A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Am I right to be upset?My serious bf of 4 years and me have friends in common. I've been busy so I have not hung out with them. My bf kept hanging out with them, and it got to a point where they just do stuff all together and do not even invite me and kept excluding me.when I asked my bf why, he answered "I thought you were mad at them or you guys had gotten in a fight"I was very surprised as I was not mad at my friends at all, I was just very busy at work/school. My bf did not even bother to ask me why I was "mad" or why I had "fought" with our close friends, he kept going out with them even though he thought I was upset at them.I asked my bf, why if you thought I was mad/fighting with our friends, were you not even concerned about the reason why I was mad and KEPT going out with them even when you thought that I did not approve of them? Didnt you care about my feelings?He said: It did not matter the reason I was mad or upset with them, that either way they were his friends too, the fact that I was fighting/mad at them did not influence his decisions or lessen his want to go out with them, so he just chose to not include me to avoid an argument.He kept doing everything, but excluding me.I wasn't mad at my friends at all, I was just very busy, he just got that impression. Am I right to be upset ??? It upsets me that even if people upset me he would not care to even know the reason, or he would keep hanging out with friends regardless of my feelings...
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (3 November 2012):
I'm pretty lost here because you said that you have no issues with them. So you are mad at him for his choice of hanging with people who he thought, you were mad at.
But they aren't people. They are his friends. He has just as much right to hang out with them as you do. He was in fact being very respectful by not getting in the middle, or taking sides or being over assuming of the situation between you and them. If you had some wrong done against you, then you would have a right to say what it is and he can't stop hanging with them. But if something did happen, and you say nothing, then the most any guy would assume is a petty fight. At the end of the day you are just making the situation seem bigger than what it is, and creating problems when there aren't any, all to cover your insecurity.
Don't misdirect your anger at him, it is not his fault because you had just as much right to tell him what was going on with you. Now you are angry at him for the type of person he is, which essentially is nothing to be angry for. Communication is very important as you can see why.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 November 2012):
 I do think he should have asked, but on the other hand YOU could have brought it up the first time you felt excluded and the "drama" would not have evolved to a point where you feel left out.
And I agree they ARE his friends too and if you were to busy to hang out, I assume you were too busy to do stuff with him too, can't see why he should sit at home, just because YOU are busy.
I have a friend my hubby can't stand. Just because HE doesn't like her does it mean I shouldn't hang out with her? She is my polar opposite, but the friendship seems to benefit the both of us. Needless to say I DO still hang out with her and he has a friend I don't really like either, but I don't mind then hanging out.
What if you didn't like Italian food, should he then NEVER eat it again? Even when you aren't around?
I think you two need to just talk about WHY he didn't ask you if you were upset and maybe you should be better at letting him know that when you are BUSY - friends are not so high on your priority list, which is OK too.
Talk instead of building up resentment over something that was really JUST a misunderstanding.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (3 November 2012):
 I don't think he didn't care or intended to disregard your feelings, I think he just thought he had it all figured out and that there was no reason to follow up, cause he knew what was up, and was just trying to respect your views of them (even if he got the views wrong!).
I do agree with him in that if my sig O got mad at a group of friends, I wouldn't just knee-jerkly side with my bf, because if I don't have beef with them then I'm not going to take on other people's battles. You can certainly explain to him that your feelings were hurt that he didn't follow up with you on all this stuff, but in my view it's just a misunderstanding of where each other was coming from based on a lack of communication, and I'm not sure if that would further each other's understanding of the issues. but if you think it would help, go for it.
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