A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi everyone, please can you give me some much needed advice im 32 years old married with 3 young children. i met my husband 14 years ago weve been married for 10 years. i fell for my husband because he was a good looking guy and played hard to get he hurt me loads when we first met but i still stuck it out and stayed with him. ive always been independent and had my own friends, ive always done all the cooking cleaning and looked after the children, and my husband hasnt really done anything but hes always had his own interests and friends. our sex life has been rubbish for years and also my husband has worked nights for the last 7 years so i have felt very lonely, we have never been physically close anyway although i would love to of shared more cuddles and kisses but my husband has never been that way. over the last year ive found myself thinking about what it would be like to be with someone else and wish i could start again, anyway in march i told my husband i didnt love him anymore and asked him to leave, he was devasted and begged to stay and said he would change so since then we have tried to make a go of things and yes until now he has been doing more and has given me cuddles and wanted sex more but no matter how hard i try i cant seem to love him anymore and not sure if i fancy him anymore, i feel as though im only staying with him cause of the children. what i need to know is that is it possible that ive drifted away from him and can you really stop loving someone even when there trying so hard, and yes i have tried as well. i feel as though its to late is this possible am i staying with him because im scared to move on. please help.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 December 2007):
 I very much agree with Baby Duck and dearkelja. This post of mine won't add a new perspective, but you'll know that, out of six posts, 3 (50%) suggest that you think carefully whether the marriage can be saved.
A
female
reader, casidia  +, writes (9 December 2007):
look you have to be a women not a chicken take stand against your man he might be stronger but females are always stronger and always will be if your sfraid thats okay we all are sometime but if your afraid to lose your life you already lost it when you don't taka a stand move on and don't let him move on you i hope everything works out from [email address blocked] email me for any answers to qustions any time.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (8 December 2007):
 While I can appreciate RCN's sentiments I am going to weigh in a little differently. I agree that if the relationship had a spark at one point that you can find it again. However, if the relationship wasn't solid to begin with-you mention games playing might have gotten you in the marriage and that your husband hurt you loads in the beginning-then it may be hard to try and rebuild something that wasn't there in the first place.
I also think that the time to fix a relationship is when you first notice it isn't working. You need to communicate throughout the marriage. If you let your marriage get to the point (let's just say of no return) then I think there is nothing one can do to turn it around. Plus you have to want to.
I think you are just now feeling the impact of the hurt he caused you in the beginning. I think that you are reevaluating the marriage as a whole and maybe finding that it wasn't what you wanted. The key here is can it be?
I'll give you my history. Ten years ago I asked my ex-husband to leave. We agreed to try again and five years ago we just about ended it again and agreed to try again. This year I asked for a divorce and went through with it because I realized that my marriage could not be fixed. My husband wasn't a bad person though I did all the chores and worked full time too so there was some resentment for me as well. We were not physically close and didn't have the intimate bond I wanted in a marriage and that is ultimately why I left. Try as he might, he just wasn't that kind of person and I need that.
I will not kid you, raising kids alone isn't easy (I have one at home) and it's going to take a long time before you can find the love you want. It's been 6 months for me and I haven't even dated yet. Remember dating, it's not going to be fun.
I guess what I am saying is that you should really look inward long and hard about what you want and what you think you can get out of your marriage. A salvaged marriage is always best but when it can't be fixed it will only be a source of pain. Good luck to you.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (8 December 2007):
 Do you really think people fall out of love? Emotions really don't work that way. It they do work that way, when people say they fall out of love means they really didn't love in the first place. The change isn't going to happen overnight. It took a long time to get into this slump, it takes some time to improve it.
Here is how emotions work. Think of your emotions as a bank account. You make withdraws and deposits. Taking too many withdraws and not enough deposits puts an emotional mental block and tells us to call it quits. Why do you feel it's too late. Change not making a positive difference? It's a fear based reasoning. If you're going to turn this around and have a chance to have a loving, satisfying relationship, you have to keep an open mind and allow yourself to grow with the changes. Did you know that if you were happy at any moment in this relationship, simple changes can bring back the same feelings?
Every time I have my favorite ice cream I get a nice feeling from it, it doesn't matter how long in between, I get the same sensation from it. Emotions work the same way. Relations need to be developed. They don't just happen. It doesn't matter if you're with him or someone else. The benefit from being with someone else is getting to mold from the beginning, but you don't know what you're getting into since it's someone knew. The benefit of fixing a broken relationship is you know your husband, you both know the strengths and weaknesses of the other and know which areas need work. I would have to day in this situation, it's easier to fix something that's broken than to start all over again.
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A
female
reader, soni.911 +, writes (8 December 2007):
 i believe you care about him a lot and it is really good that you are considering your children because this will effect them if you choose to leave, i suggest you have some marriage counseling, then see from there, ifyou still can not be with him then you can ak him to leave but consider your children before doing anything
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2007): The question you asked was whether we think you are staying with your husband because you are afraid to move on. I have to reverse that question back at you and ask what you really think? Only you can trully answer that question. I believe that you can fall out of love with another person - nothing last for ever! But I also believe that you can fall back inlove with that same person if you really want to. You say he treated you bad at the beginning of the relationship. It could be that you havent forgiven him for this and feel stronger in your self, as you dont rely on him for anyhing and have realised that you are capable of doing so much on your own. You met when you were young so you may feel as though you missed out on social growth opportunites. It doesnt really sound like you are staying with him for the kids but more because you dont want to feel responsible for his feelings. Sounds more like you do not feel fulfilled within yourself. You said that you tried to end it but as he was devastated you stayed. This could possibly be that you felt guilty but you have to think hard about what you well and trully want for yourself. If the kids are old enough and you have some spare change maybe you could go away for a weekend or so in a different environment to see how you feel being away from it all. It sounds like to need to think about what you want, stick with that decision and go for it. Good luck!
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