A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi i am having a problem with my girlfriend. recently i told her that i wanted to talk to her about our sex life. i feel that we do not have as much sex as i would like which averages about once a month. i talked to her nicely about it and she got very upset and started crying. i only wanted to talk to her about it and not upset her.she eventually told me that it hurt her when we did it because she thinks her hymen hasnt broken properly. she said she wanted to cut it herself but i asked her not to because it could be dangerous and i said that she should see a docter. she said doctors dont know what they're talking about. i said that doctors do and that she only said that because shes afraid or embarresed. also she said she wish she never told me. i told her she was being childish and i wish she told me the truth a long time ago. that was three days ago and now she considers that it may be a sign were not supposed to be together. i love her very much and cant think of anything else other than this. was i wrong to say this to her? i only want us to talk and solve any problems together. she thinks this is a private matter to her only but surely it is mine aswell. i dont know how to handle this.we have been together for almost two years and we are both 23, isnt this old enough to deal with this as adults? am i somehow in the wrong?
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female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (27 April 2008):
 I'm sorry to say that saying you are not that skilled and you should try harder is not the right answer here.
I do agree with Natasia in as much as taking her to a female doctor to discuss this problem. You should go together and talk openly about the problems you are having sexually. If she is unwilling to do that then yes you are banging your head against a brick wall.
Has she tried to us a vibrator at all as this she could position herself and using lubricants could help her to get used to the feeling of having something enter her vagina?
I don't recommend you personally doing anything but she could use a mirror and see if she is swollen or red in that area as it could be that she has some small infection or something that could be treated with creams or antibiotics or just the fact that she is not used to sex. It may well hurt for a while until she actually relaxs and enjoys sex, has she ever said about having any sort of orgasm during sex at all as I think she is so tense that she is not allowing herself to go with the flow so to speak.
Keep us posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi, thankyou for all the advice. we have tried lubrication but it still hurts her. i suggested a few times more that she went to see a doctor and even showed her my post and the replies. she will not see a doctor and we are just going round in circles with this. she said that it would be better for her if i was more skillfull, i am her first and i have only slept with one person before so my skill is limited. what skill can reduce the pain??
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (12 April 2008):
 No, I don't think you're in the wrong - in fact, I think you're very right that this is a joint problem. The thing is, it's obviously so difficult and upsetting a topic for your girlfriend that she feels she wants to keep it to herself. That she told you about it is very good - I know she now says she wishes she hadn't, but it is much better that you know about it.
I think you just need to be very gentle and careful in the way you approach it with her. As a woman myself, I know it is possible to feel extremely vulnerable when it comes to that area of your body. She's no doubt frightened that a doctor will examine her and may even try to 'break' the hymen, if that's what it is (it may not be at all - I do think she needs to be checked out).
I think you need to do the following:
- reassure her and persuade her that you only say it's your problem too because you want to help her, and make her feel better
- tell her you understand how vulnerable she feels, and that's perfectly natural (DON'T say she's a baby and she should get on with it - that just won't work, and it's quite mean as well)
- promise her you'll find a gentle FEMALE doctor and that you will come with her if she wants. You could even offer first to have a look yourself for her (as a woman, it's also v difficult to see what is happening in that part of your anatomy! So if someone you love will help, that is good.). You could (very gently) see if you can see any obstruction or anything strange. She may well be very upset while you do this - very likely to cry - but you need to reassure her all the time.
You need to get this sorted out. Tell her she isn't going to get rid of you that easily! You love her, and that's why you're persevering with her, to help her. Tell her she mustn't push you away because she's afraid about this problem - you, together, are going to sort the problem, and you will lead the way and hold her hand as necessary.
I hope that gives you a general idea of what I think might work. Good luck. I hope it gets sorted soon, for both of your sake's.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (12 April 2008):
OK I think that the way your gf reacted was more to do with the fact that she inwardly knows there is a problem and she is scared to death about how to handle it.
Maybe she has experienced problems with her doctor in the past and she feels she won't get a proper hearing by them. Suggest perhaps going along with her as her nerves may be holding her back too much. Or perhaps suggest going along to a clinic instead of her own doctor or yours for that matter and say it from your point of view but your doctor will only refer her back to her doctor so maybe a clinic would be better.
OK at 23 she should feel more mature but we all grow up at different paces and obviously by the sounds of things you are her only sexual partner.
Does she get dry during sex as this could be the reason for the pain element as well. Do you have oral sex or get into the mood before sex. She may need to think about some KY jelly to help things along. Do you use a condom as this can dry some girls and lubrication may help in this matter.
Is your gf on the pill and could there be any side affects from that.
I think the fact that you called your gf childish could have hit a raw nerve as she may view you as more experienced in the bedroom department and she feels too embarrassed to discuss it.
Tell her how much you love her and you don't feel that this is a sign of you not being right for one another. Tell her that you will do whatever it takes to make things right for you both as you want it to be a wonderful experience for both of you and not something she dreads at the mere mention of your monthly sexual time. Tell her you will be there for her and you will help her in whatever way she wants. Also reassure her that you will get through this difficult patch as after 2 years you are in no hurry to end your relationship with her but only want to make it better so you can both move forward, onward and upward eh!!
Take care and wish you the best of luck. She is just scared at the end of the day but don't let her close off on this subject and just give her reassurance that you are not going to blow your top or call her names but you would rather support her 110%.
Here anytime OK.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2008): Hi, I dont think you were in the wrong at all, like you said you are adults and after 2 years you should beable to talk sensibly with each other about almost anything.
As for the painful sex, no disrespect to the girl but she was talking a load of tosh! I would be 99% sure to say the hymen not being broken correctly is not the reason for her pain, she may have not had it in tact for years, people can break it doing exercise and horse riding??!. If she is having pain during sex then of course there are many explanations and she MUST see a doctor dispite what she thinks they are the only people that can help her. I think that approaching the subject is obviously sensitive and perhaps she felt not as if you were asking for more sex but were commenting on the quality of the sex you were getting - hence the tears. Explain she has got the wrong end of the stick and that you think it would be a good idea to see a doctor about the pain during intercourse. Go with her if that will help but seriously sit down and talk....without tears, thats just ridiculous at her age.
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