A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please help me understand if I'm overreacting. Here is some backgrounds, I'm 40, divorced, have a kid and started dating online.I don't like to date few people at once so I focused on the first guy that I started talking to. He is 42 single, highly educated and we both have nice but busy jobs. He was really interested and after few times talking we deactivated the accounts to see how it goes. It has been one month and we have met 3 times. The first date was ok I wasn't really attracted to him. I know it sounds superficial but maybe because my style taste was completely different than his. I told him I'm not sure and I don't feel anything but he was insisting to give it a chance. He sent me some flowers and surprised me even I said I'm not sure if there is any spark. He is a good guy and after seeing him for the second time I felt better. He canceled the second date once because his sister was coming to his house with a short notice. I said fine and we met the next day for coffee. This is my first date 2 years after divorce so still wasn't sure as my ex is kind of involved in my life mostly for my kid. The guy was asking that I should be completely free otherwise it will become complicated so I asked for time. We met the third time to see each other for the last time and I have my time to sort out the stuff. The date was great, he totally changed his style too! which I really liked. He ended up kissing me for the first time. It didn't supposed to go this way but we started chatting even more. From the start we have been talking for 2 hours every night. He told me few days ago that he is going to see a game on Saturday but later told me that it was cancelled and asked if we can meet on Saturday night and I agreed. This morning he text me that he is so sorry and his plan has changed and he should go to the game because his friend purchased a ticket for him and he asked his friend if he can go with someone else and he said he doesn't have anyone else and said I hope you are not mad. I wasn't mad but kind of feeling I'm a backup plan. He insisted that that's not true and I'm the priority and he is sacrificing by talking every nigh and making time for us with his tight schedule and this is not fair if I think this way. I felt worse and said this is not a sacrifice and we both have busy life and everybody who is dating make time to know each other and it's not a big deal. He knows that I got divorced from my ex just because I was never his priority and his family were number one all the time. In one month he has cancelled twice and this really triggers the feeling and I don't want to date the same ex type guy. He said this is not fair to carry the past baggage to this relationship and he is falling in love with me and shouldn't feel he is walking on eggshells. Am I over reacting?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2017): No it does seem like a red flag and quite suspicious that he keeps rearranging dates. I would be wondering myself, and not because of any ex-husband baggage. I would just find it strange, and possibly that he is making up excuses because he is flaky. I think that his friend wasn't sure if he could go out, so he made plans with you, then cancelled when his friend wanted to hang at the last minute.
Nah, I wouldn't go for a guy like that.
A
female
reader, 02DuszJ  +, writes (16 January 2017):
 I agree completely with Honeypie about doing your best to not compare him, bringing baggage along... HOWEVER I don't believe that it's a good sign when you talk about feelings and your partner dismisses it or big red flag- gets tantrummy!If you care for someone, their concerns should become something you want to understand and alleviate, not make you touchy or angry. He says he thinks he's falling in love, so he must understand in an adult relationship opening up to each other, and sharing concerns feelings is a part of that.. I think if you really like him, enjoy his company and his character in general, there isn't much harm in taking it slow and seeing where it goes... - With the cancelling thing, obvious keep your eyes open and notice if it does become a pattern after so many months... then i would maybe reevaluate and slow things. Follow your instincts first and foremost (not that need to tell you that lol)Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (15 January 2017):
 This made me laugh a bit - but not at what you wrote. It just reminded me of a friend who has recently started a relationship with someone after living with her ex for about 15 years.
The first couple of dates they planned had to be cancelled/re-arranged because of stuff which came up for him (he has a child from his previous marriage). She was a bit like you. She was getting a bit "well, if I am not his first priority, then I am not going to be someone's plan B again" (how her ex treated her). I realize a child is a higher priority than a game but same sort of scenario. This friend was all for packing in the relationship before it had even got off the ground but I talked her round and made her realize "sh*t happens". She decided to hang in there and, a few months down the line, they are really making a go of things and she is really happy.
It's early days. Don't judge him by what your ex did. Give him a few chances to either prove himself or to prove YOU right, then act accordingly.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2017): OP- Thanks for the advise Honeypie. He agreed that sacrificing is not a proper word here!. He told me that he is afraid to plan ahead now and he thinks maybe if we plan to meet the same day would be better but that wasn't my point. I can see his point of view basically because he had not watched any games in 2 weeks and instead we met the other game night and also talking every night now he can cancel our date for the final game and we can meet another day. The ticket wad already purchased for him! So he couldn't say no. Also he said he doesn't care about the game! Obviously he did! You are right I should talk directly about his actions and not relating it to my past. The reason that I went for it was he seemed like a nice guy. He is very well spoken, living a healthy normal life.I mentioned that it won't be any physical intimacy outside the marriage and he said I respect you and accepted it. I will give it another chance and if I see this is a pattern then I'm done.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 January 2017):
 I agree with him that it's NOT fair that you judge him based on past experiences. However, if your EXPERIENCE is that when someone cancels it's because YOU are not a priority, then THAT is how it makes you feel.
In short, don't drag out what the ex-husband did every time you are not quite happy with THIS guy's actions. DO NOT compare.
I agree that it's BULLSHIT to say that he is "sacrificing" his evenings to talk to you. What are you doing then? Because you are a woman it's not a sacrifice or what?
And YOU are right when you say, dating someone means YOU take the time to get to know them.
You were BOTH trying to make each other "feel bad" for this. Him for being called out on the canceling and priority thing and you for bringing up past bad experiences.
I can't imagine him having friends who NEED him to go to a game and hold their hand. Seriously.
He ONLY asked you out that day because the "original plan" (him going to the game) fell through - then nixed YOUR date to go to this game after all... I can SEE why you felt YOU were not a priority, but an afterthought in his plans.
I think it's it ENTIRELY up to you if you want to continue dating him and see if this gets better or not. It might VERY well show a pattern with him. That he will cancel YOU over his friends. Maybe that is why he is single at 42.
But DO try and NOT compare him or his behavior with that of your ex-husband. They are not one and the same man, right?
I have, to be honest here and say this. I don't like that he dismissed you for saying you didn't feel like a priority to him. Because when looking at the events - Game canceled, so he asks you on a date, then the date is canceled because he HAS to go to the game... It DOEs show that YOU are not the priority here. He is. And everyone around has to sort of fit in with HIS schedule.
So take some time and think about it. Maybe your first impression wasn't all wrong.
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