A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I’m in an unfamiliar dating situation and looking for advice (apologies for the long story below!)Back in January, I matched with a guy on a dating app. He was from my hometown and we had mutual friends, but we’d never come across each other in person before. After speaking for a little bit I learned that he’d moved abroad recently to work, but he had come back home for personal reasons (hence how we ending up matching). We were speaking for about a week when his time was up back home and he had to fly back out abroad, typically a week being the ideal time to start thinking about meeting up for a coffee/drink in person (ideal for me anyway). He said it was a shame because if he had been at home longer he wanted to take me for a drink. I understood it was unavoidable and said that we could just see what happened when he next came back home. With him living abroad, I expected the conversation to fizzle out - everyone always says the same thing, distance becomes a problem etc. But we got on like a house on fire, messaging every single day at length (and I mean huge messages multiple times a day and quick responses), talking about anything and everything, and generally getting on well and becoming more familiar with each other. He seems to be a genuinely lovely guy, asking me questions to keep the conversation going and he even drunk called me one time on a guy’s weekend away (although I missed it!) We’re also connected on snapchat, Facebook and Instagram. All these signs show me that he’s clearly interested in me. Fast forward four months (!) and we’re still speaking just as much, and he’s finally coming back home again. He has a tight schedule and he’s only back for just over a week (he has family birthdays, weekend away with the guys planned, that sort of thing) but asks me if I want to do something one evening on one of the days he’s free - to which I say yes. I’m so excited at this point because of how long it’s been. Meanwhile, in the four months since we matched, I’d moved an hour away from our shared hometown, but when he comes home he makes the effort to drive up to see me and spend time with me. We have our first real date in four months and it’s amazing, we both enjoy, he spends the night in mine and we sleep together (normally I would never do that on a first date, I know how it can be perceived, but we’d been speaking for four months on a daily basis so I feel like we’d had multiple dates by this point). Before he leaves he says he may be back in a few weeks time but it depends on whether he goes on a holiday with a friend from abroad. So he eluded to coming back but didn’t actually make plans with me which I guess I understand because his plans aren’t set in stone yet. Or maybe he doesn’t want to see me again? Who knows, but after he left mine, he messaged me within 10 minutes saying thank you for the night together and that he hoped I enjoyed. He also told me later that he had a really nice time. We’ve gone back to texting as we did before so the communication is still there - he’s not ghosted me. He’s now jetted off on a weekend away with the guys and I won’t see him again before he goes back abroad. We’ve still carried on speaking but because he’s busy being away it’s not in as much length as usual and he’s taking much longer to reply, which is fair.I knew in texting him for the four months pre-meet that I liked his personality and I knew he was attractive because I’d seen pictures of him. But meeting him in person has confirmed that I really do like him.But I feel strange, like I’m in limbo, because everything’s up in the air and I don’t know when I’ll see him again because we don’t have solid plans and he’s only eluded to coming back a little bit. I know we’re also still really early on in this situation but because I’ve never texted a guy who lives abroad before I don’t know how to play this, I don’t know if we’re near the relationship/exclusive talk yet and I don’t want to scare him off!Another issue is I know he’s still on the dating app where we met. He’s not told me this but It’s easy to find out - the location updates when you open the app. Before we had our date it updated to say our hometown so he’d at least opened the app since he’d been back home (but before our date). He’s also removed some of his bio but I don’t know when that happened, but doesn’t really matter I guess. So he’s keeping his options open clearly. I understand that even though we’ve been speaking so much, he’s still technically single and can do what he wants. Plus we’ve only just met in person in the past few days. He’s perfectly entitled to be on there, but of course it did make me a bit sad. I’m struggling to keep my options open because I do like him and obviously when you like someone you want it to work out. I still have my dating profile even though I’m not really using it to swipe through. I was just curious after a few months of speaking to him whether he’d changed anything on his profile, which is why I looked (I know I shouldn’t have really done that!). Additionally he’s an attractive guy and I know he gets attention from quite a few girls, even though I know he doesn’t have a long dating history (he’s not shy but seems a bit reserved). I’ve noticed that he’s had a small number of girls follow him on Instagram and he’s followed them back. He’s also become friends with a few of them on Facebook - it’s possible that he does know them as friends from home but I think it’s unlikely. He says he doesn’t use Facebook that much and only goes on it when he gets tagged in something or has a friend request - it’s even possible that they’ve added him. These girls have clearly displayed that they’re both single on their profiles, so putting two and two together that to me says that they were on the dating app too. I don’t even know if he’s messaging these other girls - it could be the case that he just wants to look as do a lot of men, or maybe they have spoken a bit, I’m not sure. These two girls in particular post a lot of pictures of themselves and they have lots of male followers (I mean over 1,000 on Instagram and one even has over 3,000 friends on Facebook and accepts a lot of guys) so they get lots of male attention.I know I sound a bit crazy but I do overanalyse things a lot - drives me up the wall! But I don’t know how to manage the situation. I know I need to speak with him at some point to make sure we’re on the same page, to confirm that we both like each other and that we want to see how things go. I can’t put my life on hold or put doing this off for too long, it’s already been going for four months. But I’m not sure when is best to have the conversation. I feel like I need to be cool as a cucumber and see how things go, but st the same time I also want to know what’s happening. I’m also scared he’s going to say he doesn’t think it’ll work out with the distance. I like him and I don’t want that to be the answer - he has said to one of our mutual friends (about a month into our texting) that he thought I was lovely but didn’t know how the distance thing would work, but still he kept talking to me and eventually asked me out.Should I wait and see if he does come back in a few weeks and ask him what’s happening then or should I bring it up sooner? Or am I rushing things? Is it a red flag that he’s still likely on the dating app even though I know we’re not exclusive? I’ve never been in this situation before where a guy lives abroad and I feel in a state of limbo, so any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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drunk, facebook, long distance, shy, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2018): Don’t say anything I know how you feel I’m always the one that dose that but, he’s not your anything not even a friend remember that ! You can live 5 minutes away and the same think can happen trust me! Fires yourself to go out with others I have a feeling he is you don’t wanta be the been there done that girl or doormat if nothing better is happening he’ll pick you if this guy has feelings he’ll find a way to see you ok? I’ve had that happen to it’s gonna drive you crazy and you might say something stupid and he’ll think your crazy careful about snooping arouding maybe have a friend do it this happened to me my ex was able to know when I looked? Seriously if he’s still talking to u that’s a good sign just play in cool! Good luck!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2018): Hi, would it be possible for you to visit him while he's abroad? I think that might clear up some things for you.
BTW I really don't mean to sound like a twit, but the word you want is not 'eluded,' it's 'alluded.'
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (3 June 2018):
 Ok so here's my take on it.
If he were as into you or into the budding/potential relationship that you two have, he would have scheduled time to be with you rather than with his friends.
You are far more emotionally invested into this than him when in reality, you barely know him. 4 months of "dating" via text doesn't count; you met him once and had sex and he still left for a guys holiday when he could have chosen to spend time with you, knowing that he won't see you for a long time after this.
Right now you're both clearly not on the same page and I can get why it's unsettling for you but it's not going to get any better with the long distance thing. Don't you think it's better to keep your options open? Date people in your home town who you can meet often. Long distance is hard enough in established relationships and marriages; it's even worse when you hardly know each other. Don't put yourself through this misery.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (2 June 2018):
 I think you need to chill about this guy and stop putting all your eggs in this one basket. You like him, he likes you. Great. However . . . . there is the distance, the fact you have only met once, the fact he fills up his time with activities with his friends.
In your shoes I would consider yourself single until such time as you feel comfortable having the "exclusive" talk. It is far too early after one proper date to even think about that. Get out and about. Date other men. Don't live your life via text.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 June 2018):
 Where do you really see this going?
If he works overseas and is only home every so often for a week (which he fills up with plans with friends and family before heading home) how much ACTUAL face-to-face time with you does he really have?
As for all the people he talks to online... I think it's premature to be considering any of that. BUT if he is still looking, that kind of means he hasn't FOUND what he is looking for... yet.
YOU two are talking and had ONE date in person. It's NOT a relationship... yet.
The long distance thing IS the major issue.
Because it will make it much much harder to make this an actual relationship. I CAN see how it might end up fizzling in the sand because of the distance and I can also see this as him sort of "using" you as a girl back home he can go on a date with and sleep with once every 3-4 months... I mean is that really a future here with this guy?
Is the job overseas something he will be doing for a long time or is it a set amount of time?
If I were you I'd keep having a busy life, go out with friends, spend time with family and then decide FOR YOURSELF if there is any future with this guy or not.
If you really think there is... then next time he comes visit and suggests meeting up, HAVE that conversation face-to-face. see where you both stand.
You ARE in a state of Limbo and will be UNTIL you decide if you can SEE a future here or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2018): I think you’re rushing it.... long story short, you met on a dating app, it’s long distance, you “met” four months ago, now you’ve actually been together once since then, and he’s still active on the dating app. Is that correct?I’m not even saying it won’t work out in the end or he is not interested at all or he doesn’t like you. It’s much simpler: it’s much too early at least on his end, and if you just isolate his actions, he’s not as into it as you are. He’s still prioritizing his time for things that don’t include you, like his friends, holidays, etc. And there’s nothing wrong with him doing that. He’s already expressed his concern about the long distance thing. Don’t feel bad about it though, but also don’t stress. You two don’t seem to be on the same page about “urgency.” So if he’s not rushing along, then please don’t rush along on your own. That will likely just push him farther away.. You seem to know this since you say you should keep your options open, but it’s a matter of accepting it and actually doing just that. Remember, it’s simply he’s not as into it as you are.
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