A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Basically I'm abit confused;It's regarding a LDR (which yes, we live far apart, and yes we have met each other a handful of times - I would happily move down to him or vice versa but finding work is the tricky thing, we both work full time and have cars and bills to pay - I have been looking at jobs near him but it's just finding one that will give me enough!)Anyway, we text, Skype, FaceTime and call each other a lot of the time. When he's in a good mood he is so amazing, and he is funny, he'll joke around with me and really care for me! But recently I've been noticing that it's getting less, he constantly tells me that he loves me, and he always makes sure he does tell me everyday which is so sweet, but I don't know, it's like the other day I was having some family trouble and all he said was 'Awww hope you're okay', but really I needed him. I feel like I'm judging us on what I'm seeing online, that I want him there 24/7, which I know he can't be. His work is stressful so in the day he's quiet, I try and keep him happy texting cute things in the day, saying how much he means to me yet I get nothing backI'm scared, we both love each other but I don't want to lose him. We've known each other for 5 years now, we previously had a LDR but it did sizzle out, we stopped talking for a few years and a close friend of ours got us back together, and I haven't been any happier than I have been. Is it just us having the holiday blues? Is work getting too stressful and I just need to be more considerate and stop pestering him? I know this is a big mish mash, I've just put my mind down on here! Thank you in advance
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2015): Did you consider this fact?
"It's regarding a LDR (which yes, we live far apart, and yes we have met each other a handful of times -"
You've only met "a handful of times?!!!" That's all?
You gave a list of inconveniences that keep you apart. I just can't see what keeps you together; more than your refusal to see the whole situation and the disadvantages it's posing for the both you you.
Your needs aren't being met! His needs aren't being met!
Look at how much of an emotional-toll it's taking on you, as compared to how little it seems to affect him?
You've settled for so little over the course of five years.
Maybe it's enough for you, but not enough for him.
He's losing interest? Well, who's suffering more?
Perhaps he's conducting a real-time/real-life relationship simultaneously.
You both deserve a lot more than you're giving each other.
An LDR (for an unmarried or non-engaged couples) is too strenuous; when it leaves out so many things that human beings need to sustain a relationship. That being: Affection, personal interaction, sex; and having close proximity. You lack normal accessibility to each other; for the sake of spending quality-time together, and the emotional support. He needs a real-life partner, and so do you.
Married and engaged couples have a binding commitment to hold on to. In spite of distance and separation; they know there is the "promise" they will be together someday. That gives them hope. Even for them, hope is strained when too much time passes. The wait becomes too much.
Even if you talk about it until the cows come home; you don't meet his basic human needs. Maybe you're satisfied with what you have, and he's showing signs he isn't.
So it's now time to make a logical decision and do what's best for YOU! He may have already done that, or may have decided to give-up.
For now, the only thing you're getting out of the LDR is the fear he's letting go. I don't see much for him to hold-on to. You two need to make the decision to be together.
I think he's putting the pressure on you to relocate and make the move. If it causes you extreme financial hardship and places you financially-dependent on him; you need a lot more commitment than he's offering. He had better make a marriage proposal and put a ring on it.
If you don't see that happening. Let him come to you, or just end it.
A
female
reader, Pureflame  +, writes (23 January 2015):
What you are feeling is absolutely normal. But you need to give him space. Especially in a LDR, you don't really know what's happened in the day in the other person's life. And no matter how many hours you spend online, that factor does not change. Don't rush too much. Give him time. More importantly give yourself time.
Try focusing on the good. I know it's easier said than done. But you need to take a breath and relax a little.
Trust me, the only person it causes trouble to, is you. And it's never helped anyone to over-think a situation.
Good luck and Take care :)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 January 2015):
 I think you should TRY and express what you NEED from him, but you should also realize, that IF he has a demanding job, HE needs to put that first, over some "cutesy texts to his needy GF" - You CAN go a whole day (while he and you are a work) with out HAVING to text. You just don't want to.
The constant reassurance you WANT from him will eventually PUSH him away. Why do I say that? Because he will start to think that when he says I LOVE YOU, you don't believe him.
Being older then you, having dated before the cellphones and texting were widely available, I am often left BAFFLED at how MUCH young people today rely on texting to carry on a relationship. I was in a LDR with my now husband for almost 18 months (we did visit each other, call, e-mail) but it wasn't a daily thing. It wasn't a CONSTANT NEED to remind each other that "I'm here!! over here!! I love you!!" I LOOKED forward to his phone-calls and he looked forward to mine. To the e-mails and even more so for the visits. Guess what? We made it work without the daily and CONSTANT texting and affirmations and attention, we got married and have been for 17 years.
You two have known each other 5 years, and nothing has really changed. Neither have found a job near the other - now a LDR ONLY works if the END RESULT is for EITHER of you to move and MAKE it work as a "fully functional" relationship. How long have you looked for jobs? How long has HE looked for jobs, are either of you really serious about it? In order for my husband and I to be together, my HUSBAND GAVE up HIS job and rejoined the military in hopes to get stationed in Europe, when that didn't work out (he got stationed stateside instead). I SOLD my house, gave UP my job and moved across the Atlantic. THAT is commitment.
TALK to him. Make a plan of action that you BOTH can agree to and WORK towards THAT goal.
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