A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I am 28yrs old and have been married for 9 years. I am not sure exactly what answers I am seeking, but am compelled to tell my story in hopes of gaining some advice, or at least a different perspective from those in similar or different circumstances. I met my husband at barely 18yrs old, was pregnant at 19 and married shortly after, (my first semester in college) and since have constructed an "ideal" life doing exactly what has been expected of me. However, after many years of being valued only for what I could contribute, and after a "when it rains, it pours" event, I was forced to confront many issues all at once, including myself, which I had completely lost touch with. What I realized,(please forgive if I seem vague, but it is nearly impossible to sum up 10yrs)is that I could no longer be made to feel as though I should just "shut up and sweep the floor", or "go ahead and take my panties off before I get in bed". I could no longer ask my husband if he would like to join me and the kids (three of them now) for a bike ride at the park, because I couldn't once again take the disapointment, and having to explain to the kids that "daddy just isn't feeling good today" while he really is watching TV. The never ending cycles that on the decline seem so hopeless, but with a few false promises and threats, seemed to improve on the incline before plummeting yet again. Many years of this though and your mind wants to believe, but your heart knows better. That is why I went back to school, and made a promise to myself that I would give my children experiences regardless if my husband was there or not. It was a "I'm going here and will be back at this time" sort of thing which allowed so much freedom from the little voice inside that questions why he wouldn't want to be apart of our family. Basically, I came to many conclusions and had some hope again, but left a crucial component out, one that I had never placed value upon because it was never present in my marriage: companionship, compatibility, friendship and intimacy (the dictionary version). The ability to be my goofey, silly, self, sharing perspectives and views about the world or science, which I have many, just no one knows. That is what got me in a bind. I was finishing my last prerequisite to gain entry into the program of my degree, a sort of rite of passage if you will, which became clear in more ways than one, for the professor turned out to be a real person who actually thought that I was interesting, intellegent, intriguing, etc, etc...(gasp)! And while I was pretty naive to his intentions toward me, "dinner" was the hint that made me say "Uh-Oh, I am married". But honestly, that was the hardest and strangest thing that I have ever had to do. There has never been a time that I have been comfortable just being myself, (geez, not even with my friends) but there I ended up being myself, so very easy and natural. Strange. That is when I realized that I feel like a martyr, not because of preventing something that could have been natural to grow with another person, but not ever allowing myself to naturally grow as a person. Does marriage mean that you have to stifle who you are competely to be that perfect wife and mother? What values does this teach my kids? I do not want my boys to marry a woman because she has the potential to cook and clean, but to marry a woman because they love her, as a person, and nothing else. Because she brings out the best in them and inspires them to live their dreams and vice versa. I want my daughter to be able to give not because she is expected to, but because she wants to, because of love moving and guiding her through her life. My husband and I do not provide this example. We show our children the proper "roles" but do not love each other, and that, I fear may be more damaging to us all, when all is said and done. I do not want my children to grow up and leave me with a stranger, and I do not want to become a stranger to my self as well. I do not want my daughter to one day look me in the eye and ask why we stayed together. That would be the hardest thing to ever deal with, staying together for the kids to have them grow up and say "we knew you guys were miserable, why in the hell did you jip yourselves". That would mean your entire life was built in vein. Still yet, it is very hard to have foresight and know the right thing to do. So, thanks to all who can provide some insight, and sorry for venting. Thanks. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, mrvhappy  +, writes (23 July 2010):
Hi there,
Thanks for your post...I think I understand where you are coming from.
My 1st love from 30 yrs ago recently contacted my under strange circumstances (see my post under my name). I feel that she's in a similar posn to you.
To cut a long story short I met Sally had a great evening out. We talked about our lives since we split and still got on VERY well.She wants to meet again!!.The love affection/chemistry is still there on both sides :(. Problem is that she is married & has kids and I dont want to fall for her again..unless shes single.
I from what she told me on our evening out, I guess shes going through what you have been through viz empty realtionship. She sounded very empty & sad when she told me about her hubby & kids..( got preggie...he wanted her to get rid of it she didnt & he wouldnt marry her..had more kids ...they got married some 16 yrs later!!)..which saddened me.
I guess as others have said, and as I will say to Sally (my ex) when I next see her..see if you can sort your probs out with yr hubby via Relate/councilling. Try and address the issues. If that fails, I guess theres only one road left for you.
If the situation is that bad @ home, I guess that you should leave now...or it will effect the kids
Good Luck and let us know how you get on.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2010): Honeypie, I can certainly identify with, "running a marriage alone is like driving with three square wheels". That is so true! My marriage has been like a business partenership, which all marriages are to some extent, but without the "benefits" of insurance, investments and retirement plans. No emotional stocks or bonds. No security net to help us recover, and not sure how to even arrive at that point because like you said, I have been driving with three square wheels for quite some time, just wish the corners would have rounded out by now. I have felt like a "martyr" in the sense that how much are you supposed to give and get nothing in return? I am pretty basic with my needs, I only wish to be loved, and not only loved for being a component or function of the family unit. I have come to realize that I'm pretty much spent, just am having a hard time deciding what to do about it because we have gone to marriage counceling as well as confronted the same issues again and again, there are just some things I am not willing to compromise.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2010): xnickx, I am so very sorry for the damage and betrayal that your mother has caused you! Have you ever heard of the Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcisism? It might help to read about both, because the path of destruction that these people can leave in thier wake can leave you reeling and disoriented for a long time. Please don't build your walls too high, for you will miss opportunities to connect with people, not everyone is intent on "gas-lighting". My husband isn't how you describe your mother fortunately, but my mother is, and that I fear has had considerable influence on the inability to assert myself during times which I have needed to. However, we all have our breaking point and must decide what we will and will not allow/accept, a process that I am now confronting at this time in my life. Thank you for contributing your life story, it seems as though like trees near the ocean grow with the wind, our past certainly shapes who we are, and when we are constantly under the force of a strong wind, we indeed grow, but we are bent. Remember though that you are stonger because of this, for it is the bended tree that can endure the hurricane!
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A
male
reader, xnickx +, writes (15 July 2010):
 No its fine that you vent, thats what this site is made for.I hope you dont mind in return if i tell you my story from personal experience (as a kid who went through this), as i think it would be more beneficial to you than me just giving you a short answer.Im 17 now, i grew up in a near identical situation, with the exception of my dad was in your shoes and my mom was comparable to your husband, although i suspect my mom was much worse.My dad did everything he could to keep the marriage together for us kids. He sacrificed so much for us.The second time my mom filed for divorce, i was around 8 or 9, my brother either 6 or 7. This happened right at the same time my mom did the equivalent of kidnapping us (on fathers day) and keeping us from our dad for a few months.We didnt know any better, it was just a trip to grandmas.Anyways after that ordeal was settled, my dad had another kid with my mom, to try to guarantee that theyd stay together for us. My dad stayed through knowing she was cheating on him, the lies she spread through the community and her family about him, even being held at gunpoint once by a guy that my mom cheated with.Well, I think its been 3 or 4 years now since my mom filed for divorce again. I honestly don’t think my dad was going to go through with it if I didn’t tell him I wanted them to get divorced. I figured getting rid of the fighting (and my mom who because she never did anything for us, plus deeper reasons, I honestly couldn’t stand her) would be better than having them stay together.I haven’t seen or talked to my mom in 2 years now, and not that I miss her, but I rather miss the prospect of having what was left of my normal childhood. I never had much of a childhood because of the way things were. I was extremely sheltered. But I have less freedom now. Because of the way things are, I haven’t been able to get my license, and dates or even just time hanging out with friends are a thing of the past. Just no time. Working, taking care of the responsibilities that need to get done come first.Now it may just be my particular case, as it was particularly bad and now we’re doing what we have to do to make up for lost time.So, I guess, if you’re looking for the kids first, then it’s probably a case by case thing. If there’s other stuff you need to get out of the way first, like in our case getting my dads business up and running, you could put additional stress on the kids and yourself by getting a divorce. If theres fighting all the time, the kids may not mind as much.Honestly, looking back from one (EXTREMELY selfish) point of view, I think having my parents stay together would have allowed me to have a more normal life.There was also some study my dad always told me about that kids in divorced families affects their behavior and mentally. I cant disagree, because it has caused me to build walls around myself and protect myself to prevent me from people hurting me, but again, my case isn’t the norm.If you’re not happy now tho, and he isn’t willing to change, if you do decide to stick together for the kids, its going to be a huge sacrifice on your part. One, because it will more than likely be rough on you, and two it will be even harder to maintain a good environment for your children.Sorry, I had to go work halfway through writing this and when I came back lost my train of thought. I know there was something else I wanted to say, but cant remember now. If I remember ill post again.Anyways, I hope I was of a little help.I sincerely wish you the best of luck as I know this isn’t an easy situation for either you or the kids.Nick.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 July 2010):
 Wow, that is a lot to deal with.
Marriage and kids do change us (specially women) And I think a lot of women lose themselves in the process of being Mom,dad,wife,maid,cook...... you name it.
What you are saying is that you feel compelled to just SUCK IT UP til the kids are out of the house. Why? I know marriage isn't a bed of roses 24/7 - sometimes it's great, sometimes it sucks. But it's a choice. You right now are choosing to be a "martyr", why?
I would suggest you talk to someone about time, PREFERABLY your husband, but if he isn't interested, then your priest, pastor, rabbi or find a counselor.
No one can run a marriage alone. It's just not going to work. It's like trying to drive with 3 square wheels.
I think you need to figure out WHAT would make you feel happy again and HOW to go about achieving it, instead of being a passive aggressive "martyr". That is just not going to make anyone happy, or teach or kids anything positive about relationships.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (14 July 2010):
 Let's start at the beginning. You met your husband when you were barely 18. Then, you were pregnant at 19, and finally you married shortly after. Just look at that 2-3 year span right there. Did you want to marry your now husband out of love, or was it more or less what was expected at that stage?
I'm just going to come right out and say this. Based on what you described to us, your marriage is over. You may still technically be married, but as far as the true meaning of married, you are not. The question is why. From what you wrote, it appears to be your husbands fault. Of course, there are two sides to every story... but what you are saying is reasonable.
Possible solutions? Divorce seems to be primary, but ONLY if you feel you've truly done everything possible. Yes, your husband sounds lazy and like he doesn't want to contribute to the family in the general sense - spending time with you, the kids, etc and being a loving husband giving you affection, etc. But, does he know all of this? Does he know how you feel? I know, you've already said you've asked him to do stuff with you and all, but human nature is to not say what you're really feeling "figuring" he knows what he's doing wrong and you just go along not even asking him to go for a bike ride next time.
I'm not trying to gang up on you or take his side. I, like a lot of people on here, just take marriage very seriously. Divorce should be a last resort. BUT... you should not be living an unhappy life. If you feel you've given it an honest try, including making it 100% clear to your husband that you are unhappy with your life married to him (and you are, no matter how guilty that may make you feel) THEN you consider divorce. But if you haven't sat down and talked completely open with him about this, then you owe your marriage that. Marriage counseling is another option, but only if both are willing.
Bottom line: You're living with the consequences of 2-3 years worth of decisions, for the rest of your life. Your allowed to admit you made some mistakes and that you are unhappy. And you are allowed to take the necessary steps to fix that, including divorce, but only if it's the last resort.
And finally, since you sound like you have some science background.... look at it logically:
If your daughter was in the EXACT same position later in her life, and I mean EXACT... what would you want her to do?
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