A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I want to try to make this as unbiased as possible, sorry it's so long.My boyfriend and I are searching for an apartment in an expensive city. We are currently long distance, but have not always been. We agreed on a reasonable budget. We are both very picky about our neighborhood and were having trouble finding something. My mom offered a gift to help us with rent if I needed it. We were going to try to not need it, but I was looking at some in that upper price range.Boyfriend and I had a fight about what makes a good neighborhood. He called his mom to vent about the fight and told her I was demanding he give up half his salary to pay for rent to get someplace extremely luxurious.I did not ever expect him to pay a penny over the budget we'd laid out and had stated this clearly throughout the search. I asked him to fix it, but to not say that my mom had offered to help. I asked him to repeat to me that he would not say my mom had offered to help and he did. I spelled this out 3-4 times before hanging up.He contacted me later to tell me he'd fixed the problem by telling his mom that my mom would be substantially contributing to my share (which also isn't true). I got much angrier and asked him to contact her again because it makes me sound really bad.He told me to relax and that I was overreacting and it wasn't a big deal. this continued where he dismissed my feelings and continued to not care. I completely lost it and started shrieking at him. He responded by laughing at me, and when that didn't solve anything, he hung up on me mid-sentence. He told me over text that he was certain his mom had forgotten their conversation and that it wasn't a big deal.I called him back and we continued fighting, he continued laughing. I was threatening to break up with him out of desperation to illicit some kind of sad or upset response. He wanted to hang up and was talking about needing to get "sexy" for a concert. I asked if he was planning to pick up girls and he said, "that depends if we're broken up now." I asked if he was serious and he said he was completely serious that he would go pick up a girl and have sex with her, tonight, if we broke up.I got extremely upset again and he asked what the big deal was since he had said he wouldn't do it if we were together. I asked if our 3.5 year relationship had meant nothing to him and he said that wasn't it, he just didn't want to waste time being sad, then promised if we weren't broken up he wouldn't do it and hung up on me for the third or fourth time.I was still EXTREMELY upset and would up just sobbing on my floor for awhile. He called me back to tell me I was "just doing this to myself" and that it's "Not a big deal. I don't know why you're making such a huge deal out of this." And other variations of, you're overreacting, you're crazy, and that this was somehow my fault.Am I overreacting or is he being heartless?
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female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (24 July 2012):
 Why do you need him to 'react' perhaps he doesn't do drama,perhaps he just wants to find somewhere to live without all this stress. Men are simple folk they just want someplace to keep their things, a bed and a bathroom.
You two are not compatable and if you cannot cope with his lack of emotion or the way he teats you then why in heavens name do you want to LIVE with him.He does not sound like a man in love,hes too immature plus he knows how to wynd you up so YOU go off on one like a teenager.
You will not listen to anyone though you will go ahead.You cannot change people to suit you,they are what they are.
A
female
reader, LaceratedReality  +, writes (24 July 2012):
I am not sure what you want to hear really. You come here asking for opinions and you argue with every single person who answers you. This relationship sounds toxic, you sound immature and the whole situation is quite unclear. Aspergers or not, he should not be so uncaring to you but it is also not an excuse for you to have the unreasonable tantrum that you had. Good luck with whatever you decide.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (24 July 2012):
 I think I cannot add much to the thread, except for the fact that the man is first deemed to be good, then bad, then good.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe had a talk this morning and I asked him to work on this and if when he gets angry/agitated he would behave more emotionally. I know that sounds odd, but I would not be going completely nuts trying to get him to react if he was also reacting. I would vastly prefer yelling to silence, though no yelling from anyone is best.
I didn't always act over the top, it gets worse every time we fight and he acts cold. Like in the beginning I could remain relatively calm, go take a walk, etc... It's just sort of been building over the years I guess?
We don't fight very often and when we're not fighting, he's an amazing partner: supportive, trustworthy, trusting, easy-going, interesting, smart, and I feel like I'm a better person with him. We teach other a lot and he's made me interested in things I've never been interested in before. Things are amazing most of the time, but when we fight things get totally out of control and we both say horrible things. If we could just figure out how to cope with fighting better I think we could fix it.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (23 July 2012):
 I can totally understand why you were angry and the frustration of dealing with someone who doesn't seem to care when you're in some kind of distress. Your reaction was over the top, but I do understand.
Aspergers or no, he has given you a glimpse of how things will be in the future. There may be few conflicts, but you'll have them, some bigger than others. His behaviour would be a deal breaker for me. Someone who would laugh at me and threaten to have sex with another woman is not the person for me. Something else to consider is his family, especially his mum. If he's been diagnosed with a medical condition she may be even more protective of him which can be an even bigger headache for you.
This is not what you want to hear, but I really don't think this guy is ideal mate material. And I'm very skeptical of any illness or condition that causes the 'sufferer' to expect to get their way all the time and treat others badly when they don't. At the end of the day we all have free will.
At the very foundation of a healthy relationship are trust and empathy and without either you have nothing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't mean to get "snippy" but I'm not sure how I can say this more clearly, we have not looked at a single apartment out of our price range, I have never asked him to, and every apartment we look at is in our price range. I have stated twice now that I am not planning on accepting the money from my mom, the reason I mentioned it was because he had said it to his mother despite my asking him not to. She offered us money and we have not accepted it. That's all there is to it. It's not really an issue of independence or not for him, if it was he would be a pretty big hypocrite. His parents give him enormous financial gifts to help him with his future. He hasn't touched what they've given him, but he did accept it.
The half his salary thing came from him taking the rent of an apartment we could afford with my mom's help and dividing it in half, despite the fact that we never looked at this theoretical apartment and I never asked him to contribute that amount of money even if we were to look at it. He has a money-spending phobia, he will literally break out in hives at the thought of getting a tank of gas and have anxiety attacks (even though he has enough money). My guess is that when he said to his parents that I was asking him to stick to the budget and not go significantly lower than the bottom end of the budget his parents weren't being sympathetic so he had to make it seem more extreme.
He has aspergers and behaves like a sociopathic robot when he deals with conflict, blankly telling me he doesn't care and behaving like if our relationship were to end he would be 100% unaffected by it. Dealing with someone like that is impossible (he only does this if there's conflict, which isn't all the often). He knows that he does this, he says it's a coping mechanism, but he doesn't know what else to do. The next day he always feels bad because he recognizes he was behaving kind of like a sociopath. I know I behave in an extreme way, but dealing with this mental condition is literally the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It's not exactly "getting a rise" out of him, it's a desperate attempt to get even the smallest hint that he is actually a human being rather than a robot or inanimate object and that he just has feelings of some kind in any form. Basically with this condition he is incapable of putting himself in another person's shoes, meaning incapable of empathy. Have you ever known someone with autism or aspergers? It's very hard to deal with that kind of coldness when you love someone.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (23 July 2012):
Hi
From what I am reading you should think long and hard about moving in with him. If you argue about money or whatever when living together he will have be the same and you will cry,get very upset.You won't be on the end of a phone,you will be in front of him, in your shared home.
Hardly a recipe for happiness is it?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2012): with all due respect, in my opinion, you shouldn't rely on your mother to pay the rent. rather, you two should find a decent apartment that is within your price range without your mothers help. and i think this is what your boyfriend is trying to say, but much less tactfully.when he says he's having to pay half his salary for rent, he's trying to insinuate he doesn't want your mothers help. he's wanting to be independent. and if you two moved into that expensive place, he'd feel obligated to take care of it financially. i would feel the same way. if my girlfriend wanted to move into a really pricy apartment that we couldn't afford, and her mother offered to pay the leftover amount, i would insist no. and i would do everything in my power to pay for it on my own. it's about being an adult and having pride. i think you're being impractical. and he's frustrated. honestly, i don't blame him.he IS being slightly insensitive by hanging up, but you shouldn't threaten to break up with him just to get a rise out of him. you're both in the wrong there. i think he is aware you're just looking to get a rise out of him, so he's not only not taking you seriously, but he's also going to do the opposite intentionally, and act like he doesn't care because he knows that will upset you. he doesn't like the game playing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis isn't about money at all, we both have plenty of money and we've stayed well within our budget for this search. I have a good job and have been supporting myself for years. I didn't ask for her handouts, she offered because she wanted us to have a nice location. I haven't sent him to look at any of the apartments my mom would have helped with or contacted anyone, I just mentioned it as a possibility. I already stated I'm not comfortable taking the money either and we're almost definitely not going to. We were just seeing what it would get us. I have never asked him to pay a penny more than the budget we've laid out. We're both well-off and have plenty of money in savings. To respond to the below, he comes from an extremely wealthy family. Sorry if I didn't make that clearer. We have not accepted any handouts and don't plan to, it was simply something that was on the table. The only reason I mentioned it was because he threw it in when he was lying to his mom.I said the half salary thing because that's what he told his mom, not because I was asking for it. That's totally insane. It's really offensive he could even think I would ask him to go over his budget, because I never even thought it.I should probably have mentioned he has aspergers. So talking with him when fighting is literally the most maddening experience I've ever had. He becomes completely uncaring and emotionless, it's like talking to a wall. That's where the "desperate to illicit a response comes from." He called me after the concert and was being awful again and when I got upset he told me over and over that he doesn't care because I'm bothering him and he wants to sleep, and then when I cried he told me that only babies cry and he felt no pity for me whatsoever. Have any of you ever been in a fight with someone with aspergers? It's unbelievable how painful it is, where he can cause me pain and instead of wanting to help, he will coldly and blankly respond that I'm somehow bothering him by being upset. I don't understand how someone can supposedly love someone and then watch them suffer before blankly stating they don't care. It would be much easier if he'd yell back or be upset or do anything to show that he has feelings of some kind, but he seems incapable. That's why the extreme response, because he is cold and emotionless when we fight even though when we don't, he's warm and affectionate. It's like arguing with a robot, except the robot had told you it loved you.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (23 July 2012):
 You are aged between 26 and 29 and your mother is going to support you? Why? Why are you not supporting yourself?
And not only are you quite comfortable being supported by your parents at your age you also expect your boyfriend to accept their handouts and be supported by them as well?
Shrieking and sobbing on the floor is something two year olds do, that's why its called the "terrible twos" or a "toddler tantrum".
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (23 July 2012):
I'm with your boyfriend on this one.
I understand you're worried that he made you look bad to his mother, but his assessment of the situation was accurate. YOU are the intended recipient of any help your mother offers. It may benefit your boyfriend, but it is FOR YOU, for one thing.
For another he wants his independence and relying on parents to support him is not being independent. He would be forever indebted to your mother. And you'd be indebted to the both of them. That's no way for either of you to live.
Your reaction was way over the top and the behaviour you describe (demanding instant results and sobbing on the floor when you don't get it) is something a 3 year old would do. Not a grown woman.
If you need help to pay your rent then you're living beyond your means. The whole point of moving out of your parents house is to be independent. Not so they can support you from a distance.
I suggest you abeyance this whole moving in thing. Save up some money, learn more mature and effective ways of communicating and problem solving.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (23 July 2012):
I think this quarrel is about money.
You two agreed on a budget for the apartment, but I can see you (poster) were somehow trying to go beyond that budget. Otherwise, I cannot understand why you, poster, were looking for something that you two (poster and boyfriend) could not afford.
I suppose he resented your mother's offer. Maybe not every male would resent it, but many would not like it, as it gives your mother some power that she should never have (as in "You live where you live because I help you pay the rent"). The best idea was to stick to what you two could pay.
I don't understand why he vented with his mother. Probably his own mother is intrusive as well and he needs to save face with her. Very likely the mother is complaining that you guys are going to live above your means and that he needs to pay an unfair share for that. My hunch is that he makes less money than you, or that he comes from a family that is somehow poorer than yours.
I think people should never give people ultimata unless they really mean to do what they threaten to do. Your saying that you were broken up is the kind of ultimata that not many people would take, because they can't. It is not nice to hear your girl say that you have to do this or else. He reacted like many men would. In strategy and game theory, that would be called "tit for tat"; he replied in kind.
I don't think he's heartless.
I also believe that money is indeed a problem for you two, one you haven't discussed enough. And I would recommend that you never ever try to get anybody else involved in money matters again. Or, if they offer, refuse.
I don't understand whether you're really broken up or not. I do know that many men would take you at your word and would feel free by now. That kind of a threat is not acceptable.
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A
female
reader, cmarieky +, writes (23 July 2012):
In a relationship there always have to be compromise and understanding. If one or the other just don't understand then there can be no compromise. This will be a testament of ur relationship if the two of u can surpass this test. Right now though it looks like you two are incompatible and inreconciliable. He is not being heartless. He wants independence and safety. He wants to be in a nice, safe area and spend modestly. He wants to live within his means. If he can't afford on his and yours salary then he doesn't want it. He also don't think its a good idea to get money from parents bc that shows you two are not living within your means and being responsible with money. He doesn't want to spend half His salary on living expensive. I think you're being irresponsible. If you can't afford it then don't get it. Just bc ur approved for a 400,000 home loan doesn't mean you should take it. Perhaps you both should live in separate living quarters in the neighborhood you both like that will be not too far from the other. That way you each have what you want. Then, no more fights or hangups.
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