A
female
age
30-35,
*oodlePixie
writes:Hi, needing a few opinions on my situation.I've been with my boyfriend for not far off 4 years and its been great. Yet there has always been one thing that has worried me and makes me slightly paranoid and that is his constant texting with his girl mates.Now don't get me wrong, i don't mind him having girls as friends or if he texts or meets them, but the content of his texts are often sexual for instance one i read from his girlmate just now said "how many fingers have you used before?" with the followig one saying "as many as you can, it feels good."This is certainly not the first, he's even lied to them about having sex with me saying that he hasn't had any for a long time when in truth we'd been bonking like rabbits all weekend.I've contronted him in the past about this and he gets very defensive that i'm reading his texts but then upset that i think he's cheating on me...yet all the evidence suggests that! I believe him when he says that he isn't yet its certainly not innocent. I've asked him to stop too and he will for a couple of weeks but then begins again. He has also met his girl mates in secret thinking that i don't know, and denies it if i confront him.Please don't tell me to dump him as i'm not planning to...but do you think he is lying to me? And am i right to put my foot down about him texting these girls?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2008): If he is texting other women and the content is sexual, of course you should be upset. In fact, you should be pissed. How dare he think he can do that to you, especially if all you have been is faithful to him? What gives him the right to do as he pleases and hurt you all along. Would he have a fit if you were to do the same? Say you texted male friends and the content was sexual in nature - would that be fine by him? More than likely it would not be. Run this by him and see what he thinks. If he says that it would not bother him, then if I were you I would try it. See what happens then. Of course, you should only do what you think is right, I'm just offering my opinion.
A
female
reader, DoodlePixie +, writes (13 August 2008):
DoodlePixie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, as expected he spent a little while last night acting all upset and defensive that i was reading his texts but after an hour or so began saying he was really sorry and that he would completely stop texting them all together but i only give it a couple of weeks before he starts texting them again. He also promised that he would not delete any texts and allow me to read them openly if i ever feel paranoid.
Thanks for all your help guys, you really gave me the confidence to speak up to him and i'm feeling a lot better about it now =)
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A
female
reader, Roseb33 +, writes (13 August 2008):
Hey :]
ive had a similar situation not far away actualy, only he started on facebook, and then said at the end, shall we have txt sex...
this realy hurt me as i imagine your bf is realy hurting you... tell him how u feel about it, i did and hes promised not to again, i know the chances of this are slim but theres always that hope :)
i hope it all works out for you
and no i dont think your rong toput yourfoot down at all! :) xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2008): get rid!!! this guy obviously isnt being genuine. why does he need to text other girls of a sexual content whilst hes with you! obviously theres something more going on. having friends is one thing yeah, and maybe he lied because he didnt want to hurt you but in this respect why do something when he knows its going to hurt you. surely if he loved you he wouldnt want to hurt you???
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A
female
reader, DoodlePixie +, writes (12 August 2008):
DoodlePixie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies guys, i just sorta ased him about these one's a found today and he did what he normally does: play dumb.I asked him if he were feeling sexually frustrated if he feels the need to have such sexual conversations with these girls. He simply said "what are you talking about, what texts?" i told him i'd read them and brought in other examples that i've come across in the past and he just said he didn't get what i meant. Lost any confidence to go further into it after that as it just makes me feel like i'm being a silly little girl/controlling and paranoid.Heh, and as much as i'd like the councilling...we're not married so i don't think i'd push it into a situation as serious as that.And he tends to text them during the day whilst he's at work. He gets "bored" apparently so burns the time texting as many people as he can. I feel like i should just forget about it and let him have his privacy because, as i said, we're not married and i can't control who he speaks to. Yet with the sexual content of the texts he obviously doesn't realise that i don't like it, even when i directly tell him.Thanks again for your replies, any new thoughts concerning what i just added?
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female
reader, Lilly Rose +, writes (12 August 2008):
 Start texting other men! See how he likes it. If he had any respect for you he would not be texting anyone involving sexual context. Tell him how sad its making you and if he still does it then it proberly is time to move on....find a real man who gives you all his attention and not other women!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2008): This is just wrong. For some reason people think texting falls into some protective catagory of 'anything goes'. Now if he were writing these ladies letters each day..does that put it into a different catagory.?
I think you should go for some therapy...I'm not trying to say this to be mean, but if you are going to stay with him, you need to learn how to live with this without becoming bitter and angry. I think you will need help with that. If you can't live with it and you continue to bring it up, you will cause arguments that will ruin your relationship.
He needs someone to tell him this is wrong, coming from you isn't effective no matter how many times you tell him, no matter how many times you word it, he will block it out and not acknowledge how it hurts you. However, you can't force him into therapy and you can't force him into changing his bavior, you can only change YOU.
While you are at the therapist's office, please ask to learn how to love yourself. When you love and accept yourself, you will not allow other people to treat you with anything but love. It's important that you do this while you are young.
Sorry we don't have any short and easy ways to help you here. I hope this helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2008): go girl go tell him wats wat ye lyk u sed theres nowt wrong with him having gurl friends and txin meetin but if theese texts r sexual slam that foot down hard and make him understand your not happy with it
and you say constant texes have you read all of theese and r u around wen hes doing it like wen your in bed together or watchin tv together
if he is thats really inconsiderate (hope i spelt that rite)
so ye make sure you tell him this and **good luk** xox
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A
female
reader, bellachic385 +, writes (12 August 2008):
 I think you are right to be worried and annoyed by this behavior.
It seems like it is more then just a friendly convorsation. If he is hiding it from you, that might mean that there is more that you don't know about.
It seems like this relationship needs couseling. I do think you should put your foot down, anyone in a happy long relationship shouldn't be looking for anyone.
I wish you the best.
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, superrrshawna  +, writes (12 August 2008):
 yes he is lying to you. you have basically said so yourself. and yes you are right in putting your foot down, even though it doesn't seem to be doing much good. it's a shame you have made up your mind to stay with him, because i would have done my best to convince you otherwise. he isn't giving you the princess treatment you deserve!
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