A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My relationship recently ended with my girlfriend of nearly a year. There was a falling out at my uncle's wedding where my girlfriend was heavily intoxicated and left the dinner table to vent to a bartender about things she did not like about my family. My sister and sister-in law both over heard and voiced their concerns to me. I was very disappointed that my girlfriend chose to confide in a bartender rather than me about her worries. She comes from a broken home, her mother has been through 2 divorces, and her father is gay. I think to a certain extent she was always jealous of the type of close family I had where a strong support system was always intact.The night worsened as my girlfriend and I had to sleep at my parents' following the wedding as we drove to the wedding together. Needless to say, my parents were both disappointed with what transpired at the wedding. My girlfriend, very intoxicated, would not fall asleep and was stumbling out of the bedroom which woke my parents up. Understandably frustrated, my mother asked that my girlfriend get a ride home and my father ended up driving her home. Long story short, my girlfriend played the 'victim' ever since the night occurred saying that my mom verbally attacked her etc... and that my family was judgmental. My girlfriend offered up what I thought was a half hearted apology via text and would not meet with my parents after that night. I generously agreed to meet with her mom and her mom held me accountable saying that I am a 'Man' who is responsible for how my girlfriend behaves. I agree to a certain extent that I could have taken more control of the situation, but am only 23 and have never been put in that type of situation before and am still learning how to handle relationship conflict. Can anyone offer any advice here? My parents heavily disapprove of us continuing a relationship because of her disrespect, and the negative things she says about my family. When my girlfriend and I were together alone, we had a great relationship, and were always kind to each other and had strong feelings, but I cannot ignore my family's opinion.
View related questions:
divorce, jealous, text, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 January 2017):
 Her mother is wrong, she is sticking up for her daughter, but it is no excuse to try and blame you for her daughters behavior. My guess is that your girlfriend is probably very embarrassed by her behavior. I do think it is worth giving her a second chance, but you do need to explain to her that she needs to apologize to your parents for the incident. If she won't then maybe you are better off apart. However you are a grown man and you have control on who you can and cannot date, yes your parents might disapprove but it does not give them the right to control your life. I am sure they are upset at the moment, but OP we do all make mistakes and I do think your girlfriend deserves a second chance.
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (15 January 2017):
 Ignore her mother's comments. Her behaviour is nothing to do with you. I think your gf sees this as the only way out of the situation. He's too scared to apologise so has to act like it's your fault for not looking after her whilst she was drunk.
If she wants the relationship to continue she needs to strap on a pair, accept responsibility for what she's done and apologise. She was the one who decided to get overly drunk, now she's the one that needs to deal with the consequences.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2017): Everybody deserves a second chance in life. She was drunk and not in her right mind and said comments that she was not responsible for in such a state. We all make mistakes and would hope that our boyfriend and families of all people would forgive us. Is she genuinely sorry? Many families have falling out's and many family members fight among each other and do and say stupid things. Happens all the time. But it is all about forgiveness. Maybe she feels she really over stepped and does not know how to come back from that. Maybe she feels everybody is against her and she might as well give up anyway.It is nobody's fault. It happened. No sense in dwelling over the past. It is time to move forward. I think you should have a heart to heart with her and tell her you forgive her. And talk to your parents. Lighten the blow. See if she is willing to apologize in person to them with you present. If you can work through this, you have already both shown how mature you can be and it's a good thing for your relationship. Relationships require compromise, understanding and forgiveness. You will have so many problems in life to deal with. This is a test. Do you bail on someone after they make a mistake? Disown them? Crucify them without a chance for redemption? How much does she mean to you? How much do you mean to her? Enough to work through it? You be the one to take charge now. You are the one who should try to get everyone on the same page. At least try. Never let anything go hastily or without trying. This is when you have regrets and one day, you won't be in a position to change the regrets. You are in a position now not to let it get to that point.Talk to your girlfriend. See if she is truly sorry. See if she is willing to apologize. She may have needed a cooling down period as your family may have too. We are all human. I have made my share of mistakes and I am glad my boyfriend has not disowned me. It was tough at times but he always understood me and forgave me. Because he loves me and knows how to compromise. We do not mean what we do sometimes. We are just taken by the moment and know it was wrong later. Try to have some compassion for her. You hopefully now can be the peace maker and get everyone back together. See how that goes. I hope it works out. Your girlfriend is not a monster. Her actions come from a place of hurt and pain. It is NOT an excuse. It's a reason. I have done things because of depression. And honestly, it was a form of acting out my pain. It was not meant to hurt anyone else. Maybe she was crying out for attention in some way? Maybe she could not express her hurt and acted out? You need to find out what is really going on inside her head. She has an issue or issues that need attention. And maybe she cannot come out and say it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 January 2017):
OP, it's NOT your job to "make" your GF behave or "control" HER actions. So her Mom is utterly wrong, but my guess is she doesn't want to admit that her daughter is lacking in manners and respectful behavior.
I absolutely understand why your parents aren't keen on your dating her after her behavior and after she REFUSED to apologize to your parents.
How do you see a viable future with her? When she "hates" your family and them.... don't like her one bit either. It will put you smack dab in the middle of more drama that you will have NO control over.
Yes, they can't tell you whom to date, but they aren't disappointed in you for dating her without reason or over small stuff. She DISRESPTED your family publicly (at the wedding) and privately (at your parents home). WITHOUT taking responsibility and apologize for her drunken rude crude behavior.
And you trying to "excuse" her behavior by pulling out a gay dad and crappy home life? That she did this because she is jealous? Come on OP! SHE is old enough to get drunk as a skunk, then she is OLD enough to take responsibility for HER actions.
If you were my son, I'd be disappointed in your choice of GF, but I not tell you that you can't date her - I would, however, hope that you would STOP making excuses for her and open your eyes to her behavior. Your parents are telling you this because they ARE (as parents) looking out for YOU.
You two might get on well when it's just the two of you, BUT you are part of a family and SO is she! And while she might not like yours, she doesn't have to act like an asshat at a wedding.
You are still young.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 January 2017):
 Your girlfriend's mother was wrong, a "Man" is not responsible for how another adult behaves ... the person who was responsible for your girlfriend getting drunk and then mouthing off about your family was (TA DARRH) the girl!
Her behaviour after the wedding, at your parents home, lacked respect.
Now maybe you could have attempted to monitor her alcohol intake, but if you have never had to do that before, or had experience with that sort of situation, sometimes its too late to be able to do anything effective ... its something that comes with age.
I don't know what your girlfriend and her mother are expecting you to do ... turn your back on your family for her? Cut yourself off from them?
You are the meat in the sandwich here ...
Would your family be capable of forgiving and giving the girl a second chance? I suppose that depends on just how nasty her comments were about your sister and sister in law, nothing in your submission suggests there would be any forgiveness or willingness to move past this on their part.
I don't see a good future here for either of you if you stick together, your family's disapproval will always be there, as will your girlfriend's resentment ... especially if she is unwilling to accept the part she has played and continues to insist she is the victim.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2017): Although your parents have a right to be offended, and deserve an in-person face-to-face apology; they don't get to decide who you date. You're a grown man, and should make those decisions on your own.
I'm curious as to how you've overlooked all the dysfunction she came from, and her apparent dislike for your family? Isn't it a prerequisite that a potential girlfriend likes your family, and they like her as well? Knowing all that stuff about her in advance, didn't send up some red-flags about how it could have affected her? If you know she doesn't like your family, I'm also curious as to why you'd bring her to a wedding where you know she'd feel totally out of place?
She sent your parents a half-assed insincere texted apology; and she's still your girlfriend? She showed blatant disrespect by getting drunk, speaking ill of her hosts; then caused a scene by stumbling around drunk in your parent's home. I'm sorry, that's just too many violations for her to remain your girlfriend. Obviously this relationship can't progress to a higher-level. She doesn't like your family. Hers is a little messy, not terrible; but you said yourself she is jealous of what you have. So how will she ever fit-in? You're a close-nit family.
I think it took a lot of balls to sit there getting drunk on your uncle's tab, bad-mouthing the very people extending their hospitality and welcome into the family; and then misbehaving in the home of the people she needs to impress most of all. Your parents.
Rethink this relationship and where it's going. You are the "man" responsible for the people you bring into your parents' home, and whom you expose your family to. Not responsible for the behavior of a grown-woman. Her mother couldn't get her marriages right after two attempts; she's the last one to be giving relationship advice.
Insist she properly apologize to your family; and offer her an ultimatum if she doesn't. It's come down to either them, or her. Doesn't sound like much of an even trade-off to me. She has a drinking problem to boot!
I'm not saying this is all unforgivable. I am saying you can't expect much of a future with someone who doesn't like your family; and showed them all her worst behavior and contempt. At a wedding of all places. Even worse, she doesn't feel enough love or respect for your parents to show them she takes full responsibility for her behavior and she's genuinely sorry she hurt or offended the family. That's important. It could redeem her somewhat in their eyes.
By the way, this isn't a relationship conflict. This is a family-affair. Your girl dissed your entire family!
...............................
A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (15 January 2017):
 It's difficult to imagine how difficult addressing conflict can be in relationships until you come across it.. BUT its part of any adult relationship... The answer is simple- HONEST communication- the hard part is taking a gulp and truly trusting someone to open up to them... Facing difficult conversations so that they in turn feel comfortable enough with YOU... That's one way relationships truly mature and blossom.Do you really love her enough to want to make the effort here? I agree that she prob does have deep- seated issues and may needs counselling.. If you care deeply for each other, you can both overcome this if you both have courage to express yourselves. Then you can support her with any therapy she might need and she can support you.As for your family, yes it was pretty poor behaviour- fuelled by pain and drink... Have they/ you not ever done anything or the sort? They have a right to be furious, but give her a chance, explain to them as best you can, and they should eventually accept it. Ultimately if you love and want to be with this woman, (you're very young but both adults remember) give it time and ensure she apologises in person- AFTER you've got to the bottom of it (or thereabouts ha)Good luck
...............................
|
