A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Am I right to be upset about my boyfriend going out for the day with his male friends?. He is going out for the day with his male friends this afternoon. He said no women are allowed. He said they go on a day out together every year. He also told me that another woman he knows tried to go with them once, before we met, so they went to a different area instead so that she wouldnt be with them. Does anyone find that odd?. What actually happens on a mans day out ?. He said they will be going drinking, but I am worried because even though there will be no women with them, there could still be women around who might talk to them. Part of my insecurity comes from what I went through with my ex boyfriends, and because I have Asperger syndrome, anxiety, and depression, and because my boyfriend never goes out with me. They are going out to a different town. My boyfriend and I only meet either at his local pub that he goes in most days, or at my house. It upsets me and I feel left out. What do you think about it?. I am 32 and he is 50. He is a carer for his elderly father, so I agree that he needs a break, but it should be equal and he should go somewhere with me too.
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female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (21 June 2016):
Him going out with his friends is no big deal. As long as he balances his 'boys time' with quality time with you then its all good. But your update post bothered me. He sounds inconsiderate or selfish. Telling you he is hungover then meeting up with his friends again seems odd.
He's being shifty. If you've broken up with him call it a lesson learned and for now work on any issues you have from past relationship let downs. You'll be better equipped for your next relationship.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (20 June 2016):
 Too soon for a new guy, I think. You barely saw that this current relationship was dodgy, so I think you need to take some time out to re-evaluate your boundaries. What is and isn't okay in a relationship for you? Then, if it's reasonable, stick to it :)
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 June 2016):
 Well, congratulations. Maybe you don't see this like a happy ending right now, but it is. He sort of forced you to throw the towel, but he saved you time and stress since it was going to happen anyway because of your basic lack of compatibility.
I think you overlooked a few things, but mostly the problem of his drinking habits. You are a non-drinker and he is, if not an alcohoolist, ... a big lush. Difficult match , between a non - drinker and a heavy drinker.
The non- drinker may try to be a good sport, in the sense of not lecturing the partner about the health damages from drinking, or of laughing it off when he comes home tipsy, or even of turning a blind eye in front of huuuge excesses occasionally... but , at the end of the day, the non- drinker will get very BORED of only doing things that involve alcohol as entertainment. Even if the partner is sober during the working week and just a weekend warrior,.. . well, it is boring and uncomfortable for the non drinker dragging the night on till the wee hours nursing a big glass of ..mineral water and listening to drunk talks . And the non drinker will get frustrated when on a Sunday morning she is up and ready for going swimming or walking or shopping etc..... and she will have nonetheless to wait until 5 p.m. that the heavy drinker opens his eyes and comes back to the world (grumpy because of a big hangover ).
Boredom sets in, and boredom is a couple-killer, even when personalities match. And when they don't... forget about.
Do not regret your decision- and let him be off / off ! this time.
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A
female
reader, like I see it  +, writes (19 June 2016):
 I think you have received some excellent advice and would second all those who say that taken alone, the day out is no big deal.
I just wanted to add that red flags flew for me when you mentioned you only meet him at your house or at the pub, and that he's never available at the times you'd like to set up dates. He's spun this whole story about lack of experience/not dating in decades/etc. but I honestly wouldn't be surprised if this guy is married to someone else already and THAT's why he's been out of the dating scene. (Unless of course your town is so small that people would notice him going to a pub with you, and that news would get back to his wife if he has one.)
The fact that outings anywhere other than the pub are off limits for a grown man of 50 just feels ...off... to me. He has the time to go to a pub to meet you; why couldn't he use that time to meet you for one of the other outings you've suggested, especially since you don't even drink alcohol? Something is up.
I think you should pass on both this guy and the last ex's brother. Janniepeg explained perfectly why that situation could get awkward. Men obviously find you attractive and interesting, so hold out for one who's what YOU want in a partner also.
Good luck and best wishes!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2016): An update everyone. I have ended it with the on/off boyfriend. He was supposed to meet me today, but he said he was feeling rough after yesterday, but he went in the local pub for a few hours this afternoon
. I sent a text message saying that he was taking advantage of me and said he is a drunk and a user (some foul language came in to it too!!). He also said something that disgusted me. He told me that he drank a lot yesterday because of the stress of looking after his dad. How could he blame his dad like that??. He chose to drink, his dad didnt make him do it, and drink doesnt solve anything anyway. I have really had enough of him now. I think yesterdays outing and him making excuses again today is the final straw.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 June 2016):
 Your former ex's brother sounds better than this moron, but still, there's a code that you don't date ex's family members. If the only thing you like is that he's your age, and he doesn't drink, that still doesn't make it right. The reason that your relationship didn't work out with his brother will probably be the reason why your future relationship wouldn't work out either. I think he is quite an opportunist and was waiting for you to break up. He is sniffing around for relationship troubles and now he's trying again. That's not a respectful thing to do for his brother. Just imagine it, let's say you and him get serious enough to be brought to family functions. Then your ex would be thinking, "I've been inside her, now my brother is inside her." Even the coolest person will find this awkward, while the commonest response would be anger and disgust.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2016): Something else has happened. My ex boyfriends brother has asked me out!. This is an ex who I went out with for a few months last year. His brother seems to be a nicer person than my ex. His brother and I have been friends for about fourteen months. He is a year younger than me, and he never drinks alcohol ( like me). Should I give it a chance?
. Or is it too soon?.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (19 June 2016):
I think you're missing the point, OP; I know you like this guy, but you really don't have a future with him. I think you know that, but may not be ready to accept it, which is wasting your time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2016): My alarm bells have been ringing reading most of this, but one of the things that really perturbed me was this:"Just so you know, we haven't had intercourse with each other yet, although, we did start getting more intimate recently, more touching and oral sex. We were talking on the phone last night ( earlier in the day, we had been arguing about this trip, and then a few hours later, he sent me a text message asking if I loved him, and then we talked), and he randomly asked me if I would have full sex with him sometime!. We were talking about something else, and then he brought that in to the conversation. He has been respectful about the intimate things, so I'm not really sure if he is only with me for sex. He does call me sexy a lot and mentions what he wants to do sometimes"Sounds like he is hanging out for sex. Texting do you love him? What? Is he 15 years old mentally or something? Is he all there? RANDOMLY asking if he can have full sex with you is not something loving, or kind, or respectful in my eyes, especially for a 50 year old man who should know better and who, the rest of the time, treats you like an afterthought.What exactly are you getting out of this situation? I could not write relationship, as for me, a relationship needs a LOT more to build on than meeting the other person in their local pub when it is convenient for them and that is about it.I would sit down and ask yourself how it makes you happy. It should not be this complex at this stage in the game. He is disrespecting you by the way he "fits you in" when it suits him AND by asking when will you have sex!! Sex should be a natural progression out of chemistry and deeper feelings for each other.All in all it seems you are selling yourself VERY short in this situation. Also the age gap is massive and in 10 to 15 years time (God help you I hope you are NOT still dancing this strange dance with him).. but he will be in his sixties and you in your forties and THEN his habits will be even more engrained and you will find yourself wanting to spend time with people your own age.Having said that, your situation is phone based... you spend next to no time with him anyway! Do you have a decent group of friends? Maybe you need more socialising and fun in your life and stop hoping that this moron with the mind of a teenager and a VERY selfish attitude will be the source of that!!By the way, did you ask this question somewhere else? It sounds familiar to another one where the guy is caring for his father and never takes the woman out except to the pub if it isn't raining and there is an age difference? If so, you have my permission to wave him goodbye!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (19 June 2016):
As of now, I'd leave kids totally out of the equation ( and if you decide to be intimate with this guy, you should make sure you are on birth control ).
This is an on/off " relationship ", so... not even a relationship yet, it's a something which is still very unstable, volatile, uncommitted,- it's really not the case for now to think about having children , or worse, of actually having them .
I say " uncommitted " even if I am sure your guy is monogamous - but committment does not refer just to being sexually exclusive. For the time being, you can't make him commit- i.e. take the responsibily of, and follow through,- even just for having regular dates, or for seeing him , if not as often as you want, a bit more than now. Right now it's still pretty much a tug-of-war, where you pull for attention and companionships, and he pulls on the other side to maintain his old bachelor ways absolutely intact.
So, either he comes around and learns to ACT like a boyfriend, not just to say he is one, - or , probably and hopefully !, you'll get tired of arguments, drama, and not getting your needs met, and you'll call it a day.
But this - i.e. learning to have a functional relationship - must come sooner than making plans for a common future.
I also have to say that in your shoes I would not count on the chance that he would actually consider marriage.
" When pigs fly " is a strong enough statement and it says it all. Yes, of course he could be kidding, or annoyed with his friends, etc... but, I still don't think these are the words who would come out first from the mouth of someone who is seriously interested and looking for committment.
Plus, let's be objective here,... and mind you, I am no spring chicken myself so I am surely not putting down mature gentlemen ( and ladies ) but... " maybe in future " ? ...
He is 50, for Pete's sake, when does his future start ?? What is he waiting for ? .. Of course I have nothing against this guy, and I wish him to reach 110 . But, statistically that's not very probable, he has not the same long stretch of years in front of himself as a 20something, so if he wants to do something serious,like raisisng a family,- he can't talk like a 20something :
" maybe , one day... in future... when I grow up ": HIS future , has already started !
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (19 June 2016):
 I don't think the boys night out is a problem, it's the other things that are more worrying. For one thing, you have 18 years between you. That's a whole generation apart. He's a 50 year old man, almost old enough to be your father, who says he doesn't have much money, he cries on the phone(good God!!) and throws the phone during arguments.
Are you sure he's mentally 100% normal?
Also, he said he hasn't had sex in the last 25 years! I don't know how it's even possible! He never had a girlfriend between the ex and you? Never wanted to have sex? Get married? Settle down?
Now as regards having kids, that's entirely your choice but are you sure that having this man as the father is the best idea? Just because you're running out of time doesn't mean you're running out of options. Take this decision wisely and reconsider this relationship. This man honestly seems like a very drab, dull proposition with nothing much on offer for you. Plus, by the time you're 40, your kids will be 10, he'll be touching 60 and soon you'll be one caring for the elderly. Please don't get wrong, there's nothing bad about that, all in saying is, why voluntarily get into this situation when it can be avoided?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2016): Its been on and off because, like I said, I have tried to make plans with him sometimes, but he has given reasons not to.
He told me that he got separated from the group today when he went to buy a souvenir for me. He made his way back home. He contacted me when he was on his way back. He drank more than usual, but I'm not sure how much more, and said he had missed me a lot today, and said he had a nice break today away from the stress at home. He said he will go on a day out with me next week too, but I will need to see if that does happen.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (18 June 2016):
I see a *major* problem: 8 months "on and off". Why has it already been "on and off" during only 8 months?
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (18 June 2016):
What happens on a men’s day out depends on the men and what they enjoy doing. Is it a problem? Absolutely not. It is a perfectly normal thing to do. Do you have girls’ nights with your friends? If you do, then you shouldn’t have a double standard. If you don’t, you should know that many women do have a night out with the ladies and it’s a man-free zone.
I think you’re anxious about it because you’re not feeling appreciated in this relationship. A day out with the lads becomes in your mind a day that he’s chosen to be away from you. What you need to do is tell him that you’re not happy and suggest things that would make things better. So you’re tired of meeting at the pub or your house? Suggest something else: come up with something you both might enjoy and suggest you go there together. Tell him that you want to spend quality time with him, and if he declines then encourage him to offer another idea.
The way to address problems like this is to be constructive and offer new ideas. When he needs a break, he doesn’t have to spend it with you all the time, but it should be some of the time. Unfortunately if you moan and complain about him seeing his male friends, it will frustrate him even further and make everything worse. Instead, be kind: tell him it’s fine to see friends, acknowledge the difficulties he has in his life and be positive about wanting to do different things together as a couple. But whatever you do, don’t live in each other’s pockets but have space and time apart from each other as well.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2016): Thanks everyone for your replies. He never takes me out on dates. We only ever meet in his local pub that he goes in most days. That is in the town we both live in. We have been out around the town centre a few times where we live too, but again, he wanted to go on pubs then, and we looked around the shops. We have been together for eight months on and off. Just so you know, we haven't had intercourse with each other yet, although, we did start getting more intimate recently, more touching and oral sex. We were talking on the phone last night ( earlier in the day, we had been arguing about this trip, and then a few hours later, he sent me a text message asking if I loved him, and then we talked), and he randomly asked me if I would have full sex with him sometime!. We were talking about something else, and then he brought that in to the conversation. He has been respectful about the intimate things, so I'm not really sure if he is only with me for sex. He does call me sexy a lot and mentions what he wants to do sometimes. I try to plan dates, but there is always some reason as to why he cant go. I understand the issues with caring for his elderly dad, but he gives other reasons not to go too, such as not having much money, bad weather, and even the football that is on tv at the moment. He had a couple of one night stands when he was in his twenties, and the last girlfriend that he had before me was when he was between 24-26 years old. He didn't date or sleep with anyone at all during that time between when he finished with his last girlfriend and meeting me. When we first met, he told.me that we would just be friends because he was set in his ways, but he was the one who asked me out. Our first date was seeing a film at the cinema, and we went to a concert once. I'm not sure if I would like to have kids or not. Sometimes I have thought that I would like to, but I will just see how i feel when I am ready for them ( if I ever am). Having Aspergers Syndrome puts me off having them because I'm not sure if I would be able to look after them properly, and I dont want to pass my aspergers syndrome on to them. My on/off boyfriend made a joke a few days ago by saying that we should go in to my room and make a baby. We were talking about future things then, and having kids came up. We weren't saying whether we would like to have them or not, we were his talking about what it could be like if we did. O would worry though because I have heard of other women who have been married and had kids and their husbands have still gone to the pub a lot and thru have been upset about it. I don't want that for the rest of my life. Sometimes when he has given reasons not to see me, I have wondered whether he would say those things if we were married and had kids, and if he wouldn't look after them properly. I know some.people change when they have kids, but it does worry me. I have been upset about some comments he has made, as sometimes, his friends have teased us by asking when we are getting married and having kids., and he has said things such as "when pigs fly", "when you are dead" ( meaning his friend) or he has sworn at them. I dont know if that's because he wouldn't want to do that, or if he says that because he gets fed up with the teasing from his friends. But other times, he has said to me that maybe it would be possible in the future. It is very confusing.I know he might find it difficult having a relationship because he isn't really used to it, but is that fair on me?. I have asked him if he would rather be single, but he keeps saying that he wants to be with me. He told.me that he was crying on the phone yesterday, and he threw his phone on the floor when we were arguing.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (18 June 2016):
 Personally I cant see an issue and encourage my fella to do just that every now and then. I Think it is healthy to be able to hang out and chew the fat and do dude things. IMHO, if you are worried about other women socialising with him while you are not around, then you should be worried about women at work, at the local shop or what ever. The opportunity to get up to no good can present it self in many other places not just the pub. Try not to stress and make a big deal of it, thats my advice anyway.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (18 June 2016):
His men's day out is a non-issue. If you're worried about women talking to him, that's your insecurity, as he could have that happen at any time - though going to another town and not telling that woman is harsh; they should have just told her more firmly not to join them.As for him not taking you out, *that's* a problem. You want to be taken out and deserve to be, but he's not fussed. Do you go on dates? How long have you been together? How often do you see each other? Do you plan dates or does he plan some? It doesn't sound like you're very happy in this relationship, so answers to those questions will help me give you more advice.I'm going to throw two more questions out there to make you think: at 32, what do you want for your future (are kids in that?)? At 50 and/or with his personality, is he in the right position to give that to you?
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 June 2016):
The once-a-year man's day sounds like a rather innocuous tradition. If your worry is that in that occasion he might talk to, or be approached by, other women, he does not need to go on a man's day out for that. It could happen any time he goes to the pub on his own, or to a coffee shop, or to buy groceries at the supermarket. Everywhere. The problem is never the level of "exposure " a man may have to women, but his interest , or lack of the same, in taking advantage of a possible choice he is being offered.
So if yours is an issue of jealousy,- either he is on the lookout for distractions , or he is not. And if he is, he could find his way to mischief even at Sunday mass.
If your complaint instead is that he is not giving you priority and not sharing enough of his free time with you, well, this is nothing new, is it ?, regardless of this men's day out. This is the guy that does not come to see you when the weather is not good, or there's football on TV. He does not plan dates, he lets you fit in in his schedule when this means no effort for him. So , clearly, your relationship is not a priority for him.
This is less " personal " than it sounds. I think that's very hard to teach an old dog new tricks, and this is a man who is 50 and has been single for all his adult life after a couple of romps in his 20s. Not the kind of person for whom accomodating a partner's needs comes easy or natural.
If you want someone who puts you first in his life,- he's not the one and so far he has already shown it abundantly.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (18 June 2016):
 There are two separate issues here
1. The men only day out
2. He doesn't take you out
I'll deal with the second issue first, if you and your boyfriend meet up at his local pub, where he would be going anyway, that does not qualify as he and you going somewhere, as would be usual between boyfriend and girlfriend. If there is some sort of "payoff" when he visits your house, such as you providing a meal, or having sex, then that also does not qualify as you and he going out, or being girlfriend and boyfriend. Without you and he sharing other activities besides him getting something when he visits your house, or you going to his local pub to see him I would strongly suggest that you and he are not boyfriend and girlfriend, and that you seriously consider if this relationship is;
1. an honest relationship ie really boyfriend and girlfriend
2. if the relationship ADDS quality to you life, or detracts from it
To be honest it doesn't sound like a good relationship to me. He doesn't appear to be doing anything for this relationship, so I am asking, what's in it for him? Sex? The occasional meal? Think about it.
The issue of a men only outing, I wouldn't see a problem with it, especially if it is a tradition of some years standing, on the surface it appears harmless, and women talking to men, really? Where is the harm in people talking to each other, REGARDLESS of gender. Even if he IS your boyfriend (though it doesn't sound like it to me)he is not your possession and he can talk to whoever he choses.
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