex boyfriend just broke up with me. We had lots of issues due to my past. I’d been with guys he knows, and he demanded to know every detail. Because of the nature of this situation, it was hard for me to be 100% honest all the time, so he didn’t trust me. However, when I did tell him the truth he always overreacted, called me names and judged me on the past. He is still very insecure about it. He says he doesn’t want to be with a “known sl*t” and be “second best”. He was never second best for me, he was always the best, but he just didn’t think so.He kept demanding I told him everything and now he even wated me to contact one of those guys I’d been with who he also knows, so the three of us could talk to see if I was actually telling the truth or not. The problem is if the guy I was previously with told him just a little detail that I didn’t remember, my now ex would flip and overreact and call me a liar and a sh*tty girlfriend, etc. And of course, trust me even less. He said another solution to this would be for me to accept that he’ll have sex with others, but of course I said no. So we just broke up, he says it’s definitive.We’ve broken up before, but it never lasted more than a week. Oh, and one detail, those guys I was with before weren’t boyfriends. He was my first and only boyfriend, and the only one I've loved.I don't know how to do this, but I want to leave him for good. He’s just so much like me, it feels weird after almost 4 years, to cut him off my life. But I feel I need to. I’m also reconnecting with a friend of mine he hated and that I had to stop talking to, and I feel guilty about that, because I don’t know if I’ll get back together with my now ex, and also because if my now ex finds out I’ve been talking to that guy he’ll flip and it’ll be messy. Should I just move on and never look back, or should I wait until his crazy madness passes and he comes back to his normal senses?
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broke up, get back together, insecure, liar, move on Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2010): It hurts on both sides of the table. Nobody enjoys or wants to have the negative feelings that he is showing. Most times these guys & girls really would give anything to stop feeling this way if they could. But it's like trying to fight any other natural emotion. Difficult to impossible.
If you didn't even sleep with the other guys and you had your first time with your BF, well, I just lost a lot of sympathy for him. He can't expect you to have lived in a plastic bubble until he came along. He's not even trying to be reasonable. The only real solution is probably for you to walk away. Your self respect demands it if nothing else.
The fact that you kept the BJ from him at first is the only thing I think you did wrong here. When he was decieved, you took away his only option to avoid these feelings. Now he has them, not by choice, and they hurt.
You might better avoid this in the future if you understand the instincts you're dealing with. Men didn't always have the option of paternity testing. So our emotions are hard-wired to go completely ballistic any time there is any hint that our woman might have decieved us about her sexual acitivites.
The time gap doesn't help us much either. A secret sexual encounter being several years ago doesn't reduce the risk for us. That means we may have just spent those several years raising another man's child!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2010): Ok, male anon, some specifications:- I never slept with anyone else, I mean I never had intercourse before I started dating him. The only sexual thing I did was giving one blow job to a friend who I did have feelings for.- The problem is, some guys meant nothing, and he has a problem with that. But others, like the friend I gave the blow job to, meant something, because I really liekd him in a more than a friend way, and he has a huge problem with that too! So there's no way to win with him. If I felt nothing for them, I was a whore and it's bad, and if I felt something for them, then I'm a whore, pathetic and it's bad too!- Ok, now, when he started dating me, he didn't know I'd been with that guy. I didn't tell him until he asked, six months into the relationship. I didn't tell him cause I feared his reaction, and also because it had happened years before I'd met him, so it was a past long gone for me already, well buried and just something I put behind me for good. Maybe it was my bad not to "warn" him prior.It hurts very badly to love someone who wants nothing to do with you, based on something that happened before you even knew they existed, and that you didn't do with the intention of personally hurting them (obviously) :(
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2010): There is something specific that I need to point out about the way you have been dealing with his issues.
How would you feel about paying $100 for something that your friends got yesterday for free?
This is how he feels when you say "Those other guys I slept with meant nothing to me, I really care about YOU!"
Sexually speaking, his reward for emotionally investing in you is getting the same thing that other guys got for no investment. I think he probably WANTS to feel like you cared about those other guys at the time. And I'm sure he wants to feel like they felt something for you too.
But at the end of the day I don't think it's worth trying to keep him. He has retroactive jealousy and that rarely ever can be controlled. (he's also handling it like a complete asshole.)
The cure for him (because it really is HIS problem) is not to get into these situations in the first place. If he knew you'd been with guys he knows and he knew it would bother him, then he should have never gotten serious with you.
BTW I disagree with CaringGuy about him never loving you. I think he does have real feelings for you and that's making it worse for him. If he didn't care about you then he wouldn't mind not being able to see you in the light that he wants to.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (21 March 2010):
Please please move on from this man. Cut him right out and never look back. A man who loves you doesn't treat you this way. Ever. He is certainly not the one for you at all.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 March 2010):
 You stayed too long. You should have never gone out with him at the first place.
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