A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi So I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years now (since we were 15) and I'm happier than Ive ever been in our relationship not because it was ever bad but it just keeps getting better. I can count our arguments on one hand and we get on like friends we have a really healthy balance between our lives separately and together what I mean is we don't Co exist which I think is healthy. Please correct me if I'm wrong. The problem is we just got back from travelling the world for a year and now we're thinking of our relationship more long term I'm no rush for marriage but I'd love to get engaged only because to me engagement is the part where you promise to love each other forever I'm not religious and we don't own anything together for it to make sense to get married for the legality of it right now. I feel like mentioning to my boyfriend how much I'd love it but I by no means want to put pressure on him or make him do something he doesn't want to keep me happy. He has spoken about marriage before and were saving for a mortgage so I know he looks at the future the same as me. Am I stupid for wanting a ring when everything is so perfect.PS I don't have social media so I don't want the ring so I can show off about it. It's more about what it symbolises to me. Thanks aunts!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2016): Hi this is the OP I'm really sorry but I don't know how to verify Ive not used this site before.
Thank you so much, all of you, for your advice I've decided to hold off on speaking to him for the time being after reading all your advice I realised it may be that I feel like I'm on a downer after an exciting year travelling and am Im trying to accelerate the next step.
I should have maybe explained my views on marriage a bit further because I know it's hard to understand. I think I feel the way I do about it because my mum and dad are the happiest couple I know and they never got married after 28 years together I look at my friends parents who all made their vowels in front of God and they're loved ones and now they're all divorced. But once again thank you all so much
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2016): You have been together eight years but you are still only 23. Getting engaged would put you on a count down to marriage and although that is your ultimate goal, I would suggest holding off for a while. Have a chat about when you might think of marrying, be it is two years or five, whatever and maybe get engaged a year before the date. Trust me, once you are engaged the questions will start and then it might make you feel pressured to get on with it before you actually feel you or your boyfriend are ready. There is no rush to get a ring. You have a lifetime of commitment ahead.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 September 2016):
 I am pretty sure most people after 8 years KNOW if the partner they are with is someone they want to marry or not.
And I think it's completely normal for you to want that level of commitment from him by now. And I find it more sensible to do so before getting in debt together and having kids together, even though it's hardly the norm anymore.
And I agree with Cindy. Getting engaged IS about marriage. You two have already been together for 8 years, so what's the holdup? An engagement is a precursor for a wedding, a marriage. It's not just about showing that you are his and he is yours. If he is serious about you and you about him - it's a normal step to take.
And after 8 years there should be no problem in asking him what his time line is and see if it matches yours.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2016): If you were a decade or maybe 5 years older then my advice would be different, however at your age (23) I don't think it would be a good idea to push your boyfriend into an engagement.Once people get engaged the first question is always "So, when's the wedding?" You'll come under pressure to name a date and it's easy to get carried along. You're both young and your bf isn't ready to make that commitment just yet or he'd have already proposed. I have 2 sons (22 and 24), both are in long term relationships but neither are thinking of marriage yet. Why? Well in the UK mortgages are colossally expensive as are engagement rings, weddings and children. Both are just getting established in their careers (as are their gf's) and they don't have much money saved yet. They don't need that kind of added pressure at the moment. I'd suggest you carry on saving and working and wait a couple of years. You'll both be more mature and it should all happen organically. If your bf feels trapped you will find your relationship isn't as happy as it once was and it could backfire on you.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 September 2016):
 It's modern times. If you want to get engaged, all you have to do is ask him. Or wait for him to read your mind, if you think that's likely.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 September 2016):
 After 8 long years of almost perfect relationship, I don't see why you could not talk to your bf about your wish, and tell him what you told us , that you 'd love to get an engagement ring because etc.etc. By now there should be between you such a level of ease, confidence and mutual trust that you should be able to tell him what you feel and think without the fear of being criticized, ridiculed or misjudged.
At worst, he might say : no, I don't think it's a good idea because.... Or : the reason why I don't feel like doing this, is...
But , that's what you are supposed to do ; you tell him things, he listens. He tells you things, you listen. Then you work out something that can sort of work for both of you.
That's not pressure, ( particularly after eight YEARS !, not eight weeks ) it's communication. You make your wishes known, so that he can either help making them come true, or else tell you why he is not willing, or not able, to do that.
Said that, I'll add my personal 2 cents with which of course you and any other poster are free to disagree :
people should not get engaged if they still don't have a clue when they'll actually get married. Otherwise it's like when you get "engaged" with your cute classmate in second grade ; it's sweet, it's sincere in the intention... and it's a bit funny too.
You do not get engaged just to call dibs on a person, or to make sure that your gf sports a rock so the guys at the bar know not to hit on her for the duration.
An official engagement means announcing to all the world : " I really mean business ; this is gonna be my wife / husband asap, just let us work out the technicalities ".
When you book a restaurant, or a cruise, you don't tell them : "I am pretty sure I will be at yours in 4 or 5 years time ". If you do, they'll politely suggest you to call back later on, when your plans are more solid.
So, my idea would be NOT to get engaged if so far you have never even agreed that you WILL be married one day, and more or less when ( after the mortgage ? After you reach an income of X money ? for example ).
But, of course, that's just me. You proceed as you like, just remember that : communication is the key,- and after 8 years you should not be afraid to be sincere to each other about your wants and needs.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2016): You're saving for a mortgage together. That is a long-term legal commitment, but it is also a debt. If he's willing to go into debt with you; how is wanting a ring going to ruin anything?
After eight years, discussing if marriage is in his plans is quite justified. He may need some coaxing; just hold-off on having any children until you are certain he wants that degree of commitment.
Sweetheart, you've devoted a big chunk of your life to this guy; and you should determine if he has planned a certain and secure future for you. It's not pressuring, it is letting him know how serious the relationship is to you. There doesn't have to be immediate wedding plans; but I think it's time he let you know if your love and devotion deserves some gesture of his continued commitment. You've been more than patient.
Now is as good a time as any. I wish you luck!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (21 September 2016):
 You two are so close, surely you can have a chat about this? Explain to him, exactly as you have here, why you would like a ring and what it would mean to you. Then tell him that, if he doesn't feel the same way about it (guys often don't attach the same importance to these things as we ladies do!), it is fine because your relationship is the most important thing, not a bit of metal on your finger.
If you don't ask, the answer will always be no. I bet he has no idea you feel this way.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2016): "I'm no rush for marriage but I'd love to get engaged only because to me engagement is the part where you promise to love each other forever"To me, MARRIAGE is the part where you promise to love each other forever (that's what "'til death do us part" means); the engagement part is when you plan for a wedding while preparing for a life-long marriage.Sorry, but I don't see the point of becoming "engaged" when you're living together and in no rush to get married. What tangible difference would it make in your lives other than each of you referring to each other as "fiance" instead of "boyfriend" of "girlfriend?" Plenty of guys have agreed to become "engaged" to appease their shack-up girlfriends while having absolutely no intention of following through; in other words, "No I didn't marry her and yes I'm still having sex with her." No, you're not stupid for wanting a ring but your reason for wanting one doesn't make much sense to me.
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