A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and half. We are both adults. We both love each other and he has given me a ring. I have not met his parents yet, but I have met two of his siblings and his family is aware of our relationship but they do not know about the ring. He is originally from a different state, and his parents who are elderly still live there. My boyfriend is the youngest and he does everything for his parents. At first he would drive up there for a couple of days a week, but lately his trips there have become longer and longer. I completely understand him going to check on his parents and help them out, but he cannot be there every moment of every day, he does not live there, he lives 3 hours away. The last few months he is telling me of all these projects on his parents house, including kitchen remodeling etc etc, and he has stay there and watch over the contractors. I really don't get it, his parents are almost 80, and he has 5 other siblings, why is he the only involved in this? When I ask him if we are going to live in that house he sometimes says he doesn't know, and sometimes he says no.I barely see him, and I just don't understand why he is investing all his time in this. I am supposed to meet his parents really soon, but I am just really upset with all that has been going on, that I am just not really sure I can be all smiles when I meet them. I miss my boyfriend, and I want to have a real relationship, as it is I cannot make any plans with him, because I never know when he will come back. Am I overreacting? I have tried talking with him, but things are not changing. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, I do need the money. I don't get paid a whole lot. I manage to cover my expenses, but things always come up, car repairs etc. My bf and his family seems to have each others back, and money is not issue. I don't think, he has ever been in my shoes. My family is on the other side of the ocean, so I am basically on my own. His parents are so used to having their sons go to see them, that I don't even think they have seen where my bf lives here. He does call/ text me every day, saying that he misses me, but right now I am just so upset that I don't even want to hear it. I send him a msg, saying that if he still wants the relationship he needs to be back on monday. No answer as of yet.
A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (29 September 2012):
I agree that you are in a terrible position here. I am assuming that you are working so much because you need the money to pay bills and you are basically living paycheck to paycheck is this correct?
Does your boyfriend understand that you need your job to make ends meet and you do not have the luxury of taking time off to visit? Has he ever worked under similar circumstances, or is he accustomed to his brother taking over his work whenever he needs to leave for a few days/weeks? If he has never worked a stressful low-paying job, you may have to explain to him what it is like to struggle to make ends meet while working 6 days a week with no time off.
I was wondering if you had spoken to your boyfriend about possibly driving his parents up to stop in and visit your city for a weekend instead of you going there and visiting for only a day.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHim and one of his brothers are in business together. They work it out, so when my bf is at their parents his brother covers for him. I actually have two jobs, regular Monday thru Friday and I work on Sunday. It would be nice to have the week-end totally off, but I do need the money. I just feel like this is not fair.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (29 September 2012):
Does your boyfriend work, or are you and/or his parents supporting him?
Is there any way you could arrange your schedule or trade shifts so that you have two days off at the end of one work week and the first two days off on the next work week so you can spend more than just a day visiting?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello,
I posted an update from my phone last night.I can't wait to go meet his parents, so that I can get a feel for his family. I have met two of his brothers, and one of them is very 'me me me', he does not have a gf because he is too picky and finds flaws in everyone, and fails to see that he is not perfect either. He seems to be very attached to my bf, because he will call my bf and update him on everything. Good luck to meee...!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2012): His parents actually got married in their 20s. Their oldest child in the upper 50s. It is not like I don't want him to take care of his parents, bring them to doctor's appts, pick up their medications etc, but he has now been gone for 2 entire weeks, and he sends me pics of the new landscapes. I don't think that falls under the category of 'taking care of his parents'. They are well off, and they also have another house in the south where they like to go, and as usual my bf has drive them down there, help them pack and also pick them up. From what he has told me they have been doing this for 20 years, so in other words since they were in their 60s.
I work a lot, and I don't have the weekend off. We have been meaning for me to go up there for some time now, but with all his projects we have kept postponing it. I could not afford to go with him and stay there for more than a day or two, who stays two weeks?
I want to have a family with this man, but now I am really scared when I picture myself alone with a baby and him off to doing everything for his parents. I would not mind if they moved with us when we get married or if we move down there, but as it is we are 3 hours away. I miss and I need my boyfriend too. I don't want to be made the bad person here, because I am not. I work hard and I deserve to be happy. I just want to put these negative feeling aside and go and meet his parents and give them the benefit of the doubt.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (28 September 2012):
If his parents are approaching 80 years old, there is a good possibility that they are 'old fashioned.' They may not believe in living/sleeping together before marriage. They may be concerned that their youngest son and caretaker will abandon them once he gets married. They probably have no intention to leave their house until they die. And, as people approach their 80s, they often begin to have trouble getting around and need renovations to their houses to move around safely and accommodate mobility devices (scooters, walkers, canes.) His keeping an eye on the contractors is a legit concern. His parents could have medication, money, or jewelery stolen or be taken advantage of by an unscrupulous contractor.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2012): Why would he not announce that he gave you a ring to his family? That doesn't seem right. Normally, people want to shout that out on roof tops.It appears his parents had children late in life. Yes, the are elderly and will need much more help at this stage in their lives.When my mother had cancer I drove to the state she lived in every weekend that I could to help her and my dad out by bringing meals and helping with her care. I was in my late 20's and I was very thankful for the time I had to spend with her because she passed away a couple of years later. Once your parents are gone you can't ever get them back. So spending time "now" with them is important as your boyfriend is trying to do.Offer to go along with him and help out as well. That way you get to spend time with him, meet his family and have quality time together.Life is full of bumps along the way. You never know what life will throw at you. There are times you have to go with the flow and helping family is one of them.
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A
female
reader, Read-the-signs  +, writes (28 September 2012):
I think that you have been together long enough for you to have gone with him on one of his many trips. I'm wondering why that hasn't occured. If he has given you a ring to symbolise a long relationship with you, he would naturally be proud to introduce you to his parents.
I think he needs to start putting your needs higher on his list of priorities and that if he does not, you might need to re-assess whether he is actually that committed to the relationship.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 September 2012):
 I hope that, when I get to be an even-older codger, I have a son like him and not a daughter like you.....
It's not at all surprising that - with 5 siblings in the mix - one of them becomes the "doer" in tending to the parents.... AND, it's not all that outlandish. After all, why should all 5 have to compromise their ongoing lives, some, instead of just one of them making significant compromises.... As one of them... I can vouch that it's often the youngest who gets this chore....
Anyhow... you can best handle this matter by being patient, staying close to your B/F (IF you wish to do so), and seeing where things go.....
IF you find that the time/attention he provides to his parents is more than you want to endure, then you can readily stop the relationship and go on with your life...
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, nat1972  +, writes (28 September 2012):
 Hi,
I don't think you are over reacting. Although house renovations do take over your life a little bit. Since he is the youngest of the siblings it probably is up to him to look after them. As the ties are hard to let go etc. And his parents are elderly.
Just a suggestion why is it taking so long for you to meet his parents, is he waiting till the kitchen is finished to show you the house. Maybe as a surprise, oh the suggestion was why don't you go with him one weekend and that way you will meet the parents.
Perhaps ask him to stay in town for the weekend and plan something really nice for the 2 of you. Ask him to have a weekend off.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2012): The sooner you meet his parents the better. I had 7 other siblings and I was the youngest. I visited daily my sibling once a week and some whenever. I used to tell people my baby cord wasn't cut it just stretched. Haha
My parents were never a burden, as I'm sure your bf aren't they are just apart of his life. He loves them very much.
Get to meet them, then go with him to help out. Many hands do make light work.
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