A
female
age
30-35,
*ncendia1990
writes:Dear Agony Aunts and Uncles, I really need your advice because this situation is really, really upsetting me/ making me nervous. You see, my boyfriend and I have been together for nine months and I've known him for a year, at least. He is a very sweet, warm-hearted guy who is dorky and adorable and loyal too. He means a great deal to me and I've put way more effort in this relationship than I ever have in any relationship before this, which includes being completely open and honest, especially about things that bother me. Our relationship has gone extremely well, even with a spat or misunderstanding here and there.Because of how well our relationship is going, how happy we are, and how long we've known each other, we have thought about things like marriage and moving in together and such. We've looked at apartments together and last night he kept pointing out rings, trying to find out what kind of cut I like and stuff (which I told him that I had never thought about). The problem is that we were relaxing together and I asked him if he was sure he wants to marry me (I always do this thing with him were we joke back and forth like this) and in all seriousness he informed me that he wants to but he doesn't want to rush into it or anything because he has seen marriages fail or the couple get bored with each other (which is understandable). The reason I got upset though was that he did not tell me before now (and we have been talking here and there about marriage for at least two months) and so my feeling is, if I didn't ask, how long would he have waited to tell me he doesn't want to get married yet? I did talk to him about what upset me and he did say that he didn't know how to put it (which happens with him sometimes; there's times when he says something one way while really meaning it another way or doesn't way something right at all, leading to confusion or misunderstandings). But I don't know whether to let it go or keep a slight distance now because as I said, I keep it in my mind to be as open and honest as possible with him and he promised me to do the same. Am I right in being upset or am I just making a mountain out of a molehill? Either way, I'm determined to work it out but the other thing is, too, I feel like I might be making it hard for him to tell me stuff if I'm getting upset like this. :/ Reply to this Question
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female
reader, incendia1990 +, writes (24 April 2012):
incendia1990 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks everyone. :) I did talk to him. It wasn't the waiting to get married that upset me but the him not telling me why but he explained that he just didn't know how to say it and that he didn't realize that the reasoning was something I wanted to know. I did make sure he knew that I was appreciative of his honesty and that he can tell me anything. I also did apologize for getting upset and explained why I was upset, which he understood so everything is good now. I did tell him I'm not looking to rush into such an important thing but I just want him to be able to be open with me. I brought up the fact that I acknowledge that I may be making it hard for him to open up to me with things but he said that I'm not so that's the good thing. I did try to keep a level head when analyzing the situation and the exact problem/ misunderstanding but I guess it didn't work well enough. XD In short, all is well and we are both on the same page so I'm relieved. :D
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (24 April 2012):
 He didn't tell you because he thought hearing the truth would make you upset. Now that he's told you... you're upset.
I'm right there with him. There's a 50% divorce rate - you don't think that half of all couples walk to the altar and say, "Yeah, this'll last two years, tops," do you? Or do most of them sincerely think it'll be forever?
But the thing is, most girls can't stand to hear that, because in their heads, it sounds like a personal accusation rather than an objective, detached risk assessment. So he assumed that, like most girls, you would not want to hear that, and his best course of action was to take his time and handle it his own way rather than putting it out there right away.
You say that you think his concerns are sensible, and that's a very good sign. But without the benefit of hindsight, he had no way to know how you would react, so he did what he thought was best.
More good news, you can fix this. Go to him and apologize for getting upset. Thank him for being honest, and assure him that in the future, you'll try to be more understanding, and you hope he'll try to be more forthcoming (which should be easier if you're willing to take the time to understand him before getting upset).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2012): I think that you are stressing yourself out over nothing. You and your man have been friends for a year, but you have only been a couple for 9 mths. So yes I can see his hesitation about not wanting to jump right into a marriage. It does not mean that he doesn't want to marry you, just not right now. Just let it go, but don't pull away from him and the relationship. What you have is a true treasure...he is not just your friend, but you lover. Wishing you all the best :)
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A
female
reader, traeumerin242 +, writes (24 April 2012):
Let this one go. It sounds like he was honest with you about his feelings, which is the most important thing. The fact that he has been talking with you for the past two months about marriage means the thought has crossed his mind, and he probably has been considering the possibility during that entire time. However, since he admitted that he has his reservations based on his observations of other couples, he probably did not feel it was right to bring it up with you seriously since he is still indecisive.My guess is that if your boyfriend knew for certain he wanted to marry you, he would feel the pressure to buy you a ring and propose. There's no sense in delaying an engagement once you are certain that you want to marry each other. This could be why he has been holding back, that he doesn't want to tell you something and get your hopes up if he isn't completely convinced that he wants to marry you.Give it some time. If the talk of marriage persists, especially if it becomes more frequent, it's probably the case that he will propose soon enough. If the talk of marriage starts to disappear, it may be that he has decided against it.
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