A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 21 yr old female still living at home with my mother, maternal grandmother, younger brother and cat.On good days I can deal with my mother. She jokes around and she's calm. But on bad days she's easily set off, moody, stubborn. Today is a bad day.My grandmother and I were meant to go with her to look at a house that is for sale. My grandmother decided not to go and I pulled out because my friend, who was going to stay tonight, wasn't sure how to catch a bus to my house so I was going to go catch one with her. My mums mood completely changed. I don't know if it's because my grandmother and I didn't come or because I had done something else. I did jokingly call her 'farty arse' last night because I thought she passed wind. At the time I was sure she took it as a joke, the way it was intended. But maybe I was wrong.I restrain myself a lot around my mother because I don't want to upset her. When she's upset she has a way of making me feel like i'm a horrible and selfish person. For example; when my parents split two years ago, her choice, she was sad one night. I offered support to her by saying something like, 'It's okay. It's not easy for any of us.' She turned to me and said, 'How can you say that? You wanted this!' I didn't mean to offend her. We didn't speak for a few days. I eventually went over to her and hugged her. I tried palming it off like she was just taking her anger out on me. But maybe I am to blame.My mother isn't home at the moment. It's going to be very difficult and awkward when she does get home. She turns herself off emotionally. She's very difficult to talk to when you're the one who has upset her. If I point out that i'm upset over something she said/did, she will turn around and say that I did this, said that.I know that she's going to be very closed off when she gets back from where ever she is. I've warned my younger brother to stay out of her hair when she gets home, so that he doesn't get his head bitten off.Maybe my mother is easily upset by me because she relies on me so much, or maybe I am the horrible and selfish person that she makes me feel like.I don't know what to do anymore. I'm struggling to keep my head above the water. I really don't want to fall into a deep depression again. I'm only just holding on as it is.I truly appreciate the advice anyone gives me, and i'm sorry that the description was so long.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2013): You need to tell her to knock it off the next time when she starts making you a bad guy. Start keeping a journal of these incidents. Then at some point you have to read her the journal to show her the pattern. You shouldn't have to walk on egg shells all the time. If she refuses to see her own patterns of behavior then I think it is best to put distance between yourself and her. If she eventually decides she wants to get closer again she will have to restrain herself. Otherwise you have to be willing to limit your ties to her.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (6 December 2013):
 You're not a horrible selfish person OP and neither is your mother. You are both fighting your battles; you're fighting to win the love and approval of your mother and she's fighting to keep herself sane after her divorce, which seems to have hit her very badly even though she wanted it herself.
OP I am sure your mother didn't mean what she said about you being responsible for her divorce. Maybe during a difficult time in your parents marriage you tried to offer her support by saying that she might be better off without your father? I don't know, I'm just saying that it might have been that.
And farty arse? Really OP? That's not how you talk to your mom!! No wonder she was mad at you!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 December 2013):
 Well it could be hormonal mood swings, it could be SHE is depressed, stressed, financially screwed and hating HER life right now and not dealing with it well.
I would sit her down when she seems in a good mood, and talk to her about how you feel.
YOU are not to blame for the divorce. A divorce as much as it touches the WHOLE family, is actually between TWO people, the husband and the wife. It's not that you wren't a good enough child, or helpful enough or whatever you think, that made then divorce. THE marriage wasn't working and the reason for that is between THEM.
You shouldn't have to feel like you need to walk on egg shells around her and that is who I'd suggest you talk to her WHEN she has a good day.
Have you talked to your grandmother about it? Maybe she can offer some support.
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