A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My ex boyfriend and i have only been together for about 5 months... then about 4 months ago we broke up and he started dating his ex girlfriend he was with for about 3 years before me...even though he did not admit it to me until i found out from other sources. We have stayed friends but it has been really hard because the physical connection and friendship we have is crazy and i honestly feel like we will never leave each other alone... somehow we always end up talking and seeing each other no matter how many times we say we wont. i find the strenght to stay away, but i do still have very strong feelings for him and somehow end up seeing him again. I really feel like he is the one for me. i dont want to continue this because it is not fair to his gf or to me. He tells me he is not currently happy in his relationship and talks to me alot about the reasons for this and i understand..and he tells me things with me feel "out of this world", and i know the feeling is mutual. He truly does have a good heart and i do geniely think he is confused...that is basically his answer that he is confused and doesnt know what he wants..there has to be more to it!!!...but maybe a possibility he is just playing me to keep me around...I am super confused and not proud of his cheating on his new gf with me... i just cant get over him we both know our connection and chemistry is something really crazy... i feel stupid being in this situation because i should know better and i should be strong enough... i keep thinking he will break up with his gf. and we will be together again. is it stupid to think it is hard for him to let her go because they have been together for so long? before him i also had a 4 yr relationship and when i wanted to end it it was very hard on me because i didnt want to hurt the person and the process took months.... i am hoping he is in this process..but when is enough finally enough? has anyone else been in this situation? and what helped you deal with it? any comments will help! thanks
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (14 September 2009):
 No. You're not stupid. The problem is you love him and he loves you. And he's still seeing an ex that he broke up with years ago.
You're ex boyfriend is living in a captain's paradise. He has two women who love him, and he doesn't want to choose.
Right now you're the other woman but tomorrow she could be the other woman.
I think what you want to do is this. Before you completely torment him with imaginary lovers on your part (that's head game playing by the way -- which can be interpreted as being manipulative and wrong), I think you need to look him in the eye and tell him that he's hurting you now.
I understand the attraction and chemistry but he's not 18 years old, he's 29 years old. He's got to start taking responsibility for the emotional damage he's causing.
The sad part is that you have or had, depending on circumstances, a beautiful relationship and he's abused it completely.
The only thing left for him to do is decide what he, in his heart of hearts, wants to do with his life. And he has to make this decision on his own. He just won't. That's a problem.
You have to tell him point-blank that keeping you on a string like this is horribly unfair and hurtful. Even though he doesn't mean it, that's the result. He's hurt you.
The only other solution is if you and the other woman can tolerate this three way relationship. I highly doubt that because you, yourself do not want to have to keep sharing him.
If he truly does love you, then he's going to have to cut ties with the old girlfriend and make your relationship stronger and better. Which means he has to make the decision to stay with you and you alone. Or else it isn't going to work.
If you don't want this, then the only thing you can do is tell him that you can't see him anymore because its hurting you way too much and ask him to let you go.
If he loves you then he'll understand. But the way he's going, he's hurting himself, the other woman and you. And its horribly unfair to everyone.
Looking at it from his point of view, and he deserves little sympathy here, he's probably suffering too. If he's this indecisive then its because he's avoiding making a decision that will, ultimately, hurt someone he loves.
But as far as what's going on, as I said, from what you've written, your being hurt and he has to stop doing that to you. We aren't supposed to use love to hurt people we love, we use it to heal them. He has to recognize this.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2009): Thanks so much for the answers. Something I can add that probably doesnt even make a difference is that the reason we broke up is he wanted to take a break because we werent 100% sure of a future-marriage to each other due to some cultural differences. We did end up breaking up because i did not want to be with someone who wasnt sure they would want to be with me.I am 25 year old and he is 29 so it was normal to think about future and marriage especially at the rate we were moving. While we were together we had a great relationship, got along great and met each others families and were involved in each others lives and it probably did happen way too fast and we did rush into it. A week after the break up he said he made a mistake and he didnt want to lose me and i basically told him that it was too late and we could only be friends. In the meantime he started rekindeling the relationship with the ex, who throughout our relationship has been trying to get back with him and he would openly tell me and show me the texts being exchanged between them. I am a very confident person and i dont usually give in to guys and would think id even be in this sort of situation. So eventually, even though i previously told him i only wanted to be friends, he and i started to see each other and now i am this "other women" ---with very strong feelings for him. Recently I told him i am seeing someone new just because i dont want to be the vulnerable one. He was very jealous of this and kept asking questions about this imaginary person and started to contact me more than usual. I think the best thing for me to do is be strong and move on. It is hard because i care a lot about him and i know he cares about me. I dont want to be the other woman and i don't even want to give the she or me ultimatum because i want him to realize it on his own. but by just sticking around, it will make him think he can have both.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2009): He's a man. And he's having sex with 2 different girls. Is he going to make a decision anytime soon? Not likely.I've been in the "oh he's not happy with his relationship" situation combined with the amazing chemistry and attraction. But trust me - he will pick her.He's playing both of you and its not nice. If he had a "good heart" he wouldn't be cheating on her at all.I know it's easy to delude yourself into believing what you want to be true. It's also extremely easy to believe what you want to hear. Men know this. It's what they do best - telling us what we want to hear.Please have some self respect and walk away. Or give him the "me or her" ultimatum as mentioned previously. But i do believe he will pick her, simply because right now, you're the bit on the side and she's the one he's going home to.Good luck, i've been in the same situation recently. It's horrible, but you know what? You're worth so much more. Truly. x
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A
male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (12 September 2009):
no your not stupid at all but you might be waiting a while
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